Local pervert Scott Koenig spent last Friday night (as usual) stalking Candy Ambulance frontwoman Caitlin Barker at her favorite local rock club.

“She routinely picks up dudes here, and I’m just hoping one of these times she’ll be drunk enough to pick me. Usually she tends to go for dudes that are good looking, under 40, and not really fat though.”

But this past Friday night things got very serious when he overheard her spilling some terrifying gossip to a young male model looking dude. Granted he didn’t hear very well between her drunken slurred speech, the loud rock music, and the fact that he was trying to maintain his stalking distance, but here’s what he made out:

“That band Che Guevara T-Shirt has a big secret… and it’s not what you’re expecting…”

                                                                     Che Guevara T-Shirt; what are they hiding?!

Male model looking dude: “who the fuck are Che Guevara T-Shirt?”

“I can’t let on exactly what I know… it’s killing me to keep this inside… desperate… have to tell someone…”

“No seriously who the fuck is..”

“Shhh, we don’t have much time and we may not be safe talking about it. I’m telling you, this thing goes all the way to the fucking top, man! You know how CGT is unheard of here in the US and their shows are completely unattended, but for some reason they have thousands of fans in India, Pakistan, and the Middle East? No coincidence man! The U.S. military…”

(music gets louder and Scott can barely hear)

“counterintelligence sleeper agents… semi-legal extraditions for drug cartel bosses in exchange for… reverse honeypot schemes… classic backhanded espionage misdirection and… oh god, there’s Keith! Don’t look! Quick, we have to get out of here!”

Ms. Barker has not been seen in public since this incident.

However, we have it on good authority here at Times Boredom that all will be revealed by CGT themselves at Pauly’s Hotel on June 9th, followed shortly by another Superdark announcement for Capital District north in Saratoga at One Caroline’s June 12th. You’ll have to go to hear it for yourselves. And it just might save you and your children’s lives!

Local pervert Scott Koenig was disappointed to see Glens Falls pop punk band Candy Ambulance with their clothes on last Thursday at the Low Beat. He sat down to interview lead singer/guitarist Caitlin Barker on this issue after the show.

CB: “To be frank Scott, we saw you in the audience. And, well, you make us very uncomfortable. So we made a collective decision to keep all our clothes on.  Even after we got really sweaty.”

SK: “What do you mean? How do I make you uncomfortable.”

CB: “I’m up here Scott. Scott… Scott! Stop staring at my boobs! That’s what I mean!”

SK: “Oh. I get it. Can I still look at Jesse’s pecks?”

CB: “Wow. You are such a fucking creep. I’m gonna go… talk to someone else now.”

The rest of the crowd at the show went wild and enjoyed the high energy punk rock band’s songs and antics (regardless of the amount of clothing worn) immensely. A good time was had by all other than sad old perverted Scott.

“These young cap dist punks don’t know shit about shit.” asserts cantankerous old fart DJ Think Noise, in what’s becoming a catchphrase of his regarding everyone and everything.

“Gay Tastee started it all! There was nothin in Albany till our very own Bob Dylan singin like Johnny Rotten broke the scene when he brought Beef up from Kinderhook.”

TB: “I believe there was music in Albany before that…”

“Now you shut yr trap and listen to wizard THINK NOISE here! Now lemme see, it was about 97 I first saw Stephen. This was before the war you see. Beef played this old club called Valentines you never heard of, and after that all the grass in Albany music was green for years!

I remember cause I brought your grandma to all those shows and man did her pussy stink like a pig in shit! But the songwriting was great, the rockin was a rockin, the kids were all a boogyin…

After Beef broke up, around came Paraquat Earth Band, the Wasted, Stephen’s alter ego Gay Tastee, and every other great noisey rockin band cap dist ever heard! If it hadn’t been for Gay Tastee, you wouldn’t have your Phantogram, your Lady Goo goo, or your Beyonce and everyone oughtta know it.”

…Think Noise goes on like this for another hour.

Irregardless of this schizophrenic rant, Times Boredom agrees that Gay Tastee, aka Stephen Gaylord, heralded and inspired an excellent melange of a noisey rock scene years ago. And he’ll be back for a brief performance this afternoon. Happy hour at the Low Beat.

“If you miss it you won’t know yr history, you won’t know what all the good shit round here was inspired by, and you still won’t know shit about shit!”

Atlanta, Georgia based noise-rockers Whores. will likely travel all the way to Albany to be in attendance Saturday night at Pauly’s Hotel for a Che Guevara T-Shirt show. Rumor has it that CGT was surprisingly given a guest list, and, not knowing what to do with it since they don’t have any fans, requested the names of the members of the loud as fuck Atlanta band.

