The ironically titled ‘No Fun’ bar and venue to change Troy, the Capital District, craft brews, art and culture in the world we know it forever!!!! And you can take that from your pal MC Think Noise, cause I know shit about shit!

Y’all don’t know shit about shit! So before the great and wise ancient scenester MC Think Noise here tells you about the greatest bar and venue that ever was or shall be, a little history lesson for you ungrateful ahistorical pretentious hipster twerps!  i was once like you… hey shutup you in the back! You think I can’t hear you?! I know what you’re saying and YOU. DON’T. KNOW. SHIT. So listen up!

A cultural/scene history lesson from ancient cranky pants anti-hipster MC Think Noise before the announcement you’ve all been waiting for… just kidding. Or are we? The only way to know for sure is to keep reading.

Now as a hardcore lefter than left of left Marxist, anti-Capitalist, anti-advertisement and anti-Fun self loathing petty-bourgeouis schpieler, I was flat out opposed to making this announcement. However;

  • I was told the name of the venue was gonna be ‘No Fun’. Course I’m an Iggy acolyte from way back in the day, I myself named the ‘No New York’ no wave comp, and am immune to irony in all its forms yet can appreciate it smarter than any of any of you!
  • They offered me free admission to all
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shows now and in the future!

And the final clincher for this old dog, a free sixer of my favorite, Nine Pin Cider from my current favorite Lark Street haunt Pint Sized. A couple of cans in and I didn’t even care when I remembered all the god damned super dark shows are free! To me and everyone else!

Seriously though. This is the coolest fucking news/surprise/secret I’ve ever been savvy too before any a you pricks! Now hand me another cider, and I’ll tell you about the coming of the ultimate bar/craft beer & cider/show space/diy art venue in downtown Troy; NO FUN!!!!!

My now and forever hero, August Rosa, owner of Pint Sized and the brave force that will bring us NO FUN!!!!

So let me start off by saying a few words about the hero of the new place, Sir August Rosa:

  • If he’d been the master composer and heavy shredding guitarist behind legendary Albany collective rock/emo pop punk band Aficionado, Dayenu.
  • If he’d opened a basement location in Albany to sell local and regional craft beers, ciders, and more, Dayenu.
  • If he’d taken that basement location to the heart of Center Square on Lark Street, filled it with taps and hundreds of delicious choices, made a great space to hang out AND a great venue for great shows, Dayenu.
  • If he’d built upon that success with a second location in Saratoga on Broadway, Dayenu.
  • And if you don’t fuckin know what ‘Dayenu’ means, shit son, what are they teaching you in that dumbshit school you got goin to? That’s from the Bible son! And I didn’t even go to college and highschool too! And look where it got me! Shit I lost my place. Where was I?

    Oh yeah,….
    And now, when you think he can give the Capital District no more cool shit, he gives us “too much too soon” and asks too little (that was a Buster Poindexter reference if you didn’t know ya little ignoranimus that dunnit know shit… who’s Buster Poindexeter? SEriously?!!! New York Dolls frontman Buster.. ah forget it) Now where was I?

    A new venue for Pint Sized in downtown Troy at 277 River Street where he’ll be bringing all the great craft brews to Troy where you can drink them in the bar or just pick up a growler or a case to enjoy at home. And a brand new awesome diy/performance and art space at 275 River Street right where it’s needed most, where all of us scene geeks and freaks, hipsters and art snobs, craft beer enthusiasts, and pretentious neck beard types can call our second home, called ‘No Fun’!

    Local booking/promoting/presenting/executive producer of all things experimentally illuminating yet ‘Super dark’, my man Shane Sanchez (the dude with his eyes crossed in)

    Most importantly, he’s partnering up with the likes of the super dudes from the Superdark collective; Shane Sanchez for his excellence in booking and promotions, and John Olander to build the coolest fucking sound system EVER while keeping it low key with a good sized stage and weird crazy art and media to decorate the coolest fucking hangpad EVER to make what we’re all expecting to be the best fucking club in downtown Troy or ANYWHERE EVER!!!!

    My pal Johnnyola. He told me about this Superman guy at the place… ah shit I shouldn’t of said that. I’m smart too not like they say… and I got passed over for my kid brother! Now say a hail Mary for the master of noise tech John Olander who will be building the sound system, stage, and mise en scene from fucking scratch!

    August, who already owns and operates 2 cool as that fucking cider I done already finished cause I’m a no-good old drunk that feels too damned much nostalgia for the old days that were so fucking great that there’s no way the future can possibly compete unless it’s in the heart of downtown Troy and run by 3 of the coolest people around… shit I forgot where I was going with this…

    Anyway, August told me personally that “People have always asked why we haven’t done a project in Troy. I’ve always wanted to bring Pint Sized to downtown and have looked at spaces on and around River Street as early as 2017. There is a lot going on in Troy and I never felt that a Pint Sized on its own would be enough with so many unique and innovative offerings to do in the area. The “No Fun” event space will be what really sets this project apart. I absolutely see a need for dedicated performance space in downtown. We look forward to being a part of Troy’s downtown scene.”

