The band that’s famous for playing balls to the wall noisey rockin 2 or 3 song fifteen minute sets now plans to break with tradition and play unbearably long rock operas with no improv or noise rock whatsoever.

“We got tired of all that progressive artsy post-punk stuff.” claims singer/guitarist E.S. Cormac. “I mean, the other bands and cool kids in the music scene really appreciated us, and it was artistically gratifying, but what we really want is to dress up and make some money.”

Hill Haints plan to fill their future shows with multiple costume changes, set designs, beautiful soaring harmonies and mutliple melodic guitar solos in the vein of art-rockers like Styx and Damn Yankees (member Damn Yankees?).

Albany, that drinking town with a government day-job problem, missed another great show last night. The Hill Haints kicked out the jams (as always) and intriguingly eclectic Buffalo band Facility Men brought down the house. An ear blastingly rock time was had by all who attended.

Albany, as usual, got too drunk and didn’t make it.

“I’s lookins sthrough my facebook and just got so sad about the Indians (hiccup). I mean, America’s sthreatening to do to them what they’ve done to every other poor place in the country… (hiccup)… and sen everybody keeps going there on the facebook (hiccup) to upport sem against the facebook sheriff or whasever …(hiccup) and then they still lose the baseball!”

At this point Albany pauses and sobs a little, then closes its eyes for about five minutes while standing up.

“Scusem me, I gotta go file these folders about tosic waste in sa wrong drawer.”

Fear not Albany, luckily you can go on the facebook and see a couple songs from the show, faithfully recorded (as usual) by and on the page of our fearless promoter par excellence Jason Krak. And this after he just put on a huge kickass festival last weekend with bands and costumes and burlesque dancers and wings. Mad props to the MC in the Bad Brains T!

“So there I am enjoying another Naragansett on like a Tuesday night at the Low Beat, and all the cool kids show up to ruin it.” claims old coot DJ Think Noise. “And I mean all the cool kids. There was at least one member of every hipster indie band I hate there; the Che Guevara T-Shirts, the Black Ships, the Hill Haints, the Bare Mattresses, even the old Complicated Shirts! And I think to myself, what the fuck? Is some dude from Pearl Jam playin or some shit?”

DJ Think Noise’s ignorance of indie rock is no excuse for us to fail to report objectively as we always do. A dude from Pearl Jam it was not. It was Neil Haggerty’s new band, who every media outlet that announced the show was obliged mention  (for those of you that weren’t cool enough to already know) was formerly in seminal bands Pussy Galore and Royal Trux. Have you ever heard of them? Neither had we. I guess we’re not as cool as all the bands we make fun of.

“So this dude from Nirvana starts playin this song and I’m like, ah hell this ain’t so bad. Then he starts soloing and he just don’t stop. And the other guy in the band just starts soloing too. And if that ain’t bad enough, I look over and realize he’s whipped it out! His hands are on his guitar and his free willy, and no one seems to care! Then this asshole keeps it up, just noodlin and jerkin and staring dead-eyed ahead and sayin ‘we da howlin hex!’. What a bunch of bullshit. Meantime all the cool kids are eatin it up cause he used to be in Third Eye Blind or whatever. Fuckin circle jerk tone deaf old hipster assholes.”

The ‘BungaWIZ festival’ this weekend has already been blaring contradictions and propagating confusion, with plenty more slated to come. The festival, which began last night in Laurens, New York (to baffle people who know where stuff is) and will continue through the weekend, has already changed its name and promoters several times.

The confusion will continue tonight, when a time slot has ‘Steve Perry; A loving tribute to Journey’ on the main stage facing off against the actual band Journey playing the side stage. Also scheduled for today is a bikini-kill tribute band on one stage contiguously with a bikini contest on an alternate stage. Rumor has it a neo-nazis for Hilary rally will break out, followed by a drum circle for understanding Trump. A number of tents and pamphleteers are holding pro-marijuana legalization seminars and rallies, each of which will be haunted by their own individual ghost of Nancy Reagan chanting ‘Jussssttt saayyyyy noooooo!!!! Jusstttt saaaayyyy noooo!’.

