10 Worst Local Bands of 2019!

Despite our negativity and cynicism, we must admit that 2019 was a banner year for original innovative music in the Capital District! So many great groups came to our attention, so many collaborations, so many disparate organizations (record labels, promoters, venues) working tirelessly to bring us all the good stuff we’ve come to find out about over the past couple of years as more and more original groups come to the forefront and receive the attention they deserve! So it’s no surprise then that our survey this year was extremely diverse; out of nearly 300 votes, over 120 groups were voted for! Which means only those that received the most votes from the most people got in. So if your band isn’t included, rest assured it’s likely that you were either mentioned or nearly made it. An insane list of everyone voted for is mentioned at the bottom for exploitative purposes. However, only a few lucky groups can be the best of the worst, so if you’re mentioned below, lots of people have seen and enjoyed your performances and/or records in 2019!

All links are to bandcamp sites because bandcamp is FUCKING AWESOME as far as we know; the Spotify of independent music with no ads ever. If you haven’t been there, visit every single one of these bands’ (and any other local band you like’s probably there) pages today! Oh how I wish we could be sponsored by Bandcamp.com

10. The Abyssmals

abyMaking their first appearance here on Times Boredom, we’ve long been fans of this campy 60s era sounding hip retro-rock and roll quintet from Schenectady. I mean, they’ve been making music and performing only since the 2010’s (far as we know), but if you heard them without knowing anything about them you’d be certain they were a hip underground L.A. garage band or British Invasion rockers from the 1960s. And given their traditional rock and roll vibes, surf guitar, and highly stylized vocals covered in reverb and delay, it’s obvious that’s the sound they’re going for. Husband and wife team Jarpon and Muffy Reyes makeup the most visible and essential part of this band, with all band members other than Muffy decked out in black leather and sunglasses. Muffy is a master of costumes and performance flair, almost in stark contrast to the cooler than cool stances of the rest of this rockin band.

9. Sky Furrows

sfThey’ve done it again. An incredibly innovative group that sounds pretty much like no other and has yet to play much outside of Saratoga Springs has made the top ten list of original local bands. This old school indie rock (think Pell Mell meets Minutemen… if you know who either of them are or SHIT ABOUT SHIT!) band is fronted by the Capital Region’s very own punk rock poetess Karen Schoemer. No melodies interfere with this frontwoman’s evocative sing-speak style that reminds one of Patti Smith and Kim Gordon, but whose poetry is far better and more interesting than either one (in our humble opinion). Off the cuff tales of all male bands debating the first woman to “force her way into SST records” are mixed into a stream of consciousness of magical descriptions of everyday mundane appearances with what appear to perhaps be the inner intruding thoughts of Schoemer. Unfortunately, there’s nothing funny about this band, hence we haven’t written an article yet despite our admiration. They’re just overwhelmingly impressive and original, increasingly making their mark in Saratoga Springs and hopefully soon venturing much further beyond…

8. Eternal Crimes

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Eternal Crimes has been a non-stop post-punk machine in Troy and around the Capital District for nearly a decade. In addition to most importantly reinventing themselves by changing their microgenre nomenclature, EC (as those in the know don’t ever call them) has been spreading their dark, bloody wings across the northeast and beyond over the past year to promote their new album Cryptically Acclaimed. And for those of you that have seen them live but never heard them on record, you must hear this album! Whereas live only some of their influences come through (because they’re always so fucking LOUD which to us = awesome but not everyone), this excellent new recording by bass player John Gill clarifies their sound and you can hear their genuine post-punk influences such as Suicide, Joy Division, the Misfits, Wire… just about any group that fits said overlooked, cryptically acclaimed genre. Eternal Crimes gets better every year they’re together, and there’s reason to believe 2019 is just the beginning!

7. William Hale

facebook_1580413410895So the name ‘William Hale’ is one of those confusing indie-rock type names that can refer to several things. For the most part, William Hale hails from Glens Falls (an increasingly important town in the Capital District scene giving us the Mess, No More Death Stars, Pencildive, etc), and is the nom de guerre of Lucas William Hale VanScoy (of the ‘Ravacon collective’) and his backing band. Many members of his band are regular fixtures in not only his but other popular Glens Falls groups (just like all the other groups we mentioned that keep trading players and driving us nuts keeping track!). Specifically notable players are upright bass player Jade Macduff and the omnipresent scenester Alicia Macier, who plays the unusual instruments of rock violin and sometimes even the accordion all over the Glens Falls scene. William and his crew of misfits have also done several shows as ‘William Hate’, a dark and violent character that syncs up well with his more recent, grittier look. He and his crew have also gone under other names, like the Ravacon collective and, um… to be honest we can’t quite sort it out — Lucas, if someone’s told you about this article and you’re not busy, send us an e-mail and we’ll do an interview to sort all this out. Our readers desperately want to understand what all these names and collectives represent!