    And you KNOW your ole dog Think Noise couldn’t agree more. As a longtime Troy scenester, I’ve seen plenty of awesome venues come and go. My favorite by far was 51 3rd Street (a venue that most of y’all are too young to have witnessed the awesome powers and influence of), a real cool and weird square hole in the wall pad where RPI professors, students, and scenesters from around the Capital District could go to see great local shit like Denim and Diamonds, Complicated Shirt and Struction as well as national up and coming experimental performing acts like Fat Worm of Error, Dan Deacon, noise music royalty like Emil Beaulieu, and so many other great things I could list off that we’d be here all night… And then of course there was the likes of Artie’s many venues the last one that evenutally became the River Street Pub run by Vince Pellicano where the Super dark boys found their original home base in Troy. And then of course there were the legendary clubs and concert venues like the Hudson Duster, EmPAc, Revolution Hall and so many other cool and not so cool places to see shows that shut down or were the wrong place or size for the hip experimental noise and indie rock art house performances that Troy is famous for or the fantastic outdoor shows at Rare Form that for the past year have given us a way to see so many great superdark shows even in the midst of the Covid pandemic…

    But all that don’t mean shit, now that the setup, location, dedication, and fuckin yeah fucker spirits of everyone that’s gonna be working on the new Pint Sized location and ‘No Fun’ diy performance and art venue promises the beginning of a whole new era, a new paradigm, are you pickin up what Think Noise is puttin down?! If only they’d hire yours truly to be the house MC, they’d have it all!

    And your ole pal and drinking buddy gone dry and back again cannot fucking wait until the doors open and we rush in! To the end of quarantining and watching home performances of all my favorite local bands and performers and the beginning of a brand new era of endless craft brews, original live bands, and a public space where everyones welcome to hang out bear witness and be inspired and share in the nirvana in Troy of music, art, and every great collaborative thing in the Capital District but also those geniuses that do all that AND make it all possible like August Rosa, Shane Sanchez and John Olander.

    Do you remember Valentines? Upstate Artists Guild? Miss Mary’s art space?! These is all gonna just be distant memories that will only serve as footnotes to the story of the greatest venue ever begotten, NO FUN! Theys gonna be a mass exodus from Williamsburg, Green Point, Long Island City and all those other super concentrated hipsterdoms like Cleveland before Lester Bangs ruined it straight to the River Street area in downtown Troy once the Pint Size/No fun club opens up. And we gonna live upstairs and downstairs and next door, camp out on the front porch all lit up with kerosene and molly on planet k inside the in crowd out in the cold listening to the free music blasting over the whole fucking block and blowing us over into the gutters and crawl back to our beds so we can sleep enough to come back and do it all over again…

    Have you ever heard of CBGB’s? The Limelight? Lollapalooza? Woodstock?!!!! All just small steps building up to the coolest venue and greatest performances that ever were or shall be, NO FUN!!

    And now that you know some shit about some shit go forth and spread the word! (and of course if you want me to explain the legend of Brevator and how they made Daughters cry b/c they’d surpassed them in every way and Daughters got back at them by sabotaging their recording so no one’d ever know how fucking great they were I’m always around… hit me up man… I’ll probably be outside No Fun soon as it opens in like November maybe or I’ll just be hanging around there anyway…

    Yrs in rock y siempre, – MC THINK NOISE

    Fine Grain: the last long haired band that DOESNT play death metal

    “Who says just because we have long hair means we have to play a certain style of music?” asks Jake Dietrich, bass and vocals.

    “Well, no one. It’s just supposed to be a funny headline. It’s not even really you talking right now.”

    “What the fuck dude? You can’t just pretend you’re me for some joke that’s not even really funny in the first place!”

    Here they are, posed like Queen for some reason… also kinda like Live. Remember that band? Wtf did we ever see in them?

    “Yeah man, that’s pretty fucked up.” chimes in Zach Karpinski. “Wait, what did you say about ‘chiming’ there? I didn’t say anything! This is all you.”

    Despite the fact that the three guitarists/vocalists have beautiful long locks, the drummer has short hair. “Well yeah” says Kevin Bohen, lead guitar/background vocals; “drummers can have any hair they want. Haven’t you seen Spinal Tap?”

    “That shit would get in my eyes, get caught on the drum sticks, fuck up my playing. I mean, it doesn’t interfere with guitars, but drummers with long hair have a hard time. So fuck that” –Matt Hardin, drums.

    The band often makes use of their hair for comic effect. “Yeah, we do the whole headbanging in time thing, kinda like when we all raise our guitars together. You know, it’s that whole Molly Hatchet classic rock bullshit. We think it’s funny. And if you don’t… wait what am I saying, I thought I told you this isn’t even me” Zach interrupts; “No not Zach! It’s just you you asshole! I’m not saying any of this!”

