Experts struggle to interpret statements from Governor Cuomo

Professors of political science, grammar, diction, cognitive science and a whole host of other disciplines have recently completely abandoned trying to understand statements from President Donald Trump.  Instead, they are moving on to other powerful politicians such as Governor Andrew Cuomo who they feel will be much easier to understand.  However, so far they’re still having lots of trouble.

“It was simply too difficult.” says Professor Emeritus of cognitive science at SUNY Albany Jane Loftus of interpreting Trumpspeak.  “We ran his statements through all kinds of algorithms, simulators, conducted focus groups, and even used recently developed EEG’s of how heuristics analysis of damaged brain waves may cause someone to say something that sounds like nonsense but has actual meaning to their mind, and no dice.  Trump speak is uninterpretable.”

Most academics, like Dr. Loftus, have therefore moved on to analyzing more local politicians, but it turns out there are similar issues there as well.

“So we took New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo to try to start with something easy, as he’s been an outspoken critic of many of Trump’s vague statements and policy positions, as far as he can interpret them.  Turns out Cuomo’s statements are almost equally unintelligible.  Take for instance a quote from a recent statement by Governor Cuomo:

“What this says is the case was not legal. It was overturned because it was not legal. So, if you’re using the legal system to quote-unquote reform government, you have to do it legally.

But there’s no question that the effort to reform government and clean up Albany and change the rules, that’s exactly right.”

That last sentence alone caused our computers to crash.”

But there may be hope yet.  Dr. Loftus has informed us that she plans to collaborate with Political Science Professor Stephen Koenig from the University at Buffalo who has some controversial theories on what he calls ‘Politspeak’.

“Essentially, politicians of the past 20 years or so no longer speak what you and I would commonly refer to as English.  Much like the much discredited though in my opinion valid E-bonics language, in order to survive and communicate as a politician you learn a completely different language that uses some English words in nonsensical and grammatically incorrect ways to convey your points.  I ran the Cuomo statement through my algorithm and came up with the following translation;

“The recent legal decision to overturn the Skelos conviction was based on a corrupt system of justice whereby as long as corrupt actions can somehow get around being illegal by using legalese no one but corrupt, rich lawyers can understand, they cannot be prosecuted.  Of course I don’t want to say this directly or formally so I have to couch my words in complete nonsense.  Especially since you’re putting me on the spot here. Prevarication, something that sounds like something but actually means nothing, etc.

Also I want to mention that me and my cronies are still pretending to reform the corrupt system from which we benefit so much.  So the take away here is that I will continue to pretend to try to change the fact that fucked up illegal shit by rich politicians and politically connected people doesn’t have any legal consequences. But honestly I don’t want to talk shit about my good buddies who did that fucked up shit and totally got mad paid and totally got away with it.  That’s actually fuckin cool with me.”

The Times Union officially announces it hates teachers

The Times Union recently posted a story blaming New York States’ teachers for its many fiscal woes.

UntitledThey based this story on a study conducted jointly by Satan and the Koch brothers’ research organization known as “Fuck the working and middle class and give us their money”.

“Our research found that there is no problem paying administrators like our friends Joe 1 million dollars to do absolutely nothing but harass hard working teachers.  In fact, our data-y statisticals convincingly proved everyone that actual teachers suck and get paid way too much and that’s why your taxes are so high.

We further proved by talking to our friend Joe in Administration that teachers statistically speaking are jerks and are ruining your children’s lives and you should pay those assholes less than minimum wage and me more (Joe, 2017). ”

Despite the sketchy background of the not for profit research organization that receives more in tax breaks than it costs to pay several thousand teachers, the Times Union saw fit to bolster their claims by posting an article with headlines concluding that their research was ‘truth’.

“Fuck the middle class and the working class and give us their money is a reputable research organization according to our CEO Joe.  Also, the Times Union would like to reinstate its opinions that all Unions everywhere are terrible and we’re glad we fired ours and any organization that still has a Union is scientificistally and researchably more expensive and kills your children (Joe, 2017). “

Bullying based on gender currently beyond not cool in New York: it’s ILLEGAL

The Times Union reports that “The state Education Department is reminding public school districts statewide that state and local law affords protections from discrimination and harassment to transgender students.”

Education Commissioner MaryEllen Elia recently made a statement to further clarify the law: “Despite orders from Trump to reinstate bullying based on gender, we in New York are sticking to our laws.  It’s not ok to call a boy a ‘sissy’ or a girl a ‘tomboy’.  If you must bully a boy for being bad at sports, call him a ‘wuss’ or a ‘weakling’.  If you must bully a girl for being good at sports, call her a ‘jock’ or ‘non-princess’.”

State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, citing the state’s Dignity for All Students Act, reinforced these statements by saying: “Seriously bullies, just don’t be morons. Fairy, pussy, dyke, butch; these words are not cool.  Bullies need to be aware that making fun of other kids’ for transgender behavior is illegal.  So if you’re gonna demand lunch money and they won’t give it to you, call them shithead, um, fuckface, or, you know, fatass if they’re fat, dumbass if they’re dumb, before you punch them or, better yet, just give them an Indian burn.”

“‘Indian’ burn’s not cool Eric.” pipes in Elia.

