Eternal Crimes officially changes their microgenre nomenclature for Saturday show’s flyer

Note: this story was read but not edited back for fear that I’d get too deep into making the nonsensical structure try to make sense and be more clever than it actually is, thereby potentially derailing the article entirely and thus Times Boredom just published it as is in case you get a quick chuckle out of it without taking it at all seriously.  

ecvFor some time now Eternal Crimes has been uncomfortable with their ‘post-punk’ genre label. Benefits of the label of course include its all encompassing nature, covering everything from Joy Division to the Fall and even onto the Birthday Party (i.e. early goth, early lo-fi, early noise rock, etc.).

However, the label’s strength was also its weakness. Post punk was too broad to let people know that Eternal Crimes mixes elements of no wave, goblin vocals, darkwave, and even the still unlabelled unholy genre crossbreed of Gang of Four’s mix of post-punk with funk and dance music (that later came to be known as electro-clash when it was specifically in Brooklyn and before the massive decade long hangover that came to be known as post Yeah Yeah Yeah Strokes never really was even tongue in cheek good cool or funny but still with the fuckin kid who now I gotta support forever).

ecSo in order to let people that were too lazy to look them up on bandcamp or facebook but might want to see them play a live show know what they were like, Eternal Crimes recently began the process to transfer their genre to something more appropriate.

Several genres were kicked around, with a preference for ‘Death Rock’ finally being arrived at (for now). Death rock, if you’ll recall, is often associated with the Birthday Party and its adherents though it unfortunately frequently is also associated with garbage like Christian Death. And if we’re going to get pretentiously pedagogical here (as if we haven’t already) it will be noted that many took Death Rock as a genre way too far back to say, when the Shangrilas recorded the fantastic ‘Leader of the Pack’ seven inch penis which joined other early 60s rock phalluses that narrated a death story and/or scene (and that was a totally dumb exercise in futility. They shouldn’t have done that. But of course after tracing punk rock back to the early sixties now everyone does it with everything for fuck’s sake…)

How Eternal Crimes got to finally become a Death Rock band is a fascinating story that involves as much sex, drugs, and death as you’d probably expect:

Several years ago now, Eternal Crimes filled out Independent Rock form PR 43B. They were subsequently informed that they would have to fill out pre-43B form which was only available in certain temperate zones of post-California. After requesting a rewrite per procedures established under Hardcore v Emo 1987, a stay was remandered to the custody of the group in question under the relevant diatribes. A post-referral notice allowed Eternal Crimes to fill out PR 43B once more without harassment from the K Records division of influence over northeastern Australian Death punk. Whence a photo and press release were taken from evidence and labelled as such for individual members John Gill and Shane Michael Sanchez, Jr. it was revealed that lead singer Nico Jordan was specifically left out of said session as a result of his former time in cross-genre act Severe Severe. A motion to file was ensued, and in said time the sentence was added onto time served for the encryption resulting from aforementioned micro-labelling, hair product, and trouser length. Finally it was decided that in abatement of a rediscussion on Pitchfork Tapes Tapes Tapes and other giant conglomerate corporate Indie rock publication notices a notice would be served but not need to be notarized by a post-hardcore judge in normal guy attire. Once this was accomplished, it was a no scope bath trope towards indie landfill that saved the motion from being overwhelmed with potential darkwave or no wave status and thus rendered the verdict of the microgenre ‘Death Rock’ to stated group Eternal Crimes.

And so it was that Eternal Crimes became, for the purpose of their latest gig flyer, a Death Rock band. Congratulations to the group and we look forward to receiving their public notice fees for change orders in the future!

(c) Times Boredom is a fully licensed publicity entryway for micro-genre classification under the we don’t give a diy fuck anymore procedure of 2019

 

The coming Times Boredom apocalypse!

Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
a friend, lyft, etc.

Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
from this tragic scene killing happening.

Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

But for now, a word from our sponsors!

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“Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

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“That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
customers:”

mr-cancelled

“I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

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“I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

dryers2“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

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frenchman“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

hhh

“E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

“Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

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1c

“Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

sko

“DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
the free weed.”

720x405-jim-ward“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
on)…”

IanMacKaye

“xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

(water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

“Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

(laughter from all correspondents)

“… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
camera…”

(further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)


Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

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Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

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But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
clapping!

Under their masks, Blood Blood Blood are actually the Olsen Twins!

That’s right, you heard it here first!  The reason Troy experimental electronic noise duo Blood Blood Blood wear masks is to hide their true identities.