6. Haley Moley

facebook_1580414769880Once again Ballston Spa’s Haley Moley have blanketed the Capital district in many performances and new songs that we’re told will soon be released as a new album. Their members have also been involved in several other projects, including Sinkcharmer, Che Guevara T-Shirt (huh?), and Architrave. And of course, that’s what earns you points when it comes to this survey. You gotta make yourself known, see? Get yourself out there. Join a hundred bands! Make friends with cool people! Play synthesizers and indie rock and dance and disco and darkwave and never play the same place twice! That’s how Haley Moley keeps doing it, and that’s how you can too! That and they’re incredibly talented, write really cool unique songs, and are constantly active artistically (yeah, sorry, the whole ‘learn 3 chords and go out and rock’ does not incredible bands often make). Must never be a dull moment when you’re in this band.  And as soon as there is, chances are a new song that features diverse genres and the defining in-depth, soft and dark alto vocals of lead singer Jennifer Coleman as well as often 2 or 3 other members of the band will soon emerge to challenge and bemuse you!

5. Thinner Friends

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This trio of super hip scenesters Madeline Darby, Gary Ziroli, and Shane Sanchez just recently came upon the scene. But apparently they’ve been blowing everyone away with the eclectic combination of their diverse styles brought seamlessly together. Like I said, scene points, amirite? Actually, I’m not. Truth is that the individual idiosyncratic musical appetites this trio brings together with deference not only to the Gestalt but to each other’s style and the intricate yet fluid sharing of the spotlight makes for a semblance of signal to noise ratios that given the electronic flow charts in seemingly new forms of measurements equals INTENSE ROCK AND AUDIENCE STUPEFACTION! Yeah, seriously. Go see this group if you get a chance. You will NOT be sorry. Sounds like nothing else.

4. Architrave

facebook_1580414568526A stripped down version of Haley Moley or an additive version of Sinkcharmer?  One can’t help but be reminded of those two acts considering that Architrave is composed of husband and wife superlative musical team Paul and Jen Coleman. Yup. More scene points! These kids and the super dark kids take them all, I swear. Building on the sounds that made Sinkcharmer a huge local star within a year of his bursting on the scene, Architrave continues in the less band is more electronic noise and danceable vibe of an inimitable stable of vocals with depth and mystique and electronic devices.  The setup is intimidating, the electronics on time and ultra clear, the sounds entrancing and mesmerizing… and this is just a recently inspired collaborative project from these prolific writer/performers still in development!

3. Mr. Cancelled

facebook_1580415097236(Photo by Tessia Bekelja)

Thanks solely and completely to our promotional efforts, Mr. Cancelled has surged up the chart this year 4 positions to number 3! Well that and their recently released album awesome album Every Town Has Its Dolls, constant performances, and of course association with the cool superdark scene. It’s true that everytime you see these guys (especially self described ‘old guy’ frontman Gary Ziroli), they’re playing their hearts out and having fun. Bringing a mix of pop punk, noise, and innately constructed melodies and lyrics that anyone with any taste can sing along to, Mr. Cancelled rocks the local scene like a cooked turkey on fire falling off an airplane with a soda for screaming into!

2. Blood Blood Blood

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Oddly enough, in addition to Mr. Cancelled above, Blood Blood Blood (which shares members with Mr. Cancelled) is one of the few groups to really climb up the chart from last year. Once it was revealed that they were, in fact, the Olson twins, a large amount of unwanted notoriety and popularity faced them everywhere they went. Which honestly is quite impressive for a darkwave industrial death-lectronic group. There aren’t many towns where electronic groups with horror inspired lyrics over gothic almost gloomcore synths and distorted beats are known and loved above nearly all other original local acts. Probably says something about our area. Something, dare I say… Super Dark?!!

