Our endorsement for worst band of 2019: Scum Couch

We know that several of you (as many as 3) are eagerly awaiting this year’s worst local bands issue. However, since we are a non-commercial organization that doesn’t give a fuck what our gigantic audience wants and would rather just make fun of them and ourselves, before we release the results of what some of you (we’ve gotten about 40 so far) think, we’re going to be the assholes we are and endorse who WE want to win.

Friends, Capital District scenesters, college kids and graduates who will only be here for a few years and then move back to the City or hipsters moving on to Portland, the truth is, our area doesn’t deserve Scum Couch. The readers of this particular super-hip avant-garde underground blog aside, our region’s ‘rock’ music (for lack of a better or newer term, since we generally deal in ‘bands’ that play ‘guitars’ and ‘drums’ or ‘synths’ and ‘drum machines’) is defined by 3 general categories; straight/traditional punk and hardcore (tough guy music), indie rock/pop (artsy hipsters and intellectuals), and minor league corporate rock wannabes (3 martini state workers and divorced/separated parents just looking for ‘fun after work!’).

This publication seeks to speak to a shadowy (though increasingly large thanks to a couple of local promotion companies that shall remain nameless — just kidding SUPERDARK SHOUTOUT!!!!) 4th group that is generally ignored by larger publications that actually make money (unless they’re friends or relatives of the writers or somehow got their attention the one night their music critic actually went out to see new bands). This group is a melange of rock, noise, experimentalism, and in general, original, unique, eclectic music creators and appreciators.

0005878990_10And that is where Scum Couch, for the past year in particular, has outshined those of us that thought we were the coolest underground noise makers. Mark O’Brien, the talented genius behind Scum Couch, has a way of blending the most effective parts of the past 40 years of noise rock, experimentalism, improvisation, straight noise music and most likely a bunch of really intellectual academic John Cage type stuff (that we really don’t know that much about and have never honestly listened to ourselves b/c we really like to listen to stuff like the Beatles and Nirvana too much and come on, we’re just being honest here…) into something that is often transcendent, always entertaining, and unique as fuck.

Everything Scum Couch records, though seemingly often entirely improvisational (much like the so-called lo-fi genre) is completely filled with only the specific sounds that are called for, the instrumentation that’s necessary, and the harsh, sarcastic and cynical vocals and lyrics that are called for to be appreciated by the disaffected, bored, and restless underground of the day that only seems to be growing further and further from commercial pop, never to be joined again.

Furthermore, Scum Couch completely disabuses any listener of the notion that anything it creates could ever be or is in any way seeking to be generally popular or saleable. Perhaps the most important barometer for those of us that genuinely appreciate left field experimental music is; could this ever be co-opted? Could this ‘music’ ever be in a car commercial?

Unless our entire society undergoes a completely radical transformation soon, the answer is, for Scum Couch, a definitive no. No to commercial co-optation. No to traditional band structure. No to traditional rock music or instrumentation. No to narrative structure, no to ballads, no to anything resembling what’s been on the radio in the United States throughout its history.

a1879794086_10And yet the talent behind the project is unmistakeable. So many artist/musicians try to achieve a similar sound or record like, say, 2016’s ‘Weak Existence’ without anything near the level of success. This is noise. This is music. This is dreadful. Unlistenable. Brilliant.

a2255135405_10And if there were any question of O’Brien’s self awareness as a talented anti-artist, anti-musician, which is often the highest definition of high art and pretention, his 2018 recording is titled ‘Contrived’, and the previous release of 2017 was titled ‘Ignorant Bore’. Both brilliant pieces of noise collages and challenging instrumentation that titles itself in a self-deprecating manner, knowing that all art and whatsoever be it called ‘serendipitous’, ‘improvizational’, back to Surrealist ‘escritures automatique’, dada’s ‘Exquisite Corpse’, Impressionism’s ‘En Plein Air’..

Dammit Georges you Pretentious frenchman get the fuck out of here!

frenchman

“Aww-hhah hah!  I weel not apologizais! I weell take ma baguette and go, but you weell hear from mois aussi!  Je mean again! Allons Eee!”

The point we were trying to make before we started sounding so much like pretentious twats even we needed to put an end to it (and that we think Mark O’Brian was with his title) is that anything that is said to be arrived at naturally and without artifice is a total lie. Everything that is put on the canvass or the record is, definitively, CONTRIVED.