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“We’d already conquered tv, movies, fashion design, and perfume lines, so we wanted to move into music.”  says Ashley Kate Olsen

“Right, but we wanted to prove we could make it without just using our celebrity this time.  So we chose a really underground genre in a really unheard of place in Upstate New York to kickstart our career!” pipes in Mary Kate.  Or Michelle.  Whatever I don’t know their names.

There’s further evidence that the twins, initially made famous by 4th wall breaking meta documentary television program Full House, have been thinking about this project for some time now.  We’ve uncovered alternate titles and covers for several of their films:

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When asked if they would continue covering their true identities in their experimental noise duo, recently expanding from the Capital Region to New York City, they both emphatically stated:

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Superdark and Chateau Shows declare temporary ceasefire to work on three city solution

On Friday morning the Super Dark Collective and Chateau shows put aside their differences to put on a kickass show at the Savoy Taproom in Albany.

The temporary ceasefire was declared as rebel Chateauans regained territories in the Albany province of the Capital District.  Meanwhile, survivors of the super fudge massacre dug in and tried to reclaim their stranglehold on Saratoga.  Troy remains contested territory.

flyWhen asked for comment, Christopher Brown of the Super Dark Collective stated:

sd

“What?  What the fuck are you talking about?  We’re not fighting.  The Chateau show guys are really cool.  We were never fighting!  You’re nuts dude.”

Dan Paoletti of Chateau shows similarly remarked:

“Who the fuck are you?  Are you that asshole from that band Fucking Christ that goes around saying how great they are and messages me constantly on facebook asking for shows and money and drugs?  What’s wrong with you?  Why do you make up this weird shit?”

This reporter attempted to attend the peaceful ceasefire show but couldn’t find parking around Lark Street in Albany.  Instead he went home, and, upon finding there was absolutely nothing worth streaming on netflix, hulu, or amazon prime got drunk and wrote a dumb article.  He also very much enjoyed i feel ok’s latest album on bandcamp and is considering purchasing it.  If you want to give him a ride to the show there’s still time to email him at timesboredom@gmail.com.  Or message him on facebook and harass him like he does to everyone else.

We didn’t have time to interview THE MACHINE THAT WOULDN’T DIE before their tour, so we made one up

We were looking to interview Troy Agitprop costumed DIY punks The Machine that Wouldn’t Die before their tour this weekend of the Capital Region, but we couldn’t get in contact with them in time and we also didn’t try cause we’re really lazy. Plus we thought it would be way funnier if we just pretended to be them and skipped all the inevitable exposition.

tmtwdTB: So, Scott standing in for the the Machine that Wouldn’t Die, what would you say your music is?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: Interesting interesting. A lot has been made of the costumes you wear on stage. Did you make them yourselves?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: Well if you think that will change politics, at least at the local level, of course no one could be against that.

SK (for TMTWD): DIY Punk rock.

TB: I’m sorry; I didn’t get that?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: I see. Don’t you think that’s unusual for a band your age?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: A lot has been made of your so called ‘dissertation’ on the use of machinery to describe the takeover of the very fabric of reality by the technology we use and have used in the past that continues to generate different realities for different people, yet still somehow form a cohesive zeitgeist.

SK (for TMTWD): Do you have a question?

TB: Haha you got me there. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

tmtwd2Well there you have it. If you’re not blown away by their agitprop performance art or their music, their intellectual agenda has to at least make you think hard and deep. They’re playing tonight at the Arts Center of the Capital Region with Saratoga Hawaiian vampires Dryer (some of whom work at a college) and Grimey Landfill Sludge band Che Guevara T-Shirt. They continue their tour tomorrow at Pauly’s Hotel in Albany with out of town yet locally loved performance art duo Home Body (also from college) and Troy synth rock mainstays Haley Moley (some of whom work at a college). Both shows are being put on by the inimitable 0009935449_10Collective. Both shows are welcome to people that are in college, have been to college, or haven’t been to college. They will be enjoyable to all that people that enjoy being entertained.

Girth control is the funniest band ever

FUCKING EVER. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS FUNNY!  FUCKING SRSLY!

Ok well maybe in the heyday of funny fun punk rock like the Descendants when they were on SST but BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! That shit took it TOO FAR and it just wasn’t funny after a while and then it’s in the Base-Ket-Ball movie with the South Park guys and stripping cheerleaders and probably Blink 182 is involved and HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET HERE? Ok well some of that was funny and yeah that movie was fuckin funny but in general it’s just that, well, is it art?

GIRTH CONTROL HAS THE ANSWER:

WE’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE ART!

WE’RE IN IT FOR THE FUN!

WE’RE IN IT TO GET DRUNK!