1. White Devil and the 666

a2755740404_16Anyone who saw White Devil (aka E.S. Cormac of the Hill Haints) the first time he played solo at Pauly’s Hotel knew he was gonna turn the entire local scene upside down! And the addition of the 666 (aka Black Jack Cassidy of Moon Worship and Kevin Johnston of Sisterhood of Sleep) brought this insane blues duo from outer space (and Texas) to the pinnacle of dark and frighteningly entertaining performance art in the Capital District. And based on their increasingly confident and wild performances of down home authentic way-down-in-the-delta blues (from Albany, Schenectady and Troy, the fertile delta of authentic imitation insane bluesbilly jams), we’re guessing they’re gonna be around to level this town until it can’t take no more. Congratulations, WHITE DEVIL AND THE 666 (you’re just gonna have to imagine a bunch of reverb and that guy that says ‘SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY’s voice saying this in your head since we haven’t figured out how to embed sound files yet)!  YOU KICKED ALL OUR ASSES!!!!

 

Runners Up (all the terribly great groups that didn’t make the collective top ten but were loved enough to be part of somebody’s top ten):

Pony in the Pancake Candy Ambulance belle skinner burly Laveda Mystery Girl Steve Hammond and his rabid children Che Guevara T-Shirt Hill Haints jagaloons Madeline Darby Motorbike pencildive Scum Couch Sinkcharmer Bear Grass Chief Comrade Nixon Home Body Safety Meeting Bare Mattress Bruiser and Bicycle Brule Country Bad Boys Coal Palace Kings dark honey dirt church dryer electric turtle fine grain Geoff Gorden goat sausage Haunted Cat kid vicious Leap the Dips Mountain Carol no more death stars Onlyness prince daddy and the hyena Slaughterhouse Chorus the machine Ugly Muppets Wet Specimens a judgemental swarm of bees ampevene andrew mirabile another michael avenue a bad mothers bendt born dying buried alive burnt hills Chloroform Party chris neuman cindy cane Fat Poodle Fossergrim fringe history frozen heads Fucking Christ Galene Gay Tastee Girl Blue Girth Control Greens Horse Apples Joan Kelsey’s Silver Lining Johnny Booth Lemon of Choice Lone PhoneBooth Male Patterns Matt Griffin Band Neighborhood of make believe Nickopotomus Parashi Pink Nois Postage Project Kate Ramblers Home Rambutan Scavengers Senior Living Sisterhood of Sleep Spirt of Violence stellar young the erotics the non-compliants the sea the sea thinking Tiki Bats Tom Atkins useless cans vice grip Zan & the Winter Folk Zeffler grabass cowboys blue ranger paradisa wove ciarra fragale corry loveday drank the gold tambourelli and her supertrips Dead Tooth Hasty Page Moribund Muzzle Lords NXNES Rechorduroys

Our endorsement for worst band of 2019: Scum Couch

We know that several of you (as many as 3) are eagerly awaiting this year’s worst local bands issue. However, since we are a non-commercial organization that doesn’t give a fuck what our gigantic audience wants and would rather just make fun of them and ourselves, before we release the results of what some of you (we’ve gotten about 40 so far) think, we’re going to be the assholes we are and endorse who WE want to win.

Friends, Capital District scenesters, college kids and graduates who will only be here for a few years and then move back to the City or hipsters moving on to Portland, the truth is, our area doesn’t deserve Scum Couch. The readers of this particular super-hip avant-garde underground blog aside, our region’s ‘rock’ music (for lack of a better or newer term, since we generally deal in ‘bands’ that play ‘guitars’ and ‘drums’ or ‘synths’ and ‘drum machines’) is defined by 3 general categories; straight/traditional punk and hardcore (tough guy music), indie rock/pop (artsy hipsters and intellectuals), and minor league corporate rock wannabes (3 martini state workers and divorced/separated parents just looking for ‘fun after work!’).

This publication seeks to speak to a shadowy (though increasingly large thanks to a couple of local promotion companies that shall remain nameless — just kidding SUPERDARK SHOUTOUT!!!!) 4th group that is generally ignored by larger publications that actually make money (unless they’re friends or relatives of the writers or somehow got their attention the one night their music critic actually went out to see new bands). This group is a melange of rock, noise, experimentalism, and in general, original, unique, eclectic music creators and appreciators.