And with that, we realize that this entire article has become overly pretentious in our effusive praise of the avant-garde sounds of Scum Couch TM. So much so that instead of the kind of deadpan tawdry humor this publication trades in, we’ve written what appear to be the liner notes next to a painting for a graduate project in art history or a very poorly written draft piece for an application for New York Times art section writer. We had another 20 paragraphs on conceptual art and musique concrete, but we really don’t honestly understand much of that shit and just like to rock out with a little pseudo-intellectualism and pretention.  Not too much.

Yeah, we suck. And so does Scum Couch. So much so, that, if we had our druthers, they would win the ‘worst local band’ award for 2019. Because they’re so fucking good it’s like they come from a completely different world than the Capital District, a world where tough guy hardcore doesn’t compete with college radio friendly indie pop and pseudo corporate rock for after hours state workers and normal radio listening parents for the biggest slice of the tiny live music going audience.

Scum Couch isn’t looking for our vote. Scum Couch earned it. Long may they offend our ears, our tastes, and our notions of what ‘music’ is and should be! Long may they show a new generation of Capital District underground noise artists the way forward, a way without interest in monetary remuneration, a way without looking to be big and pretentious on the scene by standing on stage and pretending to be better than everyone by just looking at them instead of making music, a way of making intelligent music not out of a desire get laid (because they don’t play football or make enough money to go to Republican fundraisers), a blah blah blah blah blah we love you Scum Couch! Don’t ever change!

Hopefully next week we’ll put together the results of our actual survey for worst local band and you’ll be happy to see YOUR band or whatever band YOU voted for. But today is for our pick Scum Couch, because we hold you all in contempt, because you can’t appreciate what’s right in front of you! We hate you all so much!

Just kidding. We love our audience! See you next week when hopefully you’ll actually read!

FYI this was actually a very difficult decision to make. White Devil and the 666 and Blood Blood Blood were being heavily considered for our endorsement, however, we’re guessing they did better in the larger poll and therefore wouldn’t want or appreciate our lame personal endorsements.

And now, each of our writer/editors would like to make a personal note of appreciation for Scum Couch;

1cScott Koenig: We love you! Stay cool! Stay cool forever!

skoDJ THINK NOISE: Nobody else knows shit about shit!  You make us old timers and our deep, torturous, forgettable local history proud!

Monty Cantsin: Art! Pretention! Artifice! Noise! Rock! Whatever it is you do, we love it! Keep on doing it!

Stephen Connick: Have a gr8 summer!

Nenee Tartaulus: I just came back to get my stuff. What’s going on here?

Anatoly Petronin: I do not vote for you. Sirsy forever!

Georges Robert: I geeve you stinky french kisses! Aw-hah haa!

Errr, just as a note we had to invent some writers and add some new ones because most of our other writers from more famous areas of the scene/bands didn’t want to contribute cause they, are, uh, mad at us for not writing about their band. Ok they’re mad at us for writing about their band too much. And not being funny.  And sending them messages on Facebook late at night when we’ve drunk too much about how cool they are and why can’t we be that cool and what kind of pickups does your guitars have and can we be friends IRL at the mall tomorrow…

Eternal Crimes officially changes their microgenre nomenclature for Saturday show’s flyer

Note: this story was read but not edited back for fear that I’d get too deep into making the nonsensical structure try to make sense and be more clever than it actually is, thereby potentially derailing the article entirely and thus Times Boredom just published it as is in case you get a quick chuckle out of it without taking it at all seriously.  

ecvFor some time now Eternal Crimes has been uncomfortable with their ‘post-punk’ genre label. Benefits of the label of course include its all encompassing nature, covering everything from Joy Division to the Fall and even onto the Birthday Party (i.e. early goth, early lo-fi, early noise rock, etc.).

However, the label’s strength was also its weakness. Post punk was too broad to let people know that Eternal Crimes mixes elements of no wave, goblin vocals, darkwave, and even the still unlabelled unholy genre crossbreed of Gang of Four’s mix of post-punk with funk and dance music (that later came to be known as electro-clash when it was specifically in Brooklyn and before the massive decade long hangover that came to be known as post Yeah Yeah Yeah Strokes never really was even tongue in cheek good cool or funny but still with the fuckin kid who now I gotta support forever).

ecSo in order to let people that were too lazy to look them up on bandcamp or facebook but might want to see them play a live show know what they were like, Eternal Crimes recently began the process to transfer their genre to something more appropriate.

