Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
a friend, lyft, etc.

Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
from this tragic scene killing happening.

Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

But for now, a word from our sponsors!

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“Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

“That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
customers:”

“I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

“I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

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“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

“E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

“Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

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“Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

“DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
the free weed.”

“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
on)…”

“xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

(water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

“Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

(laughter from all correspondents)

“… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
camera…”

(further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)

---

Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

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Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
clapping!