    Despite their lack of agreeing to be interviewed by us because we didn’t ask (it’s funnier to us to put words into people’s mouths), Fine Grain is one of the if not THE best band currently terrorizing the Capital District. And definitely one of the best to come out in the past few years. The fact that they don’t take themselves too seriously means, hopefully, they’ll appreciate this article and not just kick my ass for posting this bullshit. Here’s a link to their latest video!

    -W. A. Wright

    Regarding the recent criticism of our critical reviews

    Times Boredom has been rightfully criticized for the past few months over the format of its reviews. The consensus is that all reviews contain far too much exposition (often taking 3 or 4 paragraphs to even begin to review the record) as well as adding far too many personal anecdotes and inside jokes that no one seems to understand.

    Therefore, as Editor In Chief, from now on I will be writing a foreword to every album review that contains both extraneous exposition and way more personal anecdotes and inside jokes. In addition, I may just ramble on about nothing in particular, so long as it has to do with music that is somehow related to the review in no other respect than that it is considered music.

    We don’t give a damn about our reputation. We work very hard to provide everything here to our readers completely free, and therefore believe we’re entitled to a little leeway in terms of how we do things here. We dance about architecture, and the artist (by which we mean the writer) is ALWAYS present and makes their presence KNOWN. Our apologies if this bores you; if you’ve read any of our other articles no doubt you’re aware that we are pretentious, artsy, old, and cantankerous. DJ THINK NOISE is not just a character to us. He embodies the spirit of our 5 year blog thingy. Also he’s my dad. Or my grandpa? My lineage is highly suspect ever since that situation in the steppes of Poland and Germany between the Himalayas and the Andes.

    That being said, I’m kidding. I won’t write pre-ambles to any review, however, I will encourage all of our writers to do so. Beware those of you that criticize the criticizers; we’re just the kind of ne’er do wells that will take that criticism as an invitation to make our prose even more unrecognizable and idiosyncratic, whether we lose readers or gain them (it’s all the same to our many advertisers that pay us gobs of money just to spiel our post-mersh bullshit all over the walls).

    If we were to defend ourselves, we’d begin by noting that very few, if any, of us are professional writers or ever have been. Our Chief Editor failed remedial english twice as a result of only reading byzantinely worded academic books from the 19th century and refusing the F. Scott Fitzgerald or Hemingway they were assigned. So writing, forthwith and the latter forgiving the alder, about Freud’s ignorance of the work of Piaget was judged to be autism in need of training if ever the student was able to communicate adequately through composition. I’m certain most of our other writers faced similar resistance to their non-conformist styles of putting words together to convey the inexpressible things they felt instead of words they were supposed to write as practice and demonstration of the ability to conform. (how pretentious).

    Thanks again for reading. We welcome all comments and submissions. Just remember, if we don’t like your album, we may get so hung up on an aside about an artist that influenced you we may not say anything negative at all and have been working on this so long that we just click ‘publish’ bc we’re tired of working so hard without remuneration.

    Send all recordings to timesboredom@gmail.com and we’ll put them on our shitlist of stuff to get to but fuck up and piss off the people we’re seeking to flatter. Stay tuned for a bunch more reviews, including the new record from Maggot Brain, Lone Phone Booth, and Asa Morris!

    yr pal,
    Scott Koenig, Editor In Chief, Times Boredom media and merchandising (buy our new wind up DJ THINK NOISE — says “you don’t know shit about shit!” over and over until its battery runs out!)

    Interview with ‘New Wave Power Couple’ Paul and Jennifer Maher Coleman of Architrave

    I (Kasrael) recently sat down 100 miles away from Paul and Jennifer Maher Coleman of Architrave and instant messaged an interview to/with them on the heels of the release of their recent powerhouse recording that has made the Quarantine much easier to get through for all of those fortunate enough to have a copy of the album. ‘This Perfect Day’ has been receiving rave reviews from both local and national zines, blogs, and even old fashioned newspapers.  In fact, there’s been so much praise that there would be nothing I could write that hasn’t been written way better by a dozen other professionals unlike myself.   And it’s so fucking hip the beautiful cover of the album is a photograph by famous local scenester Gary Ziroli of Mr. Cancelled, Thinner Friends, and honestly, the best photos I’ve ever seen that he just posts on Facebook for free (he even said I could use some for my band Fucking Christ’s album covers)!

    Suffice it to say, this album fucking rules.  And there’s nothing profound or even well written I could say about it that hasn’t already been said.  However, given my personal relationship with the Colemans due to my previous employment as their gardener (before they found out that giving me 20$ to mow their lawn would only make me go to Stewarts and buy tall boys and scratchers — i don’t even have hedge clippers much less a lawn mower!), I was able, unlike those ‘professionals’, to score an interview.  And here it is (and I really think I should mention what terrific sports they were no matter how dickish I got);

    archpplKasrael Sonin (TB): does architrave wanna do an interview for times Boredom

    Paul: Sure! But Jen is our authorized media representative (I shouldn’t be allowed to talk).  You can put that in your article.