Several genres were kicked around, with a preference for ‘Death Rock’ finally being arrived at (for now). Death rock, if you’ll recall, is often associated with the Birthday Party and its adherents though it unfortunately frequently is also associated with garbage like Christian Death. And if we’re going to get pretentiously pedagogical here (as if we haven’t already) it will be noted that many took Death Rock as a genre way too far back to say, when the Shangrilas recorded the fantastic ‘Leader of the Pack’ seven inch penis which joined other early 60s rock phalluses that narrated a death story and/or scene (and that was a totally dumb exercise in futility. They shouldn’t have done that. But of course after tracing punk rock back to the early sixties now everyone does it with everything for fuck’s sake…)

How Eternal Crimes got to finally become a Death Rock band is a fascinating story that involves as much sex, drugs, and death as you’d probably expect:

Several years ago now, Eternal Crimes filled out Independent Rock form PR 43B. They were subsequently informed that they would have to fill out pre-43B form which was only available in certain temperate zones of post-California. After requesting a rewrite per procedures established under Hardcore v Emo 1987, a stay was remandered to the custody of the group in question under the relevant diatribes. A post-referral notice allowed Eternal Crimes to fill out PR 43B once more without harassment from the K Records division of influence over northeastern Australian Death punk. Whence a photo and press release were taken from evidence and labelled as such for individual members John Gill and Shane Michael Sanchez, Jr. it was revealed that lead singer Nico Jordan was specifically left out of said session as a result of his former time in cross-genre act Severe Severe. A motion to file was ensued, and in said time the sentence was added onto time served for the encryption resulting from aforementioned micro-labelling, hair product, and trouser length. Finally it was decided that in abatement of a rediscussion on Pitchfork Tapes Tapes Tapes and other giant conglomerate corporate Indie rock publication notices a notice would be served but not need to be notarized by a post-hardcore judge in normal guy attire. Once this was accomplished, it was a no scope bath trope towards indie landfill that saved the motion from being overwhelmed with potential darkwave or no wave status and thus rendered the verdict of the microgenre ‘Death Rock’ to stated group Eternal Crimes.

And so it was that Eternal Crimes became, for the purpose of their latest gig flyer, a Death Rock band. Congratulations to the group and we look forward to receiving their public notice fees for change orders in the future!

(c) Times Boredom is a fully licensed publicity entryway for micro-genre classification under the we don’t give a diy fuck anymore procedure of 2019

 

The coming Times Boredom apocalypse!

Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
a friend, lyft, etc.

Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
from this tragic scene killing happening.

Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

But for now, a word from our sponsors!

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0009935449_10

“Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

sd

“That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
customers:”

mr-cancelled

“I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

ygidbbb

“I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

dryers2“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

—————————————————————————————————————————-

frenchman“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

hhh

“E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

“Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

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1c

“Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

sko

“DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
the free weed.”

720x405-jim-ward“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
on)…”

IanMacKaye

“xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

(water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

“Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

(laughter from all correspondents)

“… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
camera…”

(further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)


Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

4de1d14547d581011c35822024817bc2.0

But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
clapping!

Under their masks, Blood Blood Blood are actually the Olsen Twins!

That’s right, you heard it here first!  The reason Troy experimental electronic noise duo Blood Blood Blood wear masks is to hide their true identities.

bbb

“We’d already conquered tv, movies, fashion design, and perfume lines, so we wanted to move into music.”  says Ashley Kate Olsen

“Right, but we wanted to prove we could make it without just using our celebrity this time.  So we chose a really underground genre in a really unheard of place in Upstate New York to kickstart our career!” pipes in Mary Kate.  Or Michelle.  Whatever I don’t know their names.

There’s further evidence that the twins, initially made famous by 4th wall breaking meta documentary television program Full House, have been thinking about this project for some time now.  We’ve uncovered alternate titles and covers for several of their films:

bbb1bbbinthesunbbbhowthewestbbbdoube

When asked if they would continue covering their true identities in their experimental noise duo, recently expanding from the Capital Region to New York City, they both emphatically stated:

ygidbbb.png

Superdark and Chateau Shows declare temporary ceasefire to work on three city solution

On Friday morning the Super Dark Collective and Chateau shows put aside their differences to put on a kickass show at the Savoy Taproom in Albany.

The temporary ceasefire was declared as rebel Chateauans regained territories in the Albany province of the Capital District.  Meanwhile, survivors of the super fudge massacre dug in and tried to reclaim their stranglehold on Saratoga.  Troy remains contested territory.

flyWhen asked for comment, Christopher Brown of the Super Dark Collective stated:

sd

“What?  What the fuck are you talking about?  We’re not fighting.  The Chateau show guys are really cool.  We were never fighting!  You’re nuts dude.”

