Under their masks, Blood Blood Blood are actually the Olsen Twins!

That’s right, you heard it here first!  The reason Troy experimental electronic noise duo Blood Blood Blood wear masks is to hide their true identities.

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“We’d already conquered tv, movies, fashion design, and perfume lines, so we wanted to move into music.”  says Ashley Kate Olsen

“Right, but we wanted to prove we could make it without just using our celebrity this time.  So we chose a really underground genre in a really unheard of place in Upstate New York to kickstart our career!” pipes in Mary Kate.  Or Michelle.  Whatever I don’t know their names.

There’s further evidence that the twins, initially made famous by 4th wall breaking meta documentary television program Full House, have been thinking about this project for some time now.  We’ve uncovered alternate titles and covers for several of their films:

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When asked if they would continue covering their true identities in their experimental noise duo, recently expanding from the Capital Region to New York City, they both emphatically stated:

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Superdark and Chateau Shows declare temporary ceasefire to work on three city solution

On Friday morning the Super Dark Collective and Chateau shows put aside their differences to put on a kickass show at the Savoy Taproom in Albany.

The temporary ceasefire was declared as rebel Chateauans regained territories in the Albany province of the Capital District.  Meanwhile, survivors of the super fudge massacre dug in and tried to reclaim their stranglehold on Saratoga.  Troy remains contested territory.

flyWhen asked for comment, Christopher Brown of the Super Dark Collective stated:

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“What?  What the fuck are you talking about?  We’re not fighting.  The Chateau show guys are really cool.  We were never fighting!  You’re nuts dude.”

Dan Paoletti of Chateau shows similarly remarked:

“Who the fuck are you?  Are you that asshole from that band Fucking Christ that goes around saying how great they are and messages me constantly on facebook asking for shows and money and drugs?  What’s wrong with you?  Why do you make up this weird shit?”

This reporter attempted to attend the peaceful ceasefire show but couldn’t find parking around Lark Street in Albany.  Instead he went home, and, upon finding there was absolutely nothing worth streaming on netflix, hulu, or amazon prime got drunk and wrote a dumb article.  He also very much enjoyed i feel ok’s latest album on bandcamp and is considering purchasing it.  If you want to give him a ride to the show there’s still time to email him at timesboredom@gmail.com.  Or message him on facebook and harass him like he does to everyone else.

We didn’t have time to interview THE MACHINE THAT WOULDN’T DIE before their tour, so we made one up

We were looking to interview Troy Agitprop costumed DIY punks The Machine that Wouldn’t Die before their tour this weekend of the Capital Region, but we couldn’t get in contact with them in time and we also didn’t try cause we’re really lazy. Plus we thought it would be way funnier if we just pretended to be them and skipped all the inevitable exposition.

tmtwdTB: So, Scott standing in for the the Machine that Wouldn’t Die, what would you say your music is?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: Interesting interesting. A lot has been made of the costumes you wear on stage. Did you make them yourselves?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: Well if you think that will change politics, at least at the local level, of course no one could be against that.

SK (for TMTWD): DIY Punk rock.

TB: I’m sorry; I didn’t get that?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: I see. Don’t you think that’s unusual for a band your age?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: A lot has been made of your so called ‘dissertation’ on the use of machinery to describe the takeover of the very fabric of reality by the technology we use and have used in the past that continues to generate different realities for different people, yet still somehow form a cohesive zeitgeist.

SK (for TMTWD): Do you have a question?

TB: Haha you got me there. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

tmtwd2Well there you have it. If you’re not blown away by their agitprop performance art or their music, their intellectual agenda has to at least make you think hard and deep. They’re playing tonight at the Arts Center of the Capital Region with Saratoga Hawaiian vampires Dryer (some of whom work at a college) and Grimey Landfill Sludge band Che Guevara T-Shirt. They continue their tour tomorrow at Pauly’s Hotel in Albany with out of town yet locally loved performance art duo Home Body (also from college) and Troy synth rock mainstays Haley Moley (some of whom work at a college). Both shows are being put on by the inimitable 0009935449_10Collective. Both shows are welcome to people that are in college, have been to college, or haven’t been to college. They will be enjoyable to all that people that enjoy being entertained.