0005878990_10And that is where Scum Couch, for the past year in particular, has outshined those of us that thought we were the coolest underground noise makers. Mark O’Brien, the talented genius behind Scum Couch, has a way of blending the most effective parts of the past 40 years of noise rock, experimentalism, improvisation, straight noise music and most likely a bunch of really intellectual academic John Cage type stuff (that we really don’t know that much about and have never honestly listened to ourselves b/c we really like to listen to stuff like the Beatles and Nirvana too much and come on, we’re just being honest here…) into something that is often transcendent, always entertaining, and unique as fuck.

Everything Scum Couch records, though seemingly often entirely improvisational (much like the so-called lo-fi genre) is completely filled with only the specific sounds that are called for, the instrumentation that’s necessary, and the harsh, sarcastic and cynical vocals and lyrics that are called for to be appreciated by the disaffected, bored, and restless underground of the day that only seems to be growing further and further from commercial pop, never to be joined again.

Furthermore, Scum Couch completely disabuses any listener of the notion that anything it creates could ever be or is in any way seeking to be generally popular or saleable. Perhaps the most important barometer for those of us that genuinely appreciate left field experimental music is; could this ever be co-opted? Could this ‘music’ ever be in a car commercial?

Unless our entire society undergoes a completely radical transformation soon, the answer is, for Scum Couch, a definitive no. No to commercial co-optation. No to traditional band structure. No to traditional rock music or instrumentation. No to narrative structure, no to ballads, no to anything resembling what’s been on the radio in the United States throughout its history.

a1879794086_10And yet the talent behind the project is unmistakeable. So many artist/musicians try to achieve a similar sound or record like, say, 2016’s ‘Weak Existence’ without anything near the level of success. This is noise. This is music. This is dreadful. Unlistenable. Brilliant.

a2255135405_10And if there were any question of O’Brien’s self awareness as a talented anti-artist, anti-musician, which is often the highest definition of high art and pretention, his 2018 recording is titled ‘Contrived’, and the previous release of 2017 was titled ‘Ignorant Bore’. Both brilliant pieces of noise collages and challenging instrumentation that titles itself in a self-deprecating manner, knowing that all art and whatsoever be it called ‘serendipitous’, ‘improvizational’, back to Surrealist ‘escritures automatique’, dada’s ‘Exquisite Corpse’, Impressionism’s ‘En Plein Air’..

Dammit Georges you Pretentious frenchman get the fuck out of here!

frenchman

“Aww-hhah hah!  I weel not apologizais! I weell take ma baguette and go, but you weell hear from mois aussi!  Je mean again! Allons Eee!”

The point we were trying to make before we started sounding so much like pretentious twats even we needed to put an end to it (and that we think Mark O’Brian was with his title) is that anything that is said to be arrived at naturally and without artifice is a total lie. Everything that is put on the canvass or the record is, definitively, CONTRIVED.

And with that, we realize that this entire article has become overly pretentious in our effusive praise of the avant-garde sounds of Scum Couch TM. So much so that instead of the kind of deadpan tawdry humor this publication trades in, we’ve written what appear to be the liner notes next to a painting for a graduate project in art history or a very poorly written draft piece for an application for New York Times art section writer. We had another 20 paragraphs on conceptual art and musique concrete, but we really don’t honestly understand much of that shit and just like to rock out with a little pseudo-intellectualism and pretention.  Not too much.

Yeah, we suck. And so does Scum Couch. So much so, that, if we had our druthers, they would win the ‘worst local band’ award for 2019. Because they’re so fucking good it’s like they come from a completely different world than the Capital District, a world where tough guy hardcore doesn’t compete with college radio friendly indie pop and pseudo corporate rock for after hours state workers and normal radio listening parents for the biggest slice of the tiny live music going audience.

Scum Couch isn’t looking for our vote. Scum Couch earned it. Long may they offend our ears, our tastes, and our notions of what ‘music’ is and should be! Long may they show a new generation of Capital District underground noise artists the way forward, a way without interest in monetary remuneration, a way without looking to be big and pretentious on the scene by standing on stage and pretending to be better than everyone by just looking at them instead of making music, a way of making intelligent music not out of a desire get laid (because they don’t play football or make enough money to go to Republican fundraisers), a blah blah blah blah blah we love you Scum Couch! Don’t ever change!

