Another Dryer show, another deadly riot


Alternative indie-rock band Dryer began their show last Saturday at the Putnam Den (which has the BEST sound in the area and should totally book my band) amiably as usual, but devolved into the all too frequent scene of utter mayhem and destruction the band’s become famous for lately.

After finishing their song ‘gonna beat all yall motherfuckers to death with a garden hoe’, singer/bass player Rachel Sunday announced: “I just want to thank all of you for coming out tonight, and to let you know how fabulous I’m feeling.”

“Well you may feel fabulous, but everyone knows that I look and sound fabulous.” retorted singer/guitarist Bob Carlton.

“Yeah whatever Bob. We all know that we nearly got signed to Atlantic because of how fucking fabulous I am.”

“Bullshit. We got signed because they found out I was a Hawaiian vampire!”

At this point drummer Joel Lilley pipes up from behind “There can only be one super fabulous member of this band, and we all know that’s me!”

“Shut the fuck up and play some music ya wankers!” comes a shout from the audience.

“Fuck you xxSteve! I knew I should’ve killed you when I shot you over a decade ago! I WILL DRINK YOUR POI!”

At this point everyone knows what’s going to happen next.

In an all too familiar scene, Lilley cracks the sticks and blasts into a break beat with his double kick drums to set the scene for a rumble. Carlton springs off the stage, wielding his guitar like an axe, hacking, breaking, bruising, biting. Sunday tilts her bass guitar like a lance, and spears at least 2 fans in the first run through. Utter chaos and carnage follow.

By the end of the night, 7 are dead and scores injured. The Putnam Den is in shambles, and all the liquor has been drank, stolen or broken. A good time is had by all.

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