Girth control is the funniest band ever

FUCKING EVER. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS FUNNY!  FUCKING SRSLY!

Ok well maybe in the heyday of funny fun punk rock like the Descendants when they were on SST but BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! That shit took it TOO FAR and it just wasn’t funny after a while and then it’s in the Base-Ket-Ball movie with the South Park guys and stripping cheerleaders and probably Blink 182 is involved and HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET HERE? Ok well some of that was funny and yeah that movie was fuckin funny but in general it’s just that, well, is it art?

GIRTH CONTROL HAS THE ANSWER:

WE’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE ART!

WE’RE IN IT FOR THE FUN!

WE’RE IN IT TO GET DRUNK!

AND SING SONGS SHORT AND FAST AND DUMB!

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Albany hasn’t had a really genuinely funny punk rock/ska band around here in some time, and Girth Control is filling the hole so much (SO FUCKING MUCH WITH SO MUCH FUCKING GIRTH!) that legendary scenesters like Sarah Winner and Ralph Renna (who they wrote a song about to thank) have taken notice and are behind them hundred percent brah!

SO GO SEE THEM TONIGHT AT THE LOW BEAT AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF! OR WE WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR CATS WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE READING THIS BECAUSE WE CAN SEE YOUR IP IF YOU DONT GO TO THE SHOW WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOUR CATS FOR NOT SEEING THE FUNNIEST BAND EVER AND THEN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER WATCH OUT WE MEAN IT!! SRSLY!!!

Ok if you go to their bandcamp page and download their newest funniest fuckin record ever Shorter Faster Dumber we’ll let you slide this time but we better see YOUR FUCKIN PICTURE UP THERE SUPPORTIN THEM IT’S ONLY LIKE $5 YOU CHEAP BASTARDS OR YOUR CAT’S DEAD YOU FUCKIN HEAR ME?  NOT NOT DEAD DEAD NOT DEAD FUCKING! DEAD! CAT! IN! BOX!

Quantum phyics proof dooders.  Funniest band ever.

10 Worst Local Bands of 2017!

Well it’s finally here, the issue everyone’s been waiting for! Our worst of list for 2015! No wait, we missed a few years … 2017! (and yeah we’re later then tax day, but fuck you it’s our site and we’ll write whatever dumb shit we want whenever we want and there’s nothing you can do about it go complain to a ‘legitimate’ publication if you don’t like it)

Please be advised that this list isn’t personal at all. All entries were based entirely on voting by the Times Boredom community as a whole and every vote was counted equally. All comments and reasons are based on merits and talents of bands and nothing else. (All hotlinks (click on the colored band names dummy!) are to bandcamp pages so you can judge for your damn self; I’m gettin real sick of music sites that don’t give you a way to actually hear the music but just fuckin dance about architecture instead — and yeah I spent more than 10 minutes with all the links and pictures and whatnot on this article so fucking read the whole thing not just the part about your favorite shitty band this time!).

Finally, if your band wasn’t mentioned here I guess you just didn’t suck enough last year. Wanna fight about it? E-mail me at scottkoenig2@gmail.com.

10. Asa Morris and the Mess — motherfucking lead singer moved to Florida. Florida!  RIP.

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9. No More Death Stars — I wrote a bunch of blurbs for the flyer for their show and I didn’t even get in for free nor get a free beer.

8. Haunted Cat — they keep teasing us with tracks from their album, and they won’t release physical copies until their show in May! And considering they boast being alumni of Complicated Shirt, John Rifle, Tuff, Sesame Plexer, and the Tender Breasts, you know this shit gonna be outta site. I’m sick of waiting.hc

7. Che Guevara T-Shirt — the lead singer is a cranky, fat, bald asshole and their new album only sold 6 copies (which is their best selling album ever) — despite the fact that half the band died in the making of it (the cover is a picture of one of the dead ones!) Losers.