AND SING SONGS SHORT AND FAST AND DUMB!

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Albany hasn’t had a really genuinely funny punk rock/ska band around here in some time, and Girth Control is filling the hole so much (SO FUCKING MUCH WITH SO MUCH FUCKING GIRTH!) that legendary scenesters like Sarah Winner and Ralph Renna (who they wrote a song about to thank) have taken notice and are behind them hundred percent brah!

SO GO SEE THEM TONIGHT AT THE LOW BEAT AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF! OR WE WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR CATS WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE READING THIS BECAUSE WE CAN SEE YOUR IP IF YOU DONT GO TO THE SHOW WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOUR CATS FOR NOT SEEING THE FUNNIEST BAND EVER AND THEN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER WATCH OUT WE MEAN IT!! SRSLY!!!

Ok if you go to their bandcamp page and download their newest funniest fuckin record ever Shorter Faster Dumber we’ll let you slide this time but we better see YOUR FUCKIN PICTURE UP THERE SUPPORTIN THEM IT’S ONLY LIKE $5 YOU CHEAP BASTARDS OR YOUR CAT’S DEAD YOU FUCKIN HEAR ME?  NOT NOT DEAD DEAD NOT DEAD FUCKING! DEAD! CAT! IN! BOX!

Quantum phyics proof dooders.  Funniest band ever.

10 Worst Local Bands of 2017!

Well it’s finally here, the issue everyone’s been waiting for! Our worst of list for 2015! No wait, we missed a few years … 2017! (and yeah we’re later then tax day, but fuck you it’s our site and we’ll write whatever dumb shit we want whenever we want and there’s nothing you can do about it go complain to a ‘legitimate’ publication if you don’t like it)

Please be advised that this list isn’t personal at all. All entries were based entirely on voting by the Times Boredom community as a whole and every vote was counted equally. All comments and reasons are based on merits and talents of bands and nothing else. (All hotlinks (click on the colored band names dummy!) are to bandcamp pages so you can judge for your damn self; I’m gettin real sick of music sites that don’t give you a way to actually hear the music but just fuckin dance about architecture instead — and yeah I spent more than 10 minutes with all the links and pictures and whatnot on this article so fucking read the whole thing not just the part about your favorite shitty band this time!).

Finally, if your band wasn’t mentioned here I guess you just didn’t suck enough last year. Wanna fight about it? E-mail me at scottkoenig2@gmail.com.

10. Asa Morris and the Mess — motherfucking lead singer moved to Florida. Florida!  RIP.

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9. No More Death Stars — I wrote a bunch of blurbs for the flyer for their show and I didn’t even get in for free nor get a free beer.

8. Haunted Cat — they keep teasing us with tracks from their album, and they won’t release physical copies until their show in May! And considering they boast being alumni of Complicated Shirt, John Rifle, Tuff, Sesame Plexer, and the Tender Breasts, you know this shit gonna be outta site. I’m sick of waiting.hc

7. Che Guevara T-Shirt — the lead singer is a cranky, fat, bald asshole and their new album only sold 6 copies (which is their best selling album ever) — despite the fact that half the band died in the making of it (the cover is a picture of one of the dead ones!) Losers.

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6. Sun Natives — still too fuckin cool.

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5. Dryer — 25 years old and still rockin steady regardless of every setback and hurdle that’s come their way. I wanna be them when I grow up. Or Brent Gorton. But he’d probably be pissed if I mentioned him (like the time he kicked J. Eric Smith from Metroland’s ass cause he didn’t like what he said about him and that guy was a fuckin Marine or something) so I’m gonna stay away from that powder keg.  I mean… um, yeah!  Dryer!

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4. Comrade Nixon — not even local! Yet they keep invading the capital district and blowing everyone away. And the lead guy was interviewed in a really important publication so lots of people will read this list if they’re mentioned.  Damned immigrants. Next time I see them I’m gonna buy them a beer.

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3. Candy Ambulance — Caitlyn won’t give me her phone number. Well ok, also they’re always on tour and hardly play locally anymore. So it’s more difficult to keep bugging Caitlyn to give me her phone number. We miss you…

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2. Moon Worship — I’m scared of these guys. I shouldn’t put them on this list. Now I’m scared of what I done. Please don’t flay me Moon Worship?  Go see or listen to them at your own peril and doom…

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1. Hill Haints — not fair. Always great live, recently put out a fantastic new ep, totally nice guys, seems there’s nothing not awesome about this band. What’s their angle? Nobody’s this good and this cool without an ulterior motive. Times Boredom is on to the Hill Haints!

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