Recently the Times Boredom hotline received an anonymous tip that local musicians are operating a seedy underground luche libre network in Troy. Intrigued (to say the least), we followed up on this unusual lead and have some shocking revelations to report to you:
After being given a specific time and address, a couple of our reporters were met at the unmarked basement entrance of a popular Troy venue by a small but formidable woman who introduced herself as Holy PinkSlip.
“I take the bets,” she snarled, tapping the ash from a pumpkin spice latte-scented blunt.
“Bets on what?” we inquired.
“Follow me,” she replied ominously, and led us into a cavernous space packed with sweaty, howling throngs of excited people.
In the center of the dimly-lit room was a regulation-sized wrestling ring. Bare bulbs lined the walls and swung overhead, shining on the colorful makeup of many familiar faces. Musicians and fans we see at local music events were now mingling in elaborate costumes.
We barely recognized Ed of local band Hill Haints. With his headdress of bones and twisted metal and vest studded with porcupine quills, Ed looked more Mad Max wasteland than capital district pub. However, his most noticeable accessory was his Insta-famous cat, Mr. Whiskers, who was dressed in a tiny three-piece suit and perched neatly on his shoulder. “Best of luck to you tonight, Lord Humongous and Agent Whiskers,” Ms. Pinkslip whispered to the duo as a crowd of fans nodded solemnly as they passed.
Ms. PinkSlip led us over to the press box, crowded with local media personalities and an array of broadcasting equipment. We were given ring-side seats next to Saratoga celebrity Philip Donnelly, who revealed to us he has been the announcer and commentator for these events for nearly three years. He switched on his mic. “Welcome to the King Loser’s Cut Out Bin live coverage of this special event, the local luche libre semi-finals! Sponsored by the Super Dark Collective, and Bumpy’s Ice Cream Shop. Let’s do this! Over to you, Bob.”
In the center of the ring, Saratoga scene mayor Bob Carlton smoothed his tuxedo and reached up for the retractable mic. “Tonight! We are one step closer to the luche libre finals, where tonight’s winners will battle for supremacy of the local music scene in the 2019 season! Here are your luchadores!”
The crowd went wild as a line of outrageously-dressed characters representing themselves, their band, or their preferred musical stylings, paraded into the ring.
We were introduced to a few other local characters prior to the ring action.
A mysterious spectator who introduced himself to us only as “Anonymous Coward” was dressed in full costume but says he never participates. “If I’m pushed, I’ll leave. I’m not driven by pacifism, but by an extreme need to avoid conflict.” He provided our crew with a paper copy of the line-up.
(our artists’ sketch of ‘Anonymous Coward’)
Rookie Luchadore “The Big O” spoke with us after announcing he’d lost his first round. He confessed he earns his right to enter the ring by sewing costumes for the other Luchadores, and by providing post-match massages.
We’ll back next week with all the details and the match results!