    TB: I’m sorry are you the funny guy? no, I am.  And I think TB’s 7 readers might agree with me there. I decide what goes in.

    Paul: See. I shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

    TB: Ok before we get started I should warn you that this is my first interview for Times Boredom or, ever. I’ve been told that I’m surly, sarcastic, off topic, and I personally offend everyone I’ve ever spoken with. Unfortunately you’re stuck with me because the entire remainder of the Times Boredom staff is sick with genital warts. Especially Scott. His bleeding warts are the size of cockroaches. It’s disgusting and I wish he hadn’t described it to me in great detail. If you want to know more about it please ask.

    Jennifer: no paul no!

    TB: Ok then! First off, I hear that you’ve recently released a new album that’s getting rave reviews in the local press. Why?

    Paul: Please note that I was typing, but Jen stopped me.

    TB: It will be noted.  That and that you’re both taking twenty minutes to answer this question because you’re trying very hard to come up with a clever answer.

    Paul: Nah. I’m just sitting here eating carrots.

    Jennifer: Honestly I think people are looking for content right now, looking for things to write about if they’re writers. I happened to send them the album with the suggestion that they check it out and I bet they had time to do so. (but it’s also a pretty good album)

    TB: I also understand that you recently did a covid-19 alonecast from somewhere inside your house.

    Jennifer: If only we had thought to call it that

    Paul: Alone together….we are what they call a “pod”

    TB: Did that raise the troops spirits or did they just yell at you to get off the podcast and bring on the barenaked ladies?

    Paul: We did have a lot of confusion about who was “Shane” in our comment stream.  Also Barenaked Ladies suck.

    TB: Are you referring to Super Dark fudge pirate Shane?

    Paul: YES!

    TB: Also you like shitty music so you have no right to judge the super ground breaking Canadian powerhouse that STILL IS BNL.

    Jen: I thought you were referring to our kids… when I realized that they weren’t willing to dance in the background we just made sure they wouldn’t be home. They did a killer kid’s album

    91175560_3769245263148662_7205005426578948096_oTB: Speaking of dancing, do you consider yourself a dance group or a ‘white dance group’?

    Paul: I don’t really dance…that’s Jen’s territory

    Jen: guilty of being white and dancing I guess!

    Paul: I’m playing Candy Crush right now and I know that makes me something.

    (Note: Paul sucks at Candy Crush.  I am several hundred levels above him even though I keep giving him free lives and chocolate bombs and stuff)

    TB: Well then are you electro-clash or dark wave?

    Jen: A 10 year old girl

    TB: Trip hop or jungle?

    JEn: we’re using dark-wave this week

    TB: Proto sludge or powerviolence?

    Jen: oooh!

    TB: Ambient disco or smooth urban jazz? Quit stalling and answer the question!

    Paul: Black Twee

    Jen: vaporstep

    TB: I’m gonna go with vaporstep, because ive heard of dubstep. People at work used to call me idub because i hated dubstep so much.

    safe_image (2)

    Jen: were people playing alot of dubstep at your workplace?  that’s harrassment

    TB: I’ll ask the questions here m’am.  Which brings me to my next question, which is meant more for Paul. How do you make such decent music when you like indie landfill such as Kurt Vile and um, that other girl I hate that did an album with her… what’s her name??

    Paul: MAGIC

    TB: Parquet courts?

    Paul: Yep. I do like them.  I definitely have a thing for repetitive.

    Jen: in the case of Architrave, because I’m bossing him around

    TB: That does answer a lot Jen, but honestly, when you’re the head of the Vampire Weekend fan club as Paul has been for three non-consecutive terms, it’s a wonder he knows what a guitar is at all…    Real estate?

    Paul: Eh. On Real Estate

    TB: Thank god. at least you have some boundaries, as far into the landfill as they are.

    Paul: I like the first Vampire Weekend a bunch, but mostly because the production is crisp and not terribly “produced”.  Beyond that… eh.

    TB: Paul, please stop admitting to liking terrible, awful, garbage music. It’s not helping.

    Jen: We’re both Genesis superfans since childhood, how do you feel about that

    TB: Well, I thought that you couldn’t embarass yourself more than Paul already has, but admitting to that…

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    Jen: When you get to be my age it’s pretty hard to embarrass

    TB: Yeah, well, you should be embarassed.  I mean I love Jethro Tull but I’d never tell anyone. EVER.

    Jen: Oops…

    TB: And it’s not like Ian Anderson became a popstar.  Goddamn gimme some of that classic rock and roll on one leg with a flute in both hands pointed upward!

    Paul: My cousin is named Ian Anderson

    TB: No photos please. I’ll have to upload that and name it and it’ll be a whole thing.

    Paul: FACEBOOK: EXCISE PHOTO

    TB: So how white are you two? Do you have any ethnicity among you?

    Jen: Is Dutch or Irish ethnic?

    Paul: DUTCH/POLISH/IRISH

    Jen: Just… white

    TB: Wow. That’s about as ethnic as white bread with the crusts cut off.

