We didn’t have time to interview THE MACHINE THAT WOULDN’T DIE before their tour, so we made one up

We were looking to interview Troy Agitprop costumed DIY punks The Machine that Wouldn’t Die before their tour this weekend of the Capital Region, but we couldn’t get in contact with them in time and we also didn’t try cause we’re really lazy. Plus we thought it would be way funnier if we just pretended to be them and skipped all the inevitable exposition.

tmtwdTB: So, Scott standing in for the the Machine that Wouldn’t Die, what would you say your music is?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: Interesting interesting. A lot has been made of the costumes you wear on stage. Did you make them yourselves?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: Well if you think that will change politics, at least at the local level, of course no one could be against that.

SK (for TMTWD): DIY Punk rock.

TB: I’m sorry; I didn’t get that?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

TB: I see. Don’t you think that’s unusual for a band your age?

SK (for TMTWD): Theater arts.

TB: A lot has been made of your so called ‘dissertation’ on the use of machinery to describe the takeover of the very fabric of reality by the technology we use and have used in the past that continues to generate different realities for different people, yet still somehow form a cohesive zeitgeist.

SK (for TMTWD): Do you have a question?

TB: Haha you got me there. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

SK (for TMTWD): College.

tmtwd2Well there you have it. If you’re not blown away by their agitprop performance art or their music, their intellectual agenda has to at least make you think hard and deep. They’re playing tonight at the Arts Center of the Capital Region with Saratoga Hawaiian vampires Dryer (some of whom work at a college) and Grimey Landfill Sludge band Che Guevara T-Shirt. They continue their tour tomorrow at Pauly’s Hotel in Albany with out of town yet locally loved performance art duo Home Body (also from college) and Troy synth rock mainstays Haley Moley (some of whom work at a college). Both shows are being put on by the inimitable 0009935449_10Collective. Both shows are welcome to people that are in college, have been to college, or haven’t been to college. They will be enjoyable to all that people that enjoy being entertained.

Girth control is the funniest band ever

FUCKING EVER. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN THIS FUNNY!  FUCKING SRSLY!

Ok well maybe in the heyday of funny fun punk rock like the Descendants when they were on SST but BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! BEFORE FAT WRECK-CHORDS! That shit took it TOO FAR and it just wasn’t funny after a while and then it’s in the Base-Ket-Ball movie with the South Park guys and stripping cheerleaders and probably Blink 182 is involved and HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET HERE? Ok well some of that was funny and yeah that movie was fuckin funny but in general it’s just that, well, is it art?

GIRTH CONTROL HAS THE ANSWER:

WE’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE ART!

WE’RE IN IT FOR THE FUN!

WE’RE IN IT TO GET DRUNK!

AND SING SONGS SHORT AND FAST AND DUMB!

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Albany hasn’t had a really genuinely funny punk rock/ska band around here in some time, and Girth Control is filling the hole so much (SO FUCKING MUCH WITH SO MUCH FUCKING GIRTH!) that legendary scenesters like Sarah Winner and Ralph Renna (who they wrote a song about to thank) have taken notice and are behind them hundred percent brah!

SO GO SEE THEM TONIGHT AT THE LOW BEAT AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF! OR WE WILL FUCKING KILL YOUR CATS WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE READING THIS BECAUSE WE CAN SEE YOUR IP IF YOU DONT GO TO THE SHOW WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOUR CATS FOR NOT SEEING THE FUNNIEST BAND EVER AND THEN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS BETTER WATCH OUT WE MEAN IT!! SRSLY!!!

Ok if you go to their bandcamp page and download their newest funniest fuckin record ever Shorter Faster Dumber we’ll let you slide this time but we better see YOUR FUCKIN PICTURE UP THERE SUPPORTIN THEM IT’S ONLY LIKE $5 YOU CHEAP BASTARDS OR YOUR CAT’S DEAD YOU FUCKIN HEAR ME?  NOT NOT DEAD DEAD NOT DEAD FUCKING! DEAD! CAT! IN! BOX!

Quantum phyics proof dooders.  Funniest band ever.

10 Worst Local Bands of 2017!

Well it’s finally here, the issue everyone’s been waiting for! Our worst of list for 2015! No wait, we missed a few years … 2017! (and yeah we’re later then tax day, but fuck you it’s our site and we’ll write whatever dumb shit we want whenever we want and there’s nothing you can do about it go complain to a ‘legitimate’ publication if you don’t like it)

Please be advised that this list isn’t personal at all. All entries were based entirely on voting by the Times Boredom community as a whole and every vote was counted equally. All comments and reasons are based on merits and talents of bands and nothing else. (All hotlinks (click on the colored band names dummy!) are to bandcamp pages so you can judge for your damn self; I’m gettin real sick of music sites that don’t give you a way to actually hear the music but just fuckin dance about architecture instead — and yeah I spent more than 10 minutes with all the links and pictures and whatnot on this article so fucking read the whole thing not just the part about your favorite shitty band this time!).