Dan Paoletti of Chateau shows similarly remarked:

“Who the fuck are you?  Are you that asshole from that band Fucking Christ that goes around saying how great they are and messages me constantly on facebook asking for shows and money and drugs?  What’s wrong with you?  Why do you make up this weird shit?”

This reporter attempted to attend the peaceful ceasefire show but couldn’t find parking around Lark Street in Albany.  Instead he went home, and, upon finding there was absolutely nothing worth streaming on netflix, hulu, or amazon prime got drunk and wrote a dumb article.  He also very much enjoyed i feel ok’s latest album on bandcamp and is considering purchasing it.  If you want to give him a ride to the show there’s still time to email him at timesboredom@gmail.com.  Or message him on facebook and harass him like he does to everyone else.

We didn’t have time to interview THE MACHINE THAT WOULDN’T DIE before their tour, so we made one up

We were looking to interview Troy Agitprop costumed DIY punks The Machine that Wouldn’t Die before their tour this weekend of the Capital Region, but we couldn’t get in contact with them in time and we also didn’t try cause we’re really lazy. Plus we thought it would be way funnier if we just pretended to be them and skipped all the inevitable exposition.

tmtwdTB: So, Scott standing in for the the Machine that Wouldn’t Die, what would you say your music is?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: Interesting interesting. A lot has been made of the costumes you wear on stage. Did you make them yourselves?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: Well if you think that will change politics, at least at the local level, of course no one could be against that.

SK (for TMTWD): DIY Punk rock.

TB: I’m sorry; I didn’t get that?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: I see. Don’t you think that’s unusual for a band your age?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: A lot has been made of your so called ‘dissertation’ on the use of machinery to describe the takeover of the very fabric of reality by the technology we use and have used in the past that continues to generate different realities for different people, yet still somehow form a cohesive zeitgeist.

SK (for TMTWD): Do you have a question?

TB: Haha you got me there. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

tmtwd2Well there you have it. If you’re not blown away by their agitprop performance art or their music, their intellectual agenda has to at least make you think hard and deep. They’re playing tonight at the Arts Center of the Capital Region with Saratoga Hawaiian vampires Dryer (some of whom work at a college) and Grimey Landfill Sludge band Che Guevara T-Shirt. They continue their tour tomorrow at Pauly’s Hotel in Albany with out of town yet locally loved performance art duo Home Body (also from college) and Troy synth rock mainstays Haley Moley (some of whom work at a college). Both shows are being put on by the inimitable 0009935449_10Collective. Both shows are welcome to people that are in college, have been to college, or haven’t been to college. They will be enjoyable to all that people that enjoy being entertained.

Girth control is the funniest band ever

FUCKING EVER. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS FUNNY!  FUCKING SRSLY!

Ok well maybe in the heyday of funny fun punk rock like the Descendants when they were on SST but BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! That shit took it TOO FAR and it just wasn’t funny after a while and then it’s in the Base-Ket-Ball movie with the South Park guys and stripping cheerleaders and probably Blink 182 is involved and HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET HERE? Ok well some of that was funny and yeah that movie was fuckin funny but in general it’s just that, well, is it art?

GIRTH CONTROL HAS THE ANSWER:

WE’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE ART!

WE’RE IN IT FOR THE FUN!

WE’RE IN IT TO GET DRUNK!

AND SING SONGS SHORT AND FAST AND DUMB!

gcc

Albany hasn’t had a really genuinely funny punk rock/ska band around here in some time, and Girth Control is filling the hole so much (SO FUCKING MUCH WITH SO MUCH FUCKING GIRTH!) that legendary scenesters like Sarah Winner and Ralph Renna (who they wrote a song about to thank) have taken notice and are behind them hundred percent brah!

SO GO SEE THEM TONIGHT AT THE LOW BEAT AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF! OR WE WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR CATS WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE READING THIS BECAUSE WE CAN SEE YOUR IP IF YOU DONT GO TO THE SHOW WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOUR CATS FOR NOT SEEING THE FUNNIEST BAND EVER AND THEN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER WATCH OUT WE MEAN IT!! SRSLY!!!

Ok if you go to their bandcamp page and download their newest funniest fuckin record ever Shorter Faster Dumber we’ll let you slide this time but we better see YOUR FUCKIN PICTURE UP THERE SUPPORTIN THEM IT’S ONLY LIKE $5 YOU CHEAP BASTARDS OR YOUR CAT’S DEAD YOU FUCKIN HEAR ME?  NOT NOT DEAD DEAD NOT DEAD FUCKING! DEAD! CAT! IN! BOX!

Quantum phyics proof dooders.  Funniest band ever.