Requiem for the 2000 teens. The end?

So here it is. The end of an era. Some have called it the golden era. Others have said it was a bunch of shit. Some old asshole said this shit stank way worse than the shit that came before it, which was much less stinky than the shit that came before it, which was the stinkiest most terrible shit of all (the eighties. no wait, the seventies? how far back did we go there?).

We’ve just been notified that a lot of shit’s about to go down before the new decade begins. Bands are breaking up, clubs are closing down, shit’s being flushed. But new bands are forming, new clubs opening, old closed shitholes are rebranding themselves, hiring new booking agents, younger, weirder bartenders, with even more shockingly disgusting hair and facial accessories…

Before that happens though, we’d just like to take a moment to lament the past. There were great moments, some great music, some great shows and great friends. But there was a lot of shit too. Like your band. Face it dude, you guys sucked.

And well, of course, we must take our share of the blame. We could’ve been funnier. Like, a lot funnier. I mean, we were barely funny at all! People just came here to see their band mentioned. Then they shared it on facebook and pretended it was funny so people would read about their band. And then maybe their friend’s band. And then their collective of bands or music or shows or scenes or what the fuck ever. It was so fucking funny. We laughed so fucking hard…

But today we’re not laughing. Because the joke was on us; the real laughs people got were at our expense. Like; ‘how could this be that much less funny then Hard Times all the time? They’ve got to at least make one or two jokes that make me chuckle. And they just say weirder and stupider shit all the time, getting worse and worse! What the fuck? It’s just that bad it’s funny as fuck dude. You gotta read this shit.’

And so, as we admit to ourselves that we’re about as funny as fucking Mormons, we will finally be signing over our site to the local chapter of the Biden for President group of sites. That’s right. Joe Biden; he’s, um… he’s not so bad. Once you don’t see him or hear him speak for a while… He’s, uh, got some entertainment value…

NO! It’s not true! Donald Trump is a huge piece of shit, but he’s comedy gold! We will not let his reign end, lest we all die of boredom and contentedness and, um, everything in the world going better!! Chaos is way more fun!

And we’re gonna write some funny stories about bands you’ve really never heard of! Bands that have never played out, and never will! And you’re gonna read about them and say, what the fuck?! I’m in that band! I have to share this with my friends!

And in the 20s, we’re gonna use that anti-comedy formula to get mentioned over and over until people BELIEVE that we’re funny! It’s like all the music on the radio; it’s fucking garbage! But all the kids are listening to it, just like they always have, and somehow they’ve convinced themselves that shit is gold! And we can do it too! We just need you to believe in us! Well, not that actually. We need you to share our stories! We need the hype! We need to spread the shit all over the walls, all over the facebook, and all over the internet! And that’s how the 20s are gonna be! A con man’s paradise of cons! The one that will never end!

Phew. For a second there I thought we were actually gonna have to write about how great Biden is. Turns out we can just keep shitting where we eat, because, hell, we don’t make any money anyway. And we don’t run on views, we don’t exist based on popularity, we do and say whatever the fuck we want, and you either slurp it up or stop reading and it doesn’t make any difference at all to anyone anyway.

And you can expect us to continue not to matter in the next decade. Though our bands break up and our clubs fall down, we’ll make new bands and play sheltered under new awnings that have yet to collapse. Though our scene falls apart from infighting and people that stop fucking and start telling each other to kill themselves or brag about how much better their new lovers are, we will love again! Though people say we’re not as funny as we were and even then we always sucked, we shall suck again!

We’re looking forward to the 2020s and all the new music and noise it’ll bring. We hope you’ll join us. But if not, go fuck yourselves. Seriously. Times Boredom without end!

A new strategy for a new world!

So a number of us at Times Boredom have been lamenting the current state of album review sites; specifically, pretty much all of them seem to only review albums that they like and therefore give nothing but positive reviews (we admit to having been guilty ourselves of such strategy thus far in our existnece). While this is probably a good commercial and goodfeeling/popularity strategy, we have the benefit of being non-commercial and therefore can piss off whoever we like (within reason).

So if you genuinely want an honest review of your record (preferably one from that of the Capital Region or its surrounding areas), feel free to send them to us. Bandcamp is preferred. And honestly, if we hear one song and don’t like it, we’re probably just gonna say that.

We’re specifically interested (no we’re not calling you out but what can it hurt honestly) in up and coming releases by local labels such as Five Kill and Super Dark. So, yeah, if you’re reading this, put em up!

timesboredom@gmail.com

It’s time to stop mocking only the ones we love.

Maybe.