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6. Sun Natives — still too fuckin cool.

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5. Dryer — 25 years old and still rockin steady regardless of every setback and hurdle that’s come their way. I wanna be them when I grow up. Or Brent Gorton. But he’d probably be pissed if I mentioned him (like the time he kicked J. Eric Smith from Metroland’s ass cause he didn’t like what he said about him and that guy was a fuckin Marine or something) so I’m gonna stay away from that powder keg.  I mean… um, yeah!  Dryer!

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4. Comrade Nixon — not even local! Yet they keep invading the capital district and blowing everyone away. And the lead guy was interviewed in a really important publication so lots of people will read this list if they’re mentioned.  Damned immigrants. Next time I see them I’m gonna buy them a beer.

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3. Candy Ambulance — Caitlyn won’t give me her phone number. Well ok, also they’re always on tour and hardly play locally anymore. So it’s more difficult to keep bugging Caitlyn to give me her phone number. We miss you…

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2. Moon Worship — I’m scared of these guys. I shouldn’t put them on this list. Now I’m scared of what I done. Please don’t flay me Moon Worship?  Go see or listen to them at your own peril and doom…

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1. Hill Haints — not fair. Always great live, recently put out a fantastic new ep, totally nice guys, seems there’s nothing not awesome about this band. What’s their angle? Nobody’s this good and this cool without an ulterior motive. Times Boredom is on to the Hill Haints!

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Super Dark to announce IPO

The Saratoga Springs based production company, media enterprise, promotions firm, booking agent, record label, etc. known as ‘Super Dark’ collective has announced that it has attained enough fame and financial success to formally go public within the next year.

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Begun in 2013, the original aim of the company was to make exceedingly fudgey brownies. “Well, we looked at the capital district market for baked goods and just thought it was all too light and fluffy. There were blondies, cookies, cake brownies, angel food, etc.” says Super Dark founder Shane Sanchez. “None of them were dark enough for our tastes. Hence ‘super dark’ collective.”

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“However, we quickly realized that Sweet Sue ran the baked goods racket in this town with an iron fist. We knew we couldn’t compete, so we decided to just do what every Fortune 500 company that started in the 21st century did; promote local rock music!”

Ever since, the Super Dark label has made its mark everywhere there’s independent music in the Capital District and beyond. Every band from Saratoga and Glens Falls that’s sold a over a hundred thousand records in the past year are owned, represented, booked, and/or promoted by the Super Dark collective. The most recent enterprise of this financial juggernaut is a radio show, sure to become a radio station in no time at all.

“Before Super Dark, there was music in the Capital District;” says local pervert Scott Koenig, “it’s just that no one knew about it. Super Dark found a way to publicize and support local music in a way that no one since, well… I was gonna say Metroland or the Alt but they both totally sucked at promoting good music… ever has done before. And to make millions doing it!”

Don’t forget to call your broker and put a buy order in for Super Dark Collective Stock (NASDAQ symbol: SDCS) as soon as it’s available!

Sun Natives too fuckin cool

facebook_1507910145204Sun Natives — who are they and how’d they get so fuckin cool?

Local government planner/ killer of rock music Grendel Moses is concerned about new Albany rock band Sun Natives. “I don’t like the looks of em.  They look good, they sound good, they play this beautifully textured ambient psychedelic soundscape with a minimum of pretention, and now they’ve got this adorable new female singer.  Worse yet, they’re so fuckin mysterious and cool!  Where did they come from?  I told my people I need all the info they can gather on this band so we can stop them from getting people to come out to see their frankly excellent look and sound.”

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Old Coot DJ Think Noise is also concerned; “So I’m sittin there with all my old buds debating the structions versus the brevators, and these fuckin kids with their glassy eyes just plug in their guitars and start playing” says old coot DJ Think Noise.  “And they just blow us all away.  It’s not fair that these guys came out of nowhere, nobody knows them, they haven’t been around for 20 years, and they rule.  They need to be stopped!”

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