Local musician pissed at fake blog’s popularity

1c

Local musician Scott Koenig is furious that his fake blog is the most significant thing he’s ever done.

“I’ve been playing in bands around the area, writing music, rehearsing, performing, and touring for over twenty years now. But making fun of my peers; this is what people pay attention to? That’s fucked up dude.

“In the first few weeks alone I’ve gotten thousands of hits. Meanwhile my band Fucking Christ’s new album on Bandcamp has gotten 2 downloads. And we have 5 band members!

So why is Koenig so pissed off about making people happy? What kind of asshole would..

“I’ve been around man. I started off in a band from Schenectady called Brown Cuts Neighbors. They kicked me out cause I wore a koala mask, and they thought that was just ‘too weird’.

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“Next I moved to Saratoga to join Dryer, but I quit once it became apparent that Hawaiian vampire Bob Carlton only wanted a second guitarist to drink my blood when he needed a boost.

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“In the early 2000s I joined Complicated Shirt, only to get booted for being too ‘1980’s punk not mid-seventies’.

“A few years later I was in Che Guevara T-Shirt for a brief spell, but I was kicked out cause I was ‘too good looking’ and ‘attracting girls to the shows’.

“Then I was in Casa Sleep (later rechristened Bare Mattress), but couldn’t keep up with the grueling 8 nights a week performing schedule.

“Moon Worship kicked me out for ‘bringing down their peppy jangle vibe’.

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“Next was Black Ships. I’m one of the guys in the gas masks in the photo. But I wouldn’t pony up the dough to pay the mall studio photo fee.

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“I didn’t even make it past audition for Further Unsound. They told me my ‘bass note progression was more of a mixolydian while we’re typically running an E-Minor cycle and also, you suck.’

“Most recently I got kicked out of Candy Ambulance for constantly ogling the bass player. Whatever dude. If he doesn’t want me drooling over his pecks, he shouldn’t take his shirt off.”

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When asked why he can’t just be happy that people think his blog is funny, he responds;

“I’m just trying to forward the punk cause man, which means stealing the time machine before George Carlin gets it and assasinating The Jam before they ruin punk rock. Also Jefferson Airplane. I really fuckin hate Jefferson Airplane. I mean ‘Marconi plays the mambo, listen to the radio’? What the fuck does that even mean?”

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