As the mail room attendant here at Times Boredom HQ I get an unusual behind the scenes peek of our operations. Still I was dumbfounded when last monday Scott Koenig, our editor in chief, pulled me aside and said “Gram old boy old pal, you seem to be caught up on your sorting for the day. Maybe you could help me out by doing one of these reviews I’ve got pilling up!”

Not to be one to miss a golden opportunity I started eyeing the folder labeled “Maggot Brain” as I’ve been excited to hear their new stuff. “Not so fast there Grammy boy” Scott knowingly interjected, “I have an album that’s perfect for you, I’ve got to see if your reviews are worth even committing to print before you waste time trying to review a great local metal band.” He handed me a folder labeled “Asa Morris” and I thought to myself, who the hell is that? Hopefully he riffs hard.

Here I am on the following Wednesday figuring that I should probably get this over with before the holiday. Opening the folder up I’m greeted by a fresh pressed CD-R with Loud & Sad scribbled on it in sharpie, an oddly formatted packet of lyrics, and a note from Scott telling me to check my email for the photos and cursing me out for not changing the toner in the color copier again. I pop the cd into my vintage Aiwa XR-X7 CX-LX7U.

The album starts off with an instrumental track named ‘Theme for a British Television Series’ which is a pretty apt name as it starts with a riff reminiscent of something Nick Drake would have come up with (if he hadn’t taken that forever nap after feasting on his happy pills). It drips of the same sort of melancholy but is simpler and as it repeats a full band arrangement joins in for a short jaunt before the track ends at about 41 seconds fading out one note for about 60 more seconds — at least I think. I don’t know for sure as I skipped to the next track.

While the next track, ‘Away We Go’, started playing I opened up my email and poured myself a pint of Rebel Yell bourbon. The tune can only really be described as lo-fi pop. I’m almost glad the lyrics were included in the folder as the vocals were buried in the busy and noisy mix. I say almost because the last thing this world needs right now is another song about driving across the country for a girl.

As the next track starts the cover image finishes loading (on my 56 kb/s internet connection). I think it’s a purple cat. It might not be a cat but it looks more like a cat with every sip of bourbon. Unlike the track I very much like cats. The track reminds me of my recurring nightmares of being forced to listen to shitty rock tunes on the school bus early in the morning. With its creepy toy piano/ palm muted guitar chord progression, the track repeats until a false climax around the one minute mark where Asa kicks on a distortion pedal and strums the same power chord 69 times (hehehe) before the piano loop begins again and the guitar goes back to being annoying. The whole thing loops around again this time with some extra strumming when the power chord gets loud again and the song ends with the chord progression with the distortion pedal left on.

The next track is another hissy instrumental with a name I like, Paper Bag on Fire, which makes me think that the paper bag is filled with what this album is made out of. At this point as I’m pouring another pint of critic juice the photo of Asa pops up right underneath my mouse cursor and it looks like there is a little hand on his nipple. I included a photo of the photo, look at it, it’s so funny.

Finally we have come to the end of the album, and to its title track ‘Loud & Sad’. I actually kinda like this song though it may be the booze talking or maybe i’m just used to hearing songs mixed like this or even quite possibly it’s the lyrics that make me think he didn’t get the girl after all. Who doesn’t like seeing the hero fall on his face? Either way Asa, whoever the fuck you are, if you do ever read this if you got the girl it’s not because of this record. It’s despite it ,and that’s real love. If you didn’t it would give you a chance to make a better album for the right woman. One with maybe a clearer mix that even the shittiest of speakers can reproduce clearly and less of that one pitch shifting delay used all over that makes this album sound like 2013 all over again. Remember next time you can’t polish a turd, it’s too soft, you have to shellac it. To most of the others who will read this it may sound a bit harsh but at least this chap has put out an album, his fourth this year. You most likely haven’t and that makes you a bigger turn than what you could fit in the bag.

-Gram Vossen