Hopefully next week we’ll put together the results of our actual survey for worst local band and you’ll be happy to see YOUR band or whatever band YOU voted for. But today is for our pick Scum Couch, because we hold you all in contempt, because you can’t appreciate what’s right in front of you! We hate you all so much!

Just kidding. We love our audience! See you next week when hopefully you’ll actually read!

FYI this was actually a very difficult decision to make. White Devil and the 666 and Blood Blood Blood were being heavily considered for our endorsement, however, we’re guessing they did better in the larger poll and therefore wouldn’t want or appreciate our lame personal endorsements.

And now, each of our writer/editors would like to make a personal note of appreciation for Scum Couch;

1cScott Koenig: We love you! Stay cool! Stay cool forever!

skoDJ THINK NOISE: Nobody else knows shit about shit!  You make us old timers and our deep, torturous, forgettable local history proud!

Monty Cantsin: Art! Pretention! Artifice! Noise! Rock! Whatever it is you do, we love it! Keep on doing it!

Stephen Connick: Have a gr8 summer!

Nenee Tartaulus: I just came back to get my stuff. What’s going on here?

Anatoly Petronin: I do not vote for you. Sirsy forever!

Georges Robert: I geeve you stinky french kisses! Aw-hah haa!

Errr, just as a note we had to invent some writers and add some new ones because most of our other writers from more famous areas of the scene/bands didn’t want to contribute cause they, are, uh, mad at us for not writing about their band. Ok they’re mad at us for writing about their band too much. And not being funny.  And sending them messages on Facebook late at night when we’ve drunk too much about how cool they are and why can’t we be that cool and what kind of pickups does your guitars have and can we be friends IRL at the mall tomorrow…

Requiem for the 2000 teens. The end?

So here it is. The end of an era. Some have called it the golden era. Others have said it was a bunch of shit. Some old asshole said this shit stank way worse than the shit that came before it, which was much less stinky than the shit that came before it, which was the stinkiest most terrible shit of all (the eighties. no wait, the seventies? how far back did we go there?).

We’ve just been notified that a lot of shit’s about to go down before the new decade begins. Bands are breaking up, clubs are closing down, shit’s being flushed. But new bands are forming, new clubs opening, old closed shitholes are rebranding themselves, hiring new booking agents, younger, weirder bartenders, with even more shockingly disgusting hair and facial accessories…

Before that happens though, we’d just like to take a moment to lament the past. There were great moments, some great music, some great shows and great friends. But there was a lot of shit too. Like your band. Face it dude, you guys sucked.

And well, of course, we must take our share of the blame. We could’ve been funnier. Like, a lot funnier. I mean, we were barely funny at all! People just came here to see their band mentioned. Then they shared it on facebook and pretended it was funny so people would read about their band. And then maybe their friend’s band. And then their collective of bands or music or shows or scenes or what the fuck ever. It was so fucking funny. We laughed so fucking hard…

But today we’re not laughing. Because the joke was on us; the real laughs people got were at our expense. Like; ‘how could this be that much less funny then Hard Times all the time? They’ve got to at least make one or two jokes that make me chuckle. And they just say weirder and stupider shit all the time, getting worse and worse! What the fuck? It’s just that bad it’s funny as fuck dude. You gotta read this shit.’

And so, as we admit to ourselves that we’re about as funny as fucking Mormons, we will finally be signing over our site to the local chapter of the Biden for President group of sites. That’s right. Joe Biden; he’s, um… he’s not so bad. Once you don’t see him or hear him speak for a while… He’s, uh, got some entertainment value…

NO! It’s not true! Donald Trump is a huge piece of shit, but he’s comedy gold! We will not let his reign end, lest we all die of boredom and contentedness and, um, everything in the world going better!! Chaos is way more fun!

And we’re gonna write some funny stories about bands you’ve really never heard of! Bands that have never played out, and never will! And you’re gonna read about them and say, what the fuck?! I’m in that band! I have to share this with my friends!

And in the 20s, we’re gonna use that anti-comedy formula to get mentioned over and over until people BELIEVE that we’re funny! It’s like all the music on the radio; it’s fucking garbage! But all the kids are listening to it, just like they always have, and somehow they’ve convinced themselves that shit is gold! And we can do it too! We just need you to believe in us! Well, not that actually. We need you to share our stories! We need the hype! We need to spread the shit all over the walls, all over the facebook, and all over the internet! And that’s how the 20s are gonna be! A con man’s paradise of cons! The one that will never end!