At least 3 Capital District bands are heading out to the festival, to be themselves confronted with alter egos and confusion. Progressive dance group the Krambis will be playing opposite Santa Claus, a group of homeless old bluegrass bikers that advertise free meth for all the naughty lipstick lesbians. The Krambis’ multi- instrumentalist Gene Wild assured Times Boredom: “We will be kicking those meth Santas asses both during and after our set. Peace and love muthafuckas!”

Unreasonably talented band The Further Unsound are set to play a balls out rock set on one stage while on the opposite a recital for 3rd grade violinists full of overbearing overprotective parents in knitted sweaters will take place. Bass player Cole Riddering asserted: “First we’re gonna kick their asses sonically, then we’re gonna beat them all physically. Especially the parents. Gonna be good fun.”

Marxist doom guerillas Che Guevara T-Shirt will face off against Mickey Mouse Baseball Cap, a corporate rock cover band that plays Foreigner, Fleetwood Mac, and Eagles tunes. “How many fuckin times do I have to say I hate the fuckin Eagles?!” whines CGT guitarist k. Sonin. “Hasta la vittoria siempre over crappy classic rock cover bands!  …I, um, don’t really speak Spanish.”

In any case you can expect a clash of ideologies, a wild mix of rock, jam, and electronic dance music, and a whole lot of forbidden love between ravers, punks, and hippies. Bring an open mind and a closed six pack.

We here at Times Boredom have it on good authority that a big secret will be revealed at the Putnam Den Saturday, August 13th, by grungy punk rock band Candy Ambulance. Therefore, we sent our entire team on crack to drum up the rumor mill in advance.

DJ Think Noise thinks he has the scoop. “Those Satan worshippin pagans are finally gonna reveal what I’ve always known; all their songs are ripoffs of an early 2000s Albany band called Grain and the Gestalt. That free jazz hootenany of a band put out over 20 albums in 2 years, and Candy Ambulance simply ripped off the good ones and formed a band! I’ve been telling you all along!”

Jorge Ninos’ research revealed a rumor of the more salacious variety; “Yeah, me and (drummer) Jon Cantiello are sort of an item. Though he won’t confirm it.”

TB:”What about the rumors that you’re carrying a love child?”

Ninos: “Those rumors will not be confirmed! Especially not when Jon won’t even change his relationship status on facebook!”

Hardcore/punk correspondent xxSteve had a predictable response, after doing no actual research whatever: “Yeah, those assholes are going to admit that they’re fuckin poseurs! They don’t wear leather jackets with patches and think they’re better than everyone, so they’re not punk. They don’t dress blue collar, collectively weigh more than an elephant, and think they’re better than everyone so they’re not hardcore. Also anyone in the Capital District that isn’t friends with xxSteve or xxJoe, and doesn’t play xxJohn shows is a fuckin sell-out poseur. Though I really dig that chick that’s the lead singer. I’m a feminist and stuff; I really like Bikini Kill and Tori Amos…”

TB:”Ugh. Someone’s trying to act like a tough asshole but still get laid…”

xxSteve:”Shutup you fuckin poseur! If I see you at that show you’re fuckin dead!”

Jammin Jerry has an alternate wacked out theory. “At the show each of the members of Candy Ambulance will reveal their true forms. (Singer/guitar player) Caitlin will reveal that she is a wood nymph. (Bass player) Jesse Bolduc is actually a Satyr, and Jon is a beautiful long mained unicorn…”

xxSteve: “Are you talking to my nutjob younger brother? That jam band fucker has no right to make comments! He hasn’t been right since he, you know, smoked all that pot… and I’ll kick your ass twice for talking to him!”

Local pervert Scott Koenig is more excited about the ‘secret’ to be revealed.

“Dude, I’ve known it for sometime. They’re finally going to admit they’re all nudists, and Candy Ambulance is going to play their entire set in the nude! Gonna be totally sweet!”

Guess you’ll just have to go to the show August 13th at the Putnam Den (again, our favorite local venue and proud sponsor! ok that last part was made up but we want to get in free!) to find out. And if you’re uninterested in awesome secrets or for some reason inimical to harmless inane satire, Bella’s Bartok and the Lucky Jukebox Brigade are also playing! Bring your cameras!