(Interesting strategy. Let’s see if it plays out)

We thought we were making the jokes

So after learning that the ‘Albany Skyway’; a multimillion dollar project to turn a highway ramp into a ‘recreational greenway’ overlooking the beautifully toxic eleven story ‘Central Warehouse’ (that can’t even be torn down due to environmental concerns that it will poison us all) will be going forward, nothing surprises us here at Times Boredom.

cw

And then this: https://www.timesunion.com/news/article/Rensselaer-to-launch-gondola-environmental-review-14503674.php

Another completely idiotic multimillion dollar transportation rehab-clownification scheme we’ve written about with unbridled derision before is said to be in the process of going forward as well.

Let’s see; $ 25 million for a ‘sky ride’ from the fucking rail station only rich politicians ride (the cost of a train ticket is more than 10 X that of a bus ticket any time of any day of the week) to an unnamed location in ‘downtown Albany’ (unnamed because, get this — it was originally to go to the fucking bus station!)gond

 

$ 3 million for the ‘greenway’ (in an area that already has multiple riverfront pedestrian bridges, sites, walkways, bikeways etc that are barely used — just head down there on a weekday from 9 to 5 when downtown isn’t empty and see who’s enjoying the millions of dollars already spent on ‘waterfront revitalization/beautification);

Albany Skyway design 2018-August_7

Together that’s $28 million.  And once a million $+ public works project begins, it usually doesn’t end until it’s at least doubled in cost.

How much does Mayor Sheehan keep saying our budget gap was?  Less than 1/5th of that.  How much do we spend on helping poor people who live in the inner cities of Albany and Rensselaer (gotta include that city too now since the gondolas start there) to make ends meet?  On environmental justice for poor people displaced by similar projects from the past?  On environmental justice for poor people breathing polluted air drinking toxic water being unable to safely cross the street as a result of other transportation projects that costed millions?  On subsidized bus fares for poor people?  On subsidized train fares for poor people that can’t currently afford to take the fancy government subsidized fancy boxcars (in case you were wondering Amtrak, like every airline, has never been profitable and has to be bailed out by your taxpayer money every fucking year) I’m guessing it’s less. Wayyyyy less.

Point is, we can’t even laugh at this anymore.  When it was proposals, it was funny.  Now that we’re spending real money on it, it’s sad.  If it gets built, tragic.  When  even Times Boredom stops laughing and starts getting all self righteous about public circus spending and exploitation of poverty stricken inner city residents, you know Albany’s in serious trouble.

Eternal Crimes officially changes their microgenre nomenclature for Saturday show’s flyer

Note: this story was read but not edited back for fear that I’d get too deep into making the nonsensical structure try to make sense and be more clever than it actually is, thereby potentially derailing the article entirely and thus Times Boredom just published it as is in case you get a quick chuckle out of it without taking it at all seriously.  

ecvFor some time now Eternal Crimes has been uncomfortable with their ‘post-punk’ genre label. Benefits of the label of course include its all encompassing nature, covering everything from Joy Division to the Fall and even onto the Birthday Party (i.e. early goth, early lo-fi, early noise rock, etc.).

However, the label’s strength was also its weakness. Post punk was too broad to let people know that Eternal Crimes mixes elements of no wave, goblin vocals, darkwave, and even the still unlabelled unholy genre crossbreed of Gang of Four’s mix of post-punk with funk and dance music (that later came to be known as electro-clash when it was specifically in Brooklyn and before the massive decade long hangover that came to be known as post Yeah Yeah Yeah Strokes never really was even tongue in cheek good cool or funny but still with the fuckin kid who now I gotta support forever).

ecSo in order to let people that were too lazy to look them up on bandcamp or facebook but might want to see them play a live show know what they were like, Eternal Crimes recently began the process to transfer their genre to something more appropriate.

Several genres were kicked around, with a preference for ‘Death Rock’ finally being arrived at (for now). Death rock, if you’ll recall, is often associated with the Birthday Party and its adherents though it unfortunately frequently is also associated with garbage like Christian Death. And if we’re going to get pretentiously pedagogical here (as if we haven’t already) it will be noted that many took Death Rock as a genre way too far back to say, when the Shangrilas recorded the fantastic ‘Leader of the Pack’ seven inch penis which joined other early 60s rock phalluses that narrated a death story and/or scene (and that was a totally dumb exercise in futility. They shouldn’t have done that. But of course after tracing punk rock back to the early sixties now everyone does it with everything for fuck’s sake…)

How Eternal Crimes got to finally become a Death Rock band is a fascinating story that involves as much sex, drugs, and death as you’d probably expect:

Several years ago now, Eternal Crimes filled out Independent Rock form PR 43B. They were subsequently informed that they would have to fill out pre-43B form which was only available in certain temperate zones of post-California. After requesting a rewrite per procedures established under Hardcore v Emo 1987, a stay was remandered to the custody of the group in question under the relevant diatribes. A post-referral notice allowed Eternal Crimes to fill out PR 43B once more without harassment from the K Records division of influence over northeastern Australian Death punk. Whence a photo and press release were taken from evidence and labelled as such for individual members John Gill and Shane Michael Sanchez, Jr. it was revealed that lead singer Nico Jordan was specifically left out of said session as a result of his former time in cross-genre act Severe Severe. A motion to file was ensued, and in said time the sentence was added onto time served for the encryption resulting from aforementioned micro-labelling, hair product, and trouser length. Finally it was decided that in abatement of a rediscussion on Pitchfork Tapes Tapes Tapes and other giant conglomerate corporate Indie rock publication notices a notice would be served but not need to be notarized by a post-hardcore judge in normal guy attire. Once this was accomplished, it was a no scope bath trope towards indie landfill that saved the motion from being overwhelmed with potential darkwave or no wave status and thus rendered the verdict of the microgenre ‘Death Rock’ to stated group Eternal Crimes.

And so it was that Eternal Crimes became, for the purpose of their latest gig flyer, a Death Rock band. Congratulations to the group and we look forward to receiving their public notice fees for change orders in the future!

(c) Times Boredom is a fully licensed publicity entryway for micro-genre classification under the we don’t give a diy fuck anymore procedure of 2019

 

The coming Times Boredom apocalypse!

Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
a friend, lyft, etc.

Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
from this tragic scene killing happening.

Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

But for now, a word from our sponsors!

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“Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

sd

“That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
customers:”

mr-cancelled

“I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

ygidbbb

“I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

dryers2“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

frenchman“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

hhh

“E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

“Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

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1c

“Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

sko

“DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
the free weed.”

720x405-jim-ward“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
on)…”

IanMacKaye

“xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

(water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

“Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

(laughter from all correspondents)

“… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
camera…”

(further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)


Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

4de1d14547d581011c35822024817bc2.0

But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
clapping!

Under their masks, Blood Blood Blood are actually the Olsen Twins!

That’s right, you heard it here first!  The reason Troy experimental electronic noise duo Blood Blood Blood wear masks is to hide their true identities.

bbb

“We’d already conquered tv, movies, fashion design, and perfume lines, so we wanted to move into music.”  says Ashley Kate Olsen

“Right, but we wanted to prove we could make it without just using our celebrity this time.  So we chose a really underground genre in a really unheard of place in Upstate New York to kickstart our career!” pipes in Mary Kate.  Or Michelle.  Whatever I don’t know their names.

There’s further evidence that the twins, initially made famous by 4th wall breaking meta documentary television program Full House, have been thinking about this project for some time now.  We’ve uncovered alternate titles and covers for several of their films:

bbb1bbbinthesunbbbhowthewestbbbdoube

When asked if they would continue covering their true identities in their experimental noise duo, recently expanding from the Capital Region to New York City, they both emphatically stated:

ygidbbb.png

Superdark and Chateau Shows declare temporary ceasefire to work on three city solution

On Friday morning the Super Dark Collective and Chateau shows put aside their differences to put on a kickass show at the Savoy Taproom in Albany.

The temporary ceasefire was declared as rebel Chateauans regained territories in the Albany province of the Capital District.  Meanwhile, survivors of the super fudge massacre dug in and tried to reclaim their stranglehold on Saratoga.  Troy remains contested territory.

flyWhen asked for comment, Christopher Brown of the Super Dark Collective stated:

sd

“What?  What the fuck are you talking about?  We’re not fighting.  The Chateau show guys are really cool.  We were never fighting!  You’re nuts dude.”

Dan Paoletti of Chateau shows similarly remarked:

“Who the fuck are you?  Are you that asshole from that band Fucking Christ that goes around saying how great they are and messages me constantly on facebook asking for shows and money and drugs?  What’s wrong with you?  Why do you make up this weird shit?”

This reporter attempted to attend the peaceful ceasefire show but couldn’t find parking around Lark Street in Albany.  Instead he went home, and, upon finding there was absolutely nothing worth streaming on netflix, hulu, or amazon prime got drunk and wrote a dumb article.  He also very much enjoyed i feel ok’s latest album on bandcamp and is considering purchasing it.  If you want to give him a ride to the show there’s still time to email him at timesboredom@gmail.com.  Or message him on facebook and harass him like he does to everyone else.