Phew. For a second there I thought we were actually gonna have to write about how great Biden is. Turns out we can just keep shitting where we eat, because, hell, we don’t make any money anyway. And we don’t run on views, we don’t exist based on popularity, we do and say whatever the fuck we want, and you either slurp it up or stop reading and it doesn’t make any difference at all to anyone anyway.

And you can expect us to continue not to matter in the next decade. Though our bands break up and our clubs fall down, we’ll make new bands and play sheltered under new awnings that have yet to collapse. Though our scene falls apart from infighting and people that stop fucking and start telling each other to kill themselves or brag about how much better their new lovers are, we will love again! Though people say we’re not as funny as we were and even then we always sucked, we shall suck again!

We’re looking forward to the 2020s and all the new music and noise it’ll bring. We hope you’ll join us. But if not, go fuck yourselves. Seriously. Times Boredom without end!

A new strategy for a new world!

So a number of us at Times Boredom have been lamenting the current state of album review sites; specifically, pretty much all of them seem to only review albums that they like and therefore give nothing but positive reviews (we admit to having been guilty ourselves of such strategy thus far in our existnece). While this is probably a good commercial and goodfeeling/popularity strategy, we have the benefit of being non-commercial and therefore can piss off whoever we like (within reason).

So if you genuinely want an honest review of your record (preferably one from that of the Capital Region or its surrounding areas), feel free to send them to us. Bandcamp is preferred. And honestly, if we hear one song and don’t like it, we’re probably just gonna say that.

We’re specifically interested (no we’re not calling you out but what can it hurt honestly) in up and coming releases by local labels such as Five Kill and Super Dark. So, yeah, if you’re reading this, put em up!

timesboredom@gmail.com

It’s time to stop mocking only the ones we love.

Maybe.

(Interesting strategy. Let’s see if it plays out)

We thought we were making the jokes

So after learning that the ‘Albany Skyway’; a multimillion dollar project to turn a highway ramp into a ‘recreational greenway’ overlooking the beautifully toxic eleven story ‘Central Warehouse’ (that can’t even be torn down due to environmental concerns that it will poison us all) will be going forward, nothing surprises us here at Times Boredom.

cw

And then this: https://www.timesunion.com/news/article/Rensselaer-to-launch-gondola-environmental-review-14503674.php

Another completely idiotic multimillion dollar transportation rehab-clownification scheme we’ve written about with unbridled derision before is said to be in the process of going forward as well.

Let’s see; $ 25 million for a ‘sky ride’ from the fucking rail station only rich politicians ride (the cost of a train ticket is more than 10 X that of a bus ticket any time of any day of the week) to an unnamed location in ‘downtown Albany’ (unnamed because, get this — it was originally to go to the fucking bus station!)gond

 

$ 3 million for the ‘greenway’ (in an area that already has multiple riverfront pedestrian bridges, sites, walkways, bikeways etc that are barely used — just head down there on a weekday from 9 to 5 when downtown isn’t empty and see who’s enjoying the millions of dollars already spent on ‘waterfront revitalization/beautification);

Albany Skyway design 2018-August_7

Together that’s $28 million.  And once a million $+ public works project begins, it usually doesn’t end until it’s at least doubled in cost.

How much does Mayor Sheehan keep saying our budget gap was?  Less than 1/5th of that.  How much do we spend on helping poor people who live in the inner cities of Albany and Rensselaer (gotta include that city too now since the gondolas start there) to make ends meet?  On environmental justice for poor people displaced by similar projects from the past?  On environmental justice for poor people breathing polluted air drinking toxic water being unable to safely cross the street as a result of other transportation projects that costed millions?  On subsidized bus fares for poor people?  On subsidized train fares for poor people that can’t currently afford to take the fancy government subsidized fancy boxcars (in case you were wondering Amtrak, like every airline, has never been profitable and has to be bailed out by your taxpayer money every fucking year) I’m guessing it’s less. Wayyyyy less.

Point is, we can’t even laugh at this anymore.  When it was proposals, it was funny.  Now that we’re spending real money on it, it’s sad.  If it gets built, tragic.  When  even Times Boredom stops laughing and starts getting all self righteous about public circus spending and exploitation of poverty stricken inner city residents, you know Albany’s in serious trouble.