    Paul: The dutch like to cut off their crusts

    TB: Do you think it’s wrong for white people to make dance music?  Let me rephrase: do you think it’s wrong for me to dance to your music?

    Paul: Wait for it

    Jen: my 23 and me revealed a touch of Ashkenazi jewish I guess

    TB: Well that makes a lot of sense. We all know how famous Jewish people are for their ability to dance.  Maybe we could hold you up in a chair or something.

    Jen: Will you dance in the background of our next livestream please?  Our kids won’t do it.

    TB: Only if you think I can dance. Because, you know, I don’t think I can dance, being an Ashkenazi Jew and all.  Can my dog dance instead?  She can high five and roll over.

    Jen: that counts, she’s in

    TB: Speaking of white bread, you’re currently based out of Ballston Spa. Why the fuck would you live there?

    Jen: I have no idea how i got here

    Paul: I do for me, but it involves my ex and Skidmore College.

    TB: Are either of you originally from someplace even remotely interesting?

    Jen: Chicago, New Jersey, Minnesota

    Paul: Latham! ! ! The original Capital District Circle!!!!

    safe_image

    TB: I’m gonna go with Jersey, because it’s the most interesting thing you’ve said all night.

    Jen: I came to albany for grad school

    TB: So why on earth did you stay?  If you had any interest in making music that is…

    Jen: I started DJing here and got entrenched.  There was a great scene back then for dance music

    Paul: Well…I left and lived in Boston for years…came back because of family stuff.

    TB: The only electronic dance group I can think of from here that ‘made it’, as in, they do interviews where they constantly name drop ‘miley cyrus’, and they’re pretentious twats is Charlie Everyone.  Why do you hate Phantogram so much?

    Paul: They refuse to introduce us to Miley.

    TB: Can I have some of your apple bread?

    Jen: All mine (because coronavirus)

    Paul: This is slowly turning into an Narduwar interview

    Jen: do you have presents for us??

    TB: Would you like to mention your sponsor?

    Paul: Superdark? My day job?

    Jen: Rebel Reserve

    Paul: Jen likes this shitty bourbon I once got. It burns.

    TB: I was told you had a 30 second spot about something you were getting paid to promote.

    Paul: Haha. We just got “commissioned” to sing happy birthday to someone’s mom.

    TB: Please don’t tell people about what I paid you to do to my mom.  You’re crossing the line of journalistic integrity…

    Paul: Judgment free zone here

    TB: Yeah well Robert Smith called and he wants his early recordings back.  And, um, New Order called and said, cheer up!

    Paul: Hahaha….funny you say that.  We’re working up a cover of Procession right now

    TB: We’re getting near the end here so I must remember to ask this all important question; if you had to, how many donuts do you think you could eat in an hour withOUT throwing up or getting diarrhea?  And I’m not talking like good fresh cider donuts or anything.  We’re talking three day old pink frosted Dunkin Donuts here.  Who btw the way is my sponsor.

    ddd

    AMERICA RUNS ON DUNKIN! (TM)

    Paul: In my younger days, I could have managed about 17.  Now…it’s more like 5.

    TB: Finally, ‘Disco Girl’ was a great fucking song, probably your best IMO. How come none of the songs on the new album ‘This Perfect Day’ sound like Disco Girl?

    maxresdefault

    Paul: Jen can’t answer right now because her daughter has never heard the F word.

    TB: Which f word?

    Paul: Finally

    TB: So what are Architrave’s plans for the coming post-apocalyptic future?

    Paul: Box of donuts.

    TB: Jen, do you have anything to add?  Like hopefully apple bread?

    Jen: marketing plain identical jumpsuits.  Apple bread 4 ever.  we definitely have to make a song called Disco Girl now

    Paul: Dedicated to Kasrael.

    TB: And I will absolutely hold you to that.  Thank you so much for having me in your lovely Covid19 telecommute. I must warn you that this conversation will be reworked to make it look like I made all the funny jokes and yall praised Times Boredom endlessly. If you get sick you have to tell me and then I’ll have to tell all of our readers, hopefully before this interview goes out.

    Jen: thank you!  We LOVE Times Boredom!

    Paul: A true pleasure! You’re a hilarious guy Kasrael!  I wish you were my dad, and Times Boredom was my Great Uncle!

    This concludes our interview. Please stay tuned for your regular 2 or 3 bad movies that are available to stream on all 5 or 6 internet streaming platforms right now despite the fact that we need mindless entertainment now more than ever! If you’re looking for mindless entertainment, download a copy of Architrave’s new record here on bandcamp and dont forget to pay them tons of money.

    Now if you both could pretend to keep chatting with me as the sound goes off and the camera begins to pan away, it would look very natural.

    Paul: [LOOKING NATURAL]

    Our endorsement for worst band of 2019: Scum Couch

    We know that several of you (as many as 3) are eagerly awaiting this year’s worst local bands issue. However, since we are a non-commercial organization that doesn’t give a fuck what our gigantic audience wants and would rather just make fun of them and ourselves, before we release the results of what some of you (we’ve gotten about 40 so far) think, we’re going to be the assholes we are and endorse who WE want to win.