Finally, if your band wasn’t mentioned here I guess you just didn’t suck enough last year. Wanna fight about it? E-mail me at scottkoenig2@gmail.com.

10. Asa Morris and the Mess — motherfucking lead singer moved to Florida. Florida!  RIP.

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9. No More Death Stars — I wrote a bunch of blurbs for the flyer for their show and I didn’t even get in for free nor get a free beer.

8. Haunted Cat — they keep teasing us with tracks from their album, and they won’t release physical copies until their show in May! And considering they boast being alumni of Complicated Shirt, John Rifle, Tuff, Sesame Plexer, and the Tender Breasts, you know this shit gonna be outta site. I’m sick of waiting.hc

7. Che Guevara T-Shirt — the lead singer is a cranky, fat, bald asshole and their new album only sold 6 copies (which is their best selling album ever) — despite the fact that half the band died in the making of it (the cover is a picture of one of the dead ones!) Losers.

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6. Sun Natives — still too fuckin cool.

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5. Dryer — 25 years old and still rockin steady regardless of every setback and hurdle that’s come their way. I wanna be them when I grow up. Or Brent Gorton. But he’d probably be pissed if I mentioned him (like the time he kicked J. Eric Smith from Metroland’s ass cause he didn’t like what he said about him and that guy was a fuckin Marine or something) so I’m gonna stay away from that powder keg.  I mean… um, yeah!  Dryer!

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4. Comrade Nixon — not even local! Yet they keep invading the capital district and blowing everyone away. And the lead guy was interviewed in a really important publication so lots of people will read this list if they’re mentioned.  Damned immigrants. Next time I see them I’m gonna buy them a beer.

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3. Candy Ambulance — Caitlyn won’t give me her phone number. Well ok, also they’re always on tour and hardly play locally anymore. So it’s more difficult to keep bugging Caitlyn to give me her phone number. We miss you…

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2. Moon Worship — I’m scared of these guys. I shouldn’t put them on this list. Now I’m scared of what I done. Please don’t flay me Moon Worship?  Go see or listen to them at your own peril and doom…

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1. Hill Haints — not fair. Always great live, recently put out a fantastic new ep, totally nice guys, seems there’s nothing not awesome about this band. What’s their angle? Nobody’s this good and this cool without an ulterior motive. Times Boredom is on to the Hill Haints!

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Super Dark to announce IPO

The Saratoga Springs based production company, media enterprise, promotions firm, booking agent, record label, etc. known as ‘Super Dark’ collective has announced that it has attained enough fame and financial success to formally go public within the next year.

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Begun in 2013, the original aim of the company was to make exceedingly fudgey brownies. “Well, we looked at the capital district market for baked goods and just thought it was all too light and fluffy. There were blondies, cookies, cake brownies, angel food, etc.” says Super Dark founder Shane Sanchez. “None of them were dark enough for our tastes. Hence ‘super dark’ collective.”

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“However, we quickly realized that Sweet Sue ran the baked goods racket in this town with an iron fist. We knew we couldn’t compete, so we decided to just do what every Fortune 500 company that started in the 21st century did; promote local rock music!”

Ever since, the Super Dark label has made its mark everywhere there’s independent music in the Capital District and beyond. Every band from Saratoga and Glens Falls that’s sold a over a hundred thousand records in the past year are owned, represented, booked, and/or promoted by the Super Dark collective. The most recent enterprise of this financial juggernaut is a radio show, sure to become a radio station in no time at all.

“Before Super Dark, there was music in the Capital District;” says local pervert Scott Koenig, “it’s just that no one knew about it. Super Dark found a way to publicize and support local music in a way that no one since, well… I was gonna say Metroland or the Alt but they both totally sucked at promoting good music… ever has done before. And to make millions doing it!”

Don’t forget to call your broker and put a buy order in for Super Dark Collective Stock (NASDAQ symbol: SDCS) as soon as it’s available!

Sun Natives too fuckin cool

facebook_1507910145204Sun Natives — who are they and how’d they get so fuckin cool?

Local government planner/ killer of rock music Grendel Moses is concerned about new Albany rock band Sun Natives. “I don’t like the looks of em.  They look good, they sound good, they play this beautifully textured ambient psychedelic soundscape with a minimum of pretention, and now they’ve got this adorable new female singer.  Worse yet, they’re so fuckin mysterious and cool!  Where did they come from?  I told my people I need all the info they can gather on this band so we can stop them from getting people to come out to see their frankly excellent look and sound.”