North Country punk/alternative band Bren will be greeted at their July 8th show at Paulys Hotel with a formal offer of adoption. In addition, fellow north country/Lyon Mountain punk/noise band Comrade Nixon will be met with the same offer.

“We have a shit ton of terrible tough guy bands, terrible dad-rock bands, and worst of all terrible cover bands here in Albany.” said Capital District Commissioner of Partying Andrew Wyacheslev Katz. “What we lack is a reasonable amount of really good punk rock bands to actually have a decent party with.

“I personally have been sent to scope out good punk rock bands that frequently play the Capital District. Over and over I have seen both Comrade Nixon and Bren tearing it up like the apocalypse is upon us and the cool kids have already been left behind. However, everytime I ask where they live they insist they’re ‘not from here’. Well, no longer. With this formal offer of adoption, they’ll all be native Capital District sons, just like the rest of us that aren’t from here but somehow ended up taking permanent residence in this shithole because we’re always too drunk or too poor to get on the bus to somewhere else.”

“It’s a nice offer, but as I keep telling Andrew, we don’t live in nor are we planning to move to Albany.” states Bren lead singer and Comrade Nixon drummer Matt Hall. “I love playing the Capital District, but there are too many assholes that are always at my shows trying to suck up to me; Scott Koenig, DJ Think Noise, xxSteve, Jose Ninos, etc. I certainly wouldn’t want to live near them.”

Nevertheless, the offer will be made. Commissioner W.K. is also considering other cool bands that constantly play the area but aren’t officially from here like Hill Haints and Dinosaur Jr.

Sean Cranston, drummer for local band The Further Unsound, recently tweeted his outrage and disdain over current music industry business practices:

“”You gotta pay to play” – every music venue and promoter ever
YOU PAY ME mother fuckers”

Reaction from the industry was decidedly mixed.

“Dat boi dont know shit from shit” said local old coot DJ Think Noise. “Back when I was in the game, we’d play two sets of shit we hated for five hours at a time, literally for the peanuts that fell on the floor. We’d play Carl Perkins, Bill Haley, hell any old shit that you kids love nowadays. I myself dressed and sang as Billie Holiday on several different occasions.”

TB: “Wouldn’t that make you, like, over a hundred years old?”

“Old enough to have porked yer great grandma you damned mod rocker! Now this was durin the first world war mind ya, so we did it for scrap iron…”

“DJ Think Noise is a fucking sell out” claims local hardcore legend xxSteve. “We didn’t ever even get a nickel. We got in the van, played every VFW from here to Cranston, and got our asses beat a hundred times by bouncers and promoters non-stop for our troubles. That was fuckin hardcore, before all these sissy bands with their ‘we want half the door money’ and ‘at least give us a free beer!’ came along. We did it all for the beatings.”

“Yeah, xxSteve is fuckin nuts. But don’t print that cause he’ll probably kick my ass for saying it.” claims latino (that’s right, we’ve got a minority panelist now!) 90s indie rocker Jose Ninos. “There actually was a golden age, though I’m afraid it’s probably not what Sean envisions. We got some of the door money, and we’d get free pbr or rolling rock all night. Man, the late 90s were high times for indie rock. But that’s just not the way it is today.”

Local blogger Scott Koenig agrees with the latter statement; “Yeah man, you so gotta pay to play these days. It’s like being an intern without even having the prospect of getting a job in a few years since you’ll be so fuckin burned out. Take me, I run a useless local blog. And yet, I get paid in some form by every band I blog about!”

TB: “Would you care to expand on that”

SK: “Um, I reserve my second amendment rights…”

TB: “Mr. Koenig, there’s irrefutable evidence that the nature of this ‘pay’ you speak of has in the past come in the form of sexual favors.”

SK (turns to lawyer Saul Steinowitzenbergin): “Um, I again plead the, uh, sixth comandment?”

TB: “Mr. Koenig, there are witnesses and damning testimony! Did Mr. Cranston provide any quid pro quo for you to write this article!”

SK: “I did not have sexual relations with Mr. Cranston”

TB: “How about oral? Was oral sex involved?”

SK (turns to Steinowitzenbergin esq., who nods him on): “No gloryholes whatsoever were involved.”

TB: “Who said anything about gloryholes?”

SK: “This interview of myself is over!”