    Friends, Capital District scenesters, college kids and graduates who will only be here for a few years and then move back to the City or hipsters moving on to Portland, the truth is, our area doesn’t deserve Scum Couch. The readers of this particular super-hip avant-garde underground blog aside, our region’s ‘rock’ music (for lack of a better or newer term, since we generally deal in ‘bands’ that play ‘guitars’ and ‘drums’ or ‘synths’ and ‘drum machines’) is defined by 3 general categories; straight/traditional punk and hardcore (tough guy music), indie rock/pop (artsy hipsters and intellectuals), and minor league corporate rock wannabes (3 martini state workers and divorced/separated parents just looking for ‘fun after work!’).

    This publication seeks to speak to a shadowy (though increasingly large thanks to a couple of local promotion companies that shall remain nameless — just kidding SUPERDARK SHOUTOUT!!!!) 4th group that is generally ignored by larger publications that actually make money (unless they’re friends or relatives of the writers or somehow got their attention the one night their music critic actually went out to see new bands). This group is a melange of rock, noise, experimentalism, and in general, original, unique, eclectic music creators and appreciators.

    0005878990_10And that is where Scum Couch, for the past year in particular, has outshined those of us that thought we were the coolest underground noise makers. Mark O’Brien, the talented genius behind Scum Couch, has a way of blending the most effective parts of the past 40 years of noise rock, experimentalism, improvisation, straight noise music and most likely a bunch of really intellectual academic John Cage type stuff (that we really don’t know that much about and have never honestly listened to ourselves b/c we really like to listen to stuff like the Beatles and Nirvana too much and come on, we’re just being honest here…) into something that is often transcendent, always entertaining, and unique as fuck.

    Everything Scum Couch records, though seemingly often entirely improvisational (much like the so-called lo-fi genre) is completely filled with only the specific sounds that are called for, the instrumentation that’s necessary, and the harsh, sarcastic and cynical vocals and lyrics that are called for to be appreciated by the disaffected, bored, and restless underground of the day that only seems to be growing further and further from commercial pop, never to be joined again.

    Furthermore, Scum Couch completely disabuses any listener of the notion that anything it creates could ever be or is in any way seeking to be generally popular or saleable. Perhaps the most important barometer for those of us that genuinely appreciate left field experimental music is; could this ever be co-opted? Could this ‘music’ ever be in a car commercial?

    Unless our entire society undergoes a completely radical transformation soon, the answer is, for Scum Couch, a definitive no. No to commercial co-optation. No to traditional band structure. No to traditional rock music or instrumentation. No to narrative structure, no to ballads, no to anything resembling what’s been on the radio in the United States throughout its history.

    a1879794086_10And yet the talent behind the project is unmistakeable. So many artist/musicians try to achieve a similar sound or record like, say, 2016’s ‘Weak Existence’ without anything near the level of success. This is noise. This is music. This is dreadful. Unlistenable. Brilliant.

    a2255135405_10And if there were any question of O’Brien’s self awareness as a talented anti-artist, anti-musician, which is often the highest definition of high art and pretention, his 2018 recording is titled ‘Contrived’, and the previous release of 2017 was titled ‘Ignorant Bore’. Both brilliant pieces of noise collages and challenging instrumentation that titles itself in a self-deprecating manner, knowing that all art and whatsoever be it called ‘serendipitous’, ‘improvizational’, back to Surrealist ‘escritures automatique’, dada’s ‘Exquisite Corpse’, Impressionism’s ‘En Plein Air’..

    Dammit Georges you Pretentious frenchman get the fuck out of here!

    frenchman

    “Aww-hhah hah!  I weel not apologizais! I weell take ma baguette and go, but you weell hear from mois aussi!  Je mean again! Allons Eee!”

    The point we were trying to make before we started sounding so much like pretentious twats even we needed to put an end to it (and that we think Mark O’Brian was with his title) is that anything that is said to be arrived at naturally and without artifice is a total lie. Everything that is put on the canvass or the record is, definitively, CONTRIVED.

    And with that, we realize that this entire article has become overly pretentious in our effusive praise of the avant-garde sounds of Scum Couch TM. So much so that instead of the kind of deadpan tawdry humor this publication trades in, we’ve written what appear to be the liner notes next to a painting for a graduate project in art history or a very poorly written draft piece for an application for New York Times art section writer. We had another 20 paragraphs on conceptual art and musique concrete, but we really don’t honestly understand much of that shit and just like to rock out with a little pseudo-intellectualism and pretention.  Not too much.

    Yeah, we suck. And so does Scum Couch. So much so, that, if we had our druthers, they would win the ‘worst local band’ award for 2019. Because they’re so fucking good it’s like they come from a completely different world than the Capital District, a world where tough guy hardcore doesn’t compete with college radio friendly indie pop and pseudo corporate rock for after hours state workers and normal radio listening parents for the biggest slice of the tiny live music going audience.