“Well yeah, I guess we’ll go. I mean if it’s free and shit.” claimed lead singer-guitarist Christian Lembach.

“I’m actually pretty psyched to see Where’s Walden and OrborO. I hear they both rule. And I’ll thank Che Guevara T-Shirt for putting us on the guest list.” chimes in drummer Donnie Adkinson.

“Yeah, even though as a band, Che Guevara T-Shirt really sucks.” puts in bass guitarist Casey Maxwell. The other two band members nod in agreement.

“First time I saw Girls of Porn was at UAG. There was this really cute girl there that seemed really into it. I later hit on her and we totally hooked up. It was awesome.” recalls random drunk Scott Koenig.

TB: “What did you think of the band?”

“Uh… I don’t really remember. I know they were good enough to bring out the ladies though; there must have been at least 4 or 5 single women at that show! And I’m talking single; not dating the band, not married to some guy that likes the band, you know.”

TB: “Were you aware they recently reunited and played a show?”

“Oh yeah. I was totally there. But I found out the chick I met at the last show has since moved away so I didn’t get to hook up with her again. Pretty disappointed.”

The band that’s famous for playing balls to the wall noisey rockin 2 or 3 song fifteen minute sets now plans to break with tradition and play unbearably long rock operas with no improv or noise rock whatsoever.

“We got tired of all that progressive artsy post-punk stuff.” claims singer/guitarist E.S. Cormac. “I mean, the other bands and cool kids in the music scene really appreciated us, and it was artistically gratifying, but what we really want is to dress up and make some money.”

Hill Haints plan to fill their future shows with multiple costume changes, set designs, beautiful soaring harmonies and mutliple melodic guitar solos in the vein of art-rockers like Styx and Damn Yankees (member Damn Yankees?).

Albany, that drinking town with a government day-job problem, missed another great show last night. The Hill Haints kicked out the jams (as always) and intriguingly eclectic Buffalo band Facility Men brought down the house. An ear blastingly rock time was had by all who attended.

Albany, as usual, got too drunk and didn’t make it.

“I’s lookins sthrough my facebook and just got so sad about the Indians (hiccup). I mean, America’s sthreatening to do to them what they’ve done to every other poor place in the country… (hiccup)… and sen everybody keeps going there on the facebook (hiccup) to upport sem against the facebook sheriff or whasever …(hiccup) and then they still lose the baseball!”

At this point Albany pauses and sobs a little, then closes its eyes for about five minutes while standing up.

“Scusem me, I gotta go file these folders about tosic waste in sa wrong drawer.”

Fear not Albany, luckily you can go on the facebook and see a couple songs from the show, faithfully recorded (as usual) by and on the page of our fearless promoter par excellence Jason Krak. And this after he just put on a huge kickass festival last weekend with bands and costumes and burlesque dancers and wings. Mad props to the MC in the Bad Brains T!

“So there I am enjoying another Naragansett on like a Tuesday night at the Low Beat, and all the cool kids show up to ruin it.” claims old coot DJ Think Noise. “And I mean all the cool kids. There was at least one member of every hipster indie band I hate there; the Che Guevara T-Shirts, the Black Ships, the Hill Haints, the Bare Mattresses, even the old Complicated Shirts! And I think to myself, what the fuck? Is some dude from Pearl Jam playin or some shit?”

DJ Think Noise’s ignorance of indie rock is no excuse for us to fail to report objectively as we always do. A dude from Pearl Jam it was not. It was Neil Haggerty’s new band, who every media outlet that announced the show was obliged mention  (for those of you that weren’t cool enough to already know) was formerly in seminal bands Pussy Galore and Royal Trux. Have you ever heard of them? Neither had we. I guess we’re not as cool as all the bands we make fun of.

“So this dude from Nirvana starts playin this song and I’m like, ah hell this ain’t so bad. Then he starts soloing and he just don’t stop. And the other guy in the band just starts soloing too. And if that ain’t bad enough, I look over and realize he’s whipped it out! His hands are on his guitar and his free willy, and no one seems to care! Then this asshole keeps it up, just noodlin and jerkin and staring dead-eyed ahead and sayin ‘we da howlin hex!’. What a bunch of bullshit. Meantime all the cool kids are eatin it up cause he used to be in Third Eye Blind or whatever. Fuckin circle jerk tone deaf old hipster assholes.”