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Old Coot DJ Think Noise is also concerned; “So I’m sittin there with all my old buds debating the structions versus the brevators, and these fuckin kids with their glassy eyes just plug in their guitars and start playing” says old coot DJ Think Noise.  “And they just blow us all away.  It’s not fair that these guys came out of nowhere, nobody knows them, they haven’t been around for 20 years, and they rule.  They need to be stopped!”

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Experts struggle to interpret statements from Governor Cuomo

Professors of political science, grammar, diction, cognitive science and a whole host of other disciplines have recently completely abandoned trying to understand statements from President Donald Trump.  Instead, they are moving on to other powerful politicians such as Governor Andrew Cuomo who they feel will be much easier to understand.  However, so far they’re still having lots of trouble.

“It was simply too difficult.” says Professor Emeritus of cognitive science at SUNY Albany Jane Loftus of interpreting Trumpspeak.  “We ran his statements through all kinds of algorithms, simulators, conducted focus groups, and even used recently developed EEG’s of how heuristics analysis of damaged brain waves may cause someone to say something that sounds like nonsense but has actual meaning to their mind, and no dice.  Trump speak is uninterpretable.”

Most academics, like Dr. Loftus, have therefore moved on to analyzing more local politicians, but it turns out there are similar issues there as well.

“So we took New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo to try to start with something easy, as he’s been an outspoken critic of many of Trump’s vague statements and policy positions, as far as he can interpret them.  Turns out Cuomo’s statements are almost equally unintelligible.  Take for instance a quote from a recent statement by Governor Cuomo:

“What this says is the case was not legal. It was overturned because it was not legal. So, if you’re using the legal system to quote-unquote reform government, you have to do it legally.

But there’s no question that the effort to reform government and clean up Albany and change the rules, that’s exactly right.”

That last sentence alone caused our computers to crash.”

But there may be hope yet.  Dr. Loftus has informed us that she plans to collaborate with Political Science Professor Stephen Koenig from the University at Buffalo who has some controversial theories on what he calls ‘Politspeak’.

“Essentially, politicians of the past 20 years or so no longer speak what you and I would commonly refer to as English.  Much like the much discredited though in my opinion valid E-bonics language, in order to survive and communicate as a politician you learn a completely different language that uses some English words in nonsensical and grammatically incorrect ways to convey your points.  I ran the Cuomo statement through my algorithm and came up with the following translation;

“The recent legal decision to overturn the Skelos conviction was based on a corrupt system of justice whereby as long as corrupt actions can somehow get around being illegal by using legalese no one but corrupt, rich lawyers can understand, they cannot be prosecuted.  Of course I don’t want to say this directly or formally so I have to couch my words in complete nonsense.  Especially since you’re putting me on the spot here. Prevarication, something that sounds like something but actually means nothing, etc.

Also I want to mention that me and my cronies are still pretending to reform the corrupt system from which we benefit so much.  So the take away here is that I will continue to pretend to try to change the fact that fucked up illegal shit by rich politicians and politically connected people doesn’t have any legal consequences. But honestly I don’t want to talk shit about my good buddies who did that fucked up shit and totally got mad paid and totally got away with it.  That’s actually fuckin cool with me.”

The Times Union officially announces it hates teachers

The Times Union recently posted a story blaming New York States’ teachers for its many fiscal woes.

UntitledThey based this story on a study conducted jointly by Satan and the Koch brothers’ research organization known as “Fuck the working and middle class and give us their money”.

“Our research found that there is no problem paying administrators like our friends Joe 1 million dollars to do absolutely nothing but harass hard working teachers.  In fact, our data-y statisticals convincingly proved everyone that actual teachers suck and get paid way too much and that’s why your taxes are so high.

We further proved by talking to our friend Joe in Administration that teachers statistically speaking are jerks and are ruining your children’s lives and you should pay those assholes less than minimum wage and me more (Joe, 2017). ”

Despite the sketchy background of the not for profit research organization that receives more in tax breaks than it costs to pay several thousand teachers, the Times Union saw fit to bolster their claims by posting an article with headlines concluding that their research was ‘truth’.

“Fuck the middle class and the working class and give us their money is a reputable research organization according to our CEO Joe.  Also, the Times Union would like to reinstate its opinions that all Unions everywhere are terrible and we’re glad we fired ours and any organization that still has a Union is scientificistally and researchably more expensive and kills your children (Joe, 2017). “