“I been e-mailing this punk kid Scott about his stupid blog, and tellin him how much shit he gets wrong.” says crotchety old scenester ‘DJ Think Noise’.

“So finally he asks for some background on this band he’s never heard of but likes called Burnt Hills, and I give that ignorant sumfabitch the real low down.”

“I first approached Jackson (Wingate) about forming a noise guitar supergroup nar twenty years back. This was after Paraquat Earth band broke up, and I says to him why don’t we form a band with these kids from The Wasted and Lincoln Money Shot and Jamboyz an other young whippersnappin noisemakers?

“Course I made the first seven inch Jackson released on Flipped Out Records (though back then bein a DJ was too avante garde), so Jackson says ‘yeah Think, let’s get this shit together and make history. We gonna be bigger than the Figgs!’ Then he cuts me out of the band, pretty soon he cuts the other guys out and keeps changing the lineup Built to Spill style. You ever heard of Built to Spill? Course not, long before your time.

“Point is, whole thing was my idea. And this little punk Scott, can’t be more ‘n 23-24, don’t know shit about shit even though he’s the one everyone’s reading. So I tell him, you let me tell it like it is. I’ll learn you know-nothing kids.”

When asked for comment, Burnt Hills band leader Jackson states; “I have no fucking clue who ‘DJ Think Noise’ is. Never heard of or seen this guy in my life.”

DJ Think Noise retorts by asserting: “I need a ride to the VA. My niece says she’s gonna stop by with some cigarettes and scratchoffs today. I think it’s my birthday.”

Local musician Scott Koenig is furious that his fake blog is the most significant thing he’s ever done.

“I’ve been playing in bands around the area, writing music, rehearsing, performing, and touring for over twenty years now. But making fun of my peers; this is what people pay attention to? That’s fucked up dude.

“In the first few weeks alone I’ve gotten thousands of hits. Meanwhile my band Fucking Christ’s new album on Bandcamp has gotten 2 downloads. And we have 5 band members!

So why is Koenig so pissed off about making people happy? What kind of asshole would..

“I’ve been around man. I started off in a band from Schenectady called Brown Cuts Neighbors. They kicked me out cause I wore a koala mask, and they thought that was just ‘too weird’.

“Next I moved to Saratoga to join Dryer, but I quit once it became apparent that Hawaiian vampire Bob Carlton only wanted a second guitarist to drink my blood when he needed a boost.

“In the early 2000s I joined Complicated Shirt, only to get booted for being too ‘1980’s punk not mid-seventies’.

“A few years later I was in Che Guevara T-Shirt for a brief spell, but I was kicked out cause I was ‘too good looking’ and ‘attracting girls to the shows’.

“Then I was in Casa Sleep (later rechristened Bare Mattress), but couldn’t keep up with the grueling 8 nights a week performing schedule.

“Moon Worship kicked me out for ‘bringing down their peppy jangle vibe’.

“Next was Black Ships. I’m one of the guys in the gas masks in the photo. But I wouldn’t pony up the dough to pay the mall studio photo fee.

“I didn’t even make it past audition for Further Unsound. They told me my ‘bass note progression was more of a mixolydian while we’re typically running an E-Minor cycle and also, you suck.’

“Most recently I got kicked out of Candy Ambulance for constantly ogling the bass player. Whatever dude. If he doesn’t want me drooling over his pecks, he shouldn’t take his shirt off.”

When asked why he can’t just be happy that people think his blog is funny, he responds;

“I’m just trying to forward the punk cause man, which means stealing the time machine before George Carlin gets it and assasinating The Jam before they ruin punk rock. Also Jefferson Airplane. I really fuckin hate Jefferson Airplane. I mean ‘Marconi plays the mambo, listen to the radio’? What the fuck does that even mean?”

Alternative indie-rock band Dryer began their show last Saturday at the Putnam Den (which has the BEST sound in the area and should totally book my band) amiably as usual, but devolved into the all too frequent scene of utter mayhem and destruction the band’s become famous for lately.

After finishing their song ‘gonna beat all yall motherfuckers to death with a garden hoe’, singer/bass player Rachel Sunday announced: “I just want to thank all of you for coming out tonight, and to let you know how fabulous I’m feeling.”

“Well you may feel fabulous, but everyone knows that I look and sound fabulous.” retorted singer/guitarist Bob Carlton.

“Yeah whatever Bob. We all know that we nearly got signed to Atlantic because of how fucking fabulous I am.”

“Bullshit. We got signed because they found out I was a Hawaiian vampire!”

At this point drummer Joel Lilley pipes up from behind “There can only be one super fabulous member of this band, and we all know that’s me!”

“Shut the fuck up and play some music ya wankers!” comes a shout from the audience.

“Fuck you xxSteve! I knew I should’ve killed you when I shot you over a decade ago! I WILL DRINK YOUR POI!”

At this point everyone knows what’s going to happen next.

In an all too familiar scene, Lilley cracks the sticks and blasts into a break beat with his double kick drums to set the scene for a rumble. Carlton springs off the stage, wielding his guitar like an axe, hacking, breaking, bruising, biting. Sunday tilts her bass guitar like a lance, and spears at least 2 fans in the first run through. Utter chaos and carnage follow.

By the end of the night, 7 are dead and scores injured. The Putnam Den is in shambles, and all the liquor has been drank, stolen or broken. A good time is had by all.

Complicated Shirt recently went on a most excellent adventure to prove they were the most authentically retro band ever. It was a tortuous route with some bogus detours, but it finally paid off.

“When we started this band we had one goal in mind; to become the most authentic band in the 21st century to sound like a mid nineties band that sounded like a late seventies punk rock band. Then we retrogressed further to an early nineties band that sounded like a mid seventies NYC proto-punk band.” claims Complicated Shirt lead singer/guitarist Drew Benton.