    Scum Couch isn’t looking for our vote. Scum Couch earned it. Long may they offend our ears, our tastes, and our notions of what ‘music’ is and should be! Long may they show a new generation of Capital District underground noise artists the way forward, a way without interest in monetary remuneration, a way without looking to be big and pretentious on the scene by standing on stage and pretending to be better than everyone by just looking at them instead of making music, a way of making intelligent music not out of a desire get laid (because they don’t play football or make enough money to go to Republican fundraisers), a blah blah blah blah blah we love you Scum Couch! Don’t ever change!

    Hopefully next week we’ll put together the results of our actual survey for worst local band and you’ll be happy to see YOUR band or whatever band YOU voted for. But today is for our pick Scum Couch, because we hold you all in contempt, because you can’t appreciate what’s right in front of you! We hate you all so much!

    Just kidding. We love our audience! See you next week when hopefully you’ll actually read!

    FYI this was actually a very difficult decision to make. White Devil and the 666 and Blood Blood Blood were being heavily considered for our endorsement, however, we’re guessing they did better in the larger poll and therefore wouldn’t want or appreciate our lame personal endorsements.

    And now, each of our writer/editors would like to make a personal note of appreciation for Scum Couch;

    1cScott Koenig: We love you! Stay cool! Stay cool forever!

    skoDJ THINK NOISE: Nobody else knows shit about shit!  You make us old timers and our deep, torturous, forgettable local history proud!

    Monty Cantsin: Art! Pretention! Artifice! Noise! Rock! Whatever it is you do, we love it! Keep on doing it!

    Stephen Connick: Have a gr8 summer!

    Nenee Tartaulus: I just came back to get my stuff. What’s going on here?

    Anatoly Petronin: I do not vote for you. Sirsy forever!

    Georges Robert: I geeve you stinky french kisses! Aw-hah haa!

    Errr, just as a note we had to invent some writers and add some new ones because most of our other writers from more famous areas of the scene/bands didn’t want to contribute cause they, are, uh, mad at us for not writing about their band. Ok they’re mad at us for writing about their band too much. And not being funny.  And sending them messages on Facebook late at night when we’ve drunk too much about how cool they are and why can’t we be that cool and what kind of pickups does your guitars have and can we be friends IRL at the mall tomorrow…

    Eternal Crimes officially changes their microgenre nomenclature for Saturday show’s flyer

    Note: this story was read but not edited back for fear that I’d get too deep into making the nonsensical structure try to make sense and be more clever than it actually is, thereby potentially derailing the article entirely and thus Times Boredom just published it as is in case you get a quick chuckle out of it without taking it at all seriously.  

    ecvFor some time now Eternal Crimes has been uncomfortable with their ‘post-punk’ genre label. Benefits of the label of course include its all encompassing nature, covering everything from Joy Division to the Fall and even onto the Birthday Party (i.e. early goth, early lo-fi, early noise rock, etc.).

    However, the label’s strength was also its weakness. Post punk was too broad to let people know that Eternal Crimes mixes elements of no wave, goblin vocals, darkwave, and even the still unlabelled unholy genre crossbreed of Gang of Four’s mix of post-punk with funk and dance music (that later came to be known as electro-clash when it was specifically in Brooklyn and before the massive decade long hangover that came to be known as post Yeah Yeah Yeah Strokes never really was even tongue in cheek good cool or funny but still with the fuckin kid who now I gotta support forever).

    ecSo in order to let people that were too lazy to look them up on bandcamp or facebook but might want to see them play a live show know what they were like, Eternal Crimes recently began the process to transfer their genre to something more appropriate.

    Several genres were kicked around, with a preference for ‘Death Rock’ finally being arrived at (for now). Death rock, if you’ll recall, is often associated with the Birthday Party and its adherents though it unfortunately frequently is also associated with garbage like Christian Death. And if we’re going to get pretentiously pedagogical here (as if we haven’t already) it will be noted that many took Death Rock as a genre way too far back to say, when the Shangrilas recorded the fantastic ‘Leader of the Pack’ seven inch penis which joined other early 60s rock phalluses that narrated a death story and/or scene (and that was a totally dumb exercise in futility. They shouldn’t have done that. But of course after tracing punk rock back to the early sixties now everyone does it with everything for fuck’s sake…)

    How Eternal Crimes got to finally become a Death Rock band is a fascinating story that involves as much sex, drugs, and death as you’d probably expect:

    Several years ago now, Eternal Crimes filled out Independent Rock form PR 43B. They were subsequently informed that they would have to fill out pre-43B form which was only available in certain temperate zones of post-California. After requesting a rewrite per procedures established under Hardcore v Emo 1987, a stay was remandered to the custody of the group in question under the relevant diatribes. A post-referral notice allowed Eternal Crimes to fill out PR 43B once more without harassment from the K Records division of influence over northeastern Australian Death punk. Whence a photo and press release were taken from evidence and labelled as such for individual members John Gill and Shane Michael Sanchez, Jr. it was revealed that lead singer Nico Jordan was specifically left out of said session as a result of his former time in cross-genre act Severe Severe. A motion to file was ensued, and in said time the sentence was added onto time served for the encryption resulting from aforementioned micro-labelling, hair product, and trouser length. Finally it was decided that in abatement of a rediscussion on Pitchfork Tapes Tapes Tapes and other giant conglomerate corporate Indie rock publication notices a notice would be served but not need to be notarized by a post-hardcore judge in normal guy attire. Once this was accomplished, it was a no scope bath trope towards indie landfill that saved the motion from being overwhelmed with potential darkwave or no wave status and thus rendered the verdict of the microgenre ‘Death Rock’ to stated group Eternal Crimes.

    And so it was that Eternal Crimes became, for the purpose of their latest gig flyer, a Death Rock band. Congratulations to the group and we look forward to receiving their public notice fees for change orders in the future!

    (c) Times Boredom is a fully licensed publicity entryway for micro-genre classification under the we don’t give a diy fuck anymore procedure of 2019

     

    The coming Times Boredom apocalypse!

    Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
    western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
    destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
    it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
    are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
    a friend, lyft, etc.

    Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
    Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
    from this tragic scene killing happening.

    Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

    But for now, a word from our sponsors!

    ————————————————————————————————————————–

    0009935449_10

    “Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
    great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
    sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
    chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
    brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

    sd

    “That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
    pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
    don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
    customers:”

    mr-cancelled

    “I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
    and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
    never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
    latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

    ygidbbb

    “I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
    and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
    didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
    last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
    treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
    influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
    with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

    dryers2“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
    Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
    your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
    chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

    —————————————————————————————————————————-

    frenchman“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
    stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
    ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
    it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
    sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

    hhh

    “E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
    if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

    “Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

    ————————————————————————————————————————————-

    1c

    “Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
    lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
    sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
    money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
    wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
    stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
    today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

    sko

    “DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
    Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
    where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
    thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
    smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
    straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
    the free weed.”

    720x405-jim-ward“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
    I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
    bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
    on)…”

    IanMacKaye

    “xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
    my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

    (water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

    “Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

    (laughter from all correspondents)

    “… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
    camera…”

    (further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)


    Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

    —————————————————————————————————————————————

    Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
    you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
    seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
    enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

    Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

    4de1d14547d581011c35822024817bc2.0

    But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
    to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
    the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
    where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
    is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
    that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
    roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
    appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
    for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
    super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
    clapping!

    Under their masks, Blood Blood Blood are actually the Olsen Twins!

    That’s right, you heard it here first!  The reason Troy experimental electronic noise duo Blood Blood Blood wear masks is to hide their true identities.

    bbb

    “We’d already conquered tv, movies, fashion design, and perfume lines, so we wanted to move into music.”  says Ashley Kate Olsen

    “Right, but we wanted to prove we could make it without just using our celebrity this time.  So we chose a really underground genre in a really unheard of place in Upstate New York to kickstart our career!” pipes in Mary Kate.  Or Michelle.  Whatever I don’t know their names.

    There’s further evidence that the twins, initially made famous by 4th wall breaking meta documentary television program Full House, have been thinking about this project for some time now.  We’ve uncovered alternate titles and covers for several of their films:

    bbb1bbbinthesunbbbhowthewestbbbdoube

    When asked if they would continue covering their true identities in their experimental noise duo, recently expanding from the Capital Region to New York City, they both emphatically stated:

    ygidbbb.png

    -Scott Koenig

    Superdark and Chateau Shows declare temporary ceasefire to work on three city solution

    On Friday morning the Super Dark Collective and Chateau shows put aside their differences to put on a kickass show at the Savoy Taproom in Albany.

    The temporary ceasefire was declared as rebel Chateauans regained territories in the Albany province of the Capital District.  Meanwhile, survivors of the super fudge massacre dug in and tried to reclaim their stranglehold on Saratoga.  Troy remains contested territory.

    flyWhen asked for comment, Christopher Brown of the Super Dark Collective stated:

    sd

    “What?  What the fuck are you talking about?  We’re not fighting.  The Chateau show guys are really cool.  We were never fighting!  You’re nuts dude.”

    Dan Paoletti of Chateau shows similarly remarked:

    “Who the fuck are you?  Are you that asshole from that band Fucking Christ that goes around saying how great they are and messages me constantly on facebook asking for shows and money and drugs?  What’s wrong with you?  Why do you make up this weird shit?”

    This reporter attempted to attend the peaceful ceasefire show but couldn’t find parking around Lark Street in Albany.  Instead he went home, and, upon finding there was absolutely nothing worth streaming on netflix, hulu, or amazon prime got drunk and wrote a dumb article.  He also very much enjoyed i feel ok’s latest album on bandcamp and is considering purchasing it.  If you want to give him a ride to the show there’s still time to email him at timesboredom@gmail.com.  Or message him on facebook and harass him like he does to everyone else.