Candy Ambulance to reveal death-defying secret at show next Saturday

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We here at Times Boredom have it on good authority that a big secret will be revealed at the Putnam Den Saturday, August 13th, by grungy punk rock band Candy Ambulance. Therefore, we sent our entire team on crack to drum up the rumor mill in advance.

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DJ Think Noise thinks he has the scoop. “Those Satan worshippin pagans are finally gonna reveal what I’ve always known; all their songs are ripoffs of an early 2000s Albany band called Grain and the Gestalt. That free jazz hootenany of a band put out over 20 albums in 2 years, and Candy Ambulance simply ripped off the good ones and formed a band! I’ve been telling you all along!”

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Jorge Ninos’ research revealed a rumor of the more salacious variety; “Yeah, me and (drummer) Jon Cantiello are sort of an item. Though he won’t confirm it.”

TB:”What about the rumors that you’re carrying a love child?”

Ninos: “Those rumors will not be confirmed! Especially not when Jon won’t even change his relationship status on facebook!”

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Hardcore/punk correspondent xxSteve had a predictable response, after doing no actual research whatever: “Yeah, those assholes are going to admit that they’re fuckin poseurs! They don’t wear leather jackets with patches and think they’re better than everyone, so they’re not punk. They don’t dress blue collar, collectively weigh more than an elephant, and think they’re better than everyone so they’re not hardcore. Also anyone in the Capital District that isn’t friends with xxSteve or xxJoe, and doesn’t play xxJohn shows is a fuckin sell-out poseur. Though I really dig that chick that’s the lead singer. I’m a feminist and stuff; I really like Bikini Kill and Tori Amos…”

TB:”Ugh. Someone’s trying to act like a tough asshole but still get laid…”

xxSteve:”Shutup you fuckin poseur! If I see you at that show you’re fuckin dead!”

Jammin Jerry has an alternate wacked out theory. “At the show each of the members of Candy Ambulance will reveal their true forms. (Singer/guitar player) Caitlin will reveal that she is a wood nymph. (Bass player) Jesse Bolduc is actually a Satyr, and Jon is a beautiful long mained unicorn…”

xxSteve: “Are you talking to my nutjob younger brother? That jam band fucker has no right to make comments! He hasn’t been right since he, you know, smoked all that pot… and I’ll kick your ass twice for talking to him!”

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Local pervert Scott Koenig is more excited about the ‘secret’ to be revealed.

“Dude, I’ve known it for sometime. They’re finally going to admit they’re all nudists, and Candy Ambulance is going to play their entire set in the nude! Gonna be totally sweet!”

Guess you’ll just have to go to the show August 13th at the Putnam Den (again, our favorite local venue and proud sponsor! ok that last part was made up but we want to get in free!) to find out. And if you’re uninterested in awesome secrets or for some reason inimical to harmless inane satire, Bella’s Bartok and the Lucky Jukebox Brigade are also playing! Bring your cameras!

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