“So when Bare Mattress came out with his retro 80s dance pop casette, we were like, we got this. We’ll put out a vinyl record of our retro NYC 70s punk rock. But then we thought, that’s not far enough! What was the coolest retro thing to do in the mid-nineties? Put out a vinyl record. So we needed to be before that, say in the early nineties. But a proto-punk NYC record? That would need to be released before the Ramones in 76; before Marquee Moon and Blank Generation in 77.

“So the first thing we did was went back to the future, to steal the time machine from George Carlin before he gave it to Bill and Ted. Next, we took all the copies of our new record ‘This’ to the Village and St Mark’s Place in ’75 and snuck them on the shelves. Then of course we took a short detour to assasinate Billy Idol and thereby save punk rock. Not killing Billy Idol would be like not killing Hitler. Duh.

“When we got back, there were no extant copies of our record anywhere, but we’d been reviewed in Sniffin’ Glue magazine! Which means we are, definitively, the coolest most underground band EVER…

“Either that or it was all a dream and I still have a bunch of the new records. If you want to buy one e-mail me or go to Last Vestige.”

Local witchdoom band Fucking Christ refused to go on following immensely proficient local band the Further Unsound.

“Seriously, that guitarist (Matt Malone) is off the charts. He starts by playing a bunch of heavy metal arpeggioes while stomping around the stage; his fingers are so fast I can’t even see them. Then he seamlessly blends into chords and song structures and without losing a breath segues into this funky punk groove, all the while not even looking at his hands!” shouted Fucking Christ frontman Koenig, clearly intimidated.

“Meanwhile the drummer (Sean Cranston) follows every seemingly whimsical change with alert precision, kicking off these mad syncopated shots behind, and then, get this, out of nowhere he starts singing while keeping the beat in this bombastic contralto voice!”

When asked whether he thinks the Further Unsound will usher in a new era of massively talented bands in the Capital District, Koenig asserts: “Fuck. I sure hope not. I’ve been playing in bands that can barely hold their instruments for a long time and we’ve been doing pretty well. But after seeing that shit, I’m afraid we talentless hacks might have to fold up shop.”

Local post-post-rock post-indie pre-math hopeless slo-fi noisey prog sludge band Che Guevara T-Shirt were shocked and dismayed over the turnout at their show last Friday night.

“After over a decade of playing locally, we’ve managed to alienate everyone but a few of our personal friends from coming to our shows. We even personally greet the revolving cast of Dave, Justin, Kevin, Aaron, and/or Hans, provided they don’t leave before we play. Which they usually do.” claimed lead singer k. Sonin.

“But last Friday there was an extra person there, and it was actually a female!” asserted local gynephobe Sonin. “Hey, what did you just write about me there? Did you write that I’m afraid of girls?” asks local misogynist k. Sonin. “Dude, not cool. We’re still getting over that Metroland article from 5 years ago that said we were post-3rd wave anti-feminists, just because we wrote a song called ‘The only good skinny woman is a dead skinny woman.’ That was taken completely out of context.” Sonin is also bald and fat.

Despite the unusually large crowd of 4 including a haunting feminine presence, CGT played through their typically crowd alienating, dreadfully noisey set with shaky hands.

“It was nerve wracking, but we made it through. And then when the lights went on, we realized it was just John (the drummers)’s girlfriend. She got out of work early and was there to pick him up.”

Nevertheless, Che Guevara T-Shirt was badly shaken by the incident. They are planning to take a lengthy hiatus to recuperate.

Times Boredom recently discovered that Post-New Wave band Black Ships’ band promo photos were taken at Glamour Studios in Crossgates Mall.

Glamour Studios photographer and fake French guy Aujourd Hui (possibly actually
German) indicated he thought the session was a complete success. “I am used to
doing ze highschool yearbook photos and maybe sometimes headshots for ze models, so I am unprepared. I zay; ‘you vant dirty mat ving style like movie star’? Dey zay ‘non!’. I zay ‘ah, you are ze pop stars. You want Bieber cut’? Dey zay ‘vay off! Non!’ I zay, ‘hmm…you are ze bad boys mit angry! You vant Marilyn Manson I vant fuck you like animal? Oui?’ Dey zay ‘Cloze enough.’

Lead singer John Gill didn’t deny it. “Well yeah, but Aujourd Hui did a great job.
We were wearing gas masks and got this cool abandoned tunnel background… It looked really cool and post-apocalyptic. So what’s the big deal that it was at the mall? I even got a free facebook profile shot out of it.”

Fans reacted angrily though. “I thought Aggressive Response was hardcore until
now. I’m pretty pissed about this.” noted local middle aged hardcore fan
xxStevexx. When informed, for the third time, we were talking about Black Ships,
he changed his opinion; “Oh, right. I saw those guys on a bill with Neutron Rats
once. They were really cool. Had kind of a Smiths/New Order thing going.”

The author would like to note here for the record that he’s still amazed at how
many hardcore purists like New Order. Why New Order? He surmises (and has proof) that inside every hardcore tough guy is a young white boy that just wants to boogie the night away to eighties dance pop music with his best gal.

“I came here to see a dude dressed as a wolf! Possibly dressed as a wolf in lady’s
formal business attire! And also maybe some other people dressed like wolves!”
exclaimed local fan Think Noise. “When I saw that bear mask, I was like; sell-
out!”

Martin was cavalier about the episode. “I can dress like whatever power animal I
want. To this point, I’ve just been focusing on the wolf. That doesn’t mean I
can’t switch it up. I would’ve thought the fans would understand that.”

Half the audience left in disgust. The other half, however, stayed to watch a
kickass show. Martin even did several costume changes, one of which, needless to
say, was the signature Wolfman.