Eternal Crimes officially changes their microgenre nomenclature for Saturday show’s flyer

Note: this story was read but not edited back for fear that I’d get too deep into making the nonsensical structure try to make sense and be more clever than it actually is, thereby potentially derailing the article entirely and thus Times Boredom just published it as is in case you get a quick chuckle out of it without taking it at all seriously.  

ecvFor some time now Eternal Crimes has been uncomfortable with their ‘post-punk’ genre label. Benefits of the label of course include its all encompassing nature, covering everything from Joy Division to the Fall and even onto the Birthday Party (i.e. early goth, early lo-fi, early noise rock, etc.).

However, the label’s strength was also its weakness. Post punk was too broad to let people know that Eternal Crimes mixes elements of no wave, goblin vocals, darkwave, and even the still unlabelled unholy genre crossbreed of Gang of Four’s mix of post-punk with funk and dance music (that later came to be known as electro-clash when it was specifically in Brooklyn and before the massive decade long hangover that came to be known as post Yeah Yeah Yeah Strokes never really was even tongue in cheek good cool or funny but still with the fuckin kid who now I gotta support forever).

ecSo in order to let people that were too lazy to look them up on bandcamp or facebook but might want to see them play a live show know what they were like, Eternal Crimes recently began the process to transfer their genre to something more appropriate.

Several genres were kicked around, with a preference for ‘Death Rock’ finally being arrived at (for now). Death rock, if you’ll recall, is often associated with the Birthday Party and its adherents though it unfortunately frequently is also associated with garbage like Christian Death. And if we’re going to get pretentiously pedagogical here (as if we haven’t already) it will be noted that many took Death Rock as a genre way too far back to say, when the Shangrilas recorded the fantastic ‘Leader of the Pack’ seven inch penis which joined other early 60s rock phalluses that narrated a death story and/or scene (and that was a totally dumb exercise in futility. They shouldn’t have done that. But of course after tracing punk rock back to the early sixties now everyone does it with everything for fuck’s sake…)

How Eternal Crimes got to finally become a Death Rock band is a fascinating story that involves as much sex, drugs, and death as you’d probably expect:

Several years ago now, Eternal Crimes filled out Independent Rock form PR 43B. They were subsequently informed that they would have to fill out pre-43B form which was only available in certain temperate zones of post-California. After requesting a rewrite per procedures established under Hardcore v Emo 1987, a stay was remandered to the custody of the group in question under the relevant diatribes. A post-referral notice allowed Eternal Crimes to fill out PR 43B once more without harassment from the K Records division of influence over northeastern Australian Death punk. Whence a photo and press release were taken from evidence and labelled as such for individual members John Gill and Shane Michael Sanchez, Jr. it was revealed that lead singer Nico Jordan was specifically left out of said session as a result of his former time in cross-genre act Severe Severe. A motion to file was ensued, and in said time the sentence was added onto time served for the encryption resulting from aforementioned micro-labelling, hair product, and trouser length. Finally it was decided that in abatement of a rediscussion on Pitchfork Tapes Tapes Tapes and other giant conglomerate corporate Indie rock publication notices a notice would be served but not need to be notarized by a post-hardcore judge in normal guy attire. Once this was accomplished, it was a no scope bath trope towards indie landfill that saved the motion from being overwhelmed with potential darkwave or no wave status and thus rendered the verdict of the microgenre ‘Death Rock’ to stated group Eternal Crimes.

And so it was that Eternal Crimes became, for the purpose of their latest gig flyer, a Death Rock band. Congratulations to the group and we look forward to receiving their public notice fees for change orders in the future!

(c) Times Boredom is a fully licensed publicity entryway for micro-genre classification under the we don’t give a diy fuck anymore procedure of 2019

 

The coming Times Boredom apocalypse!

Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
a friend, lyft, etc.

Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
from this tragic scene killing happening.

Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

But for now, a word from our sponsors!

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0009935449_10

“Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

sd

“That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
customers:”

mr-cancelled

“I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

ygidbbb

“I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

dryers2“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

frenchman“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

hhh

“E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

“Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

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1c

“Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

sko

“DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
the free weed.”

720x405-jim-ward“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
on)…”

IanMacKaye

“xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

(water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

“Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

(laughter from all correspondents)

“… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
camera…”

(further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)


Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

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Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

4de1d14547d581011c35822024817bc2.0

But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
clapping!