“Oh right, sorry, titty twister then…”

“You are so going to be forced to resign.”

“Yeah you’re right.  Fuck this.  I’m going to work for Trump where I can say whatever fuckin racist, sexist, or just plain nutbag shit that comes out of my mouth whenever I want.  Thanks you maggot eating twatface.”

“I’m with you you monkey raping shit for brains!”

Elia and Schneiderman have since announced they’re applying to work for that corpse fucking batshit crazy fuckhead called President Trump.

 

 

 

State worker to rule Somalia

Mohamed A. Mohamed, former Prime Minister of Somalia and interim state DOT employee, has been selected to be President of Somalia.

When asked whether he’s still qualified to rule that an anarchic, war torn pseudo state, Mohamed replied;

“Dude, I’ve been working for New York State for years now.  Empty titles, futile assignments, despair over the inability to accomplish anything whatsoever no matter how small and insignificant… I’ve been there and back.  This will be a piece of cake.”

Bands not safe on social media after Trump election

“Ever since Trump was elected, it’s just not possible to be a band on Facebook anymore.” says local blogger Scott Koenig. “I mean, everyone’s either bitching about or celebrating Trump now. There’s no space for people that just want to rock out.”

“Take this show my witchdoom band Fucking Christ has coming up with Asa Morris and the Mess and Hill Haints. We’ve been reminding people like crazy about it, resharing the link to the Facebook event page over and over, but as soon as we re-post someone else is like ‘Trump is a racist you fascists!’ and then ‘Trump’s gonna revitalize America you libtards!’ And then our event’s all the way down the page as people start flame wars over every stupid fucking post about this giant asshole. I mean president.  Whatever.”

TB: “What do you have to say to all the people out there that are overloading social media with posts about Trump?”

SK: “Well, I know it’s all important and he’s either the destroyer of the world or the savior of the rednecks or whatever, but please, let there be rock! There should be a Trump free zone on social media where bands can speak their minds about local shows going on and ep’s being released that don’t get ignored just  because some less important stuff is going on.”

The Man who killed Albany rock

As a hard hitting local journalist, I’ve been investigating why Albany consistently fails to rock out with its cock out for years. Ever since I got here, I noticed a wealth of great original live bands; punk, metal, hardcore, indie, etc.; but they never seemed to coalesce or play together regularly at any of the same venues. Over the years, people have attributed this to all kinds of factors, frequently the diversity of the music/atomization of the scene and people’s unwillingness to cross genres. Others blame it on that vomit inducing vodka and red bull drink, the decay of abstract expressionism, cross-dressing, Green Day, wearing your socks to bed at night, etc.

To research further, I’ve traveled to much smaller towns like Saratoga Springs and Burlington, even as small and far north as Plattsburgh. However, even in the winter you can hear the sound of live music everywhere in these towns. When the clock strikes midnight, people are on the streets shouting drunkenly, looking for the next show or pizza place to keep rocking. Albany, on the other hand, is a much bigger yet quieter town with tiny pockets of rock that never seem to last. WTF?!

I recently sat down with former City Planner/Councilmember Grendel Moses and found out why.

19501715-old-man-with-a-serious-expression-Stock-Photo-business

“I love cities, but only the good, traditional American daylight side. I love to see gangs of bankers and bureacrats walking through kafkaesque mazes after parking their cars a mile away. I love the site of 3 piece suits silhoutted against unnecessarily tall phallic structures and plazas calmly talking about boring shit like interest rates and tax burdens.

“As a city planner and politician what I HATE HATE HATE is live rock music and local art in general. That’s the kind of shit that leads to fun-filled riots. I just want all the nice smelling straight laced businessmen to leave Albany empty after 6 PM, and have it completely anti-septic when they get back Monday morning. About forty years ago, I single-handedly set in motion the dismantling of rock in Albany. And here’s how;

“Far as I’m concerned, the best way to engender rock is to have a centralized downtown location where young people live and college kids can get to. This breeds live, original music, and a community where arts can thrive and young punks can get together and have fun. I obliterated that shit with divide and conquer.

“You think ‘Sprawlbany’ means there’s lots of suburbs? Bullshit! There’s suburbs everywhere in America. What I did was to make the city itself a bunch of suburbs surrounded by dangerous neighborhoods. That way nobody could walk or party anywhere without worrying.

“First thing I did was kill anything cool on Lark Street. Best way to do that is subsidize and permit shitty bars that play garbage music on the jukebox (Nickelback’s my favorite. I’ll walk into any bar on Lark, play a whole Nickelback album and watch people yawn and go home). Any live music venue was shut down. Took me twenty years, but I knocked down the entire park south neighborhood just to get rid of Valentines.

“Same deal with Pearl Street; only a different strategy there worked way better; dress codes and discos. You put a bunch of well dressed people stinking of cheap cologne in a bar where they serve expensive beer and french fries, and you’ve got a lethargic contingent of zombies looking for sex for about twenty minutes before they get tired and realize it’d be better to make the long drive home now so they can catch up on episodes of The Good Wife on their TiVo.

“Next, I further divided and conquered through incentives; live music can spring up and spread like cockroaches, especially when punk and metal came around and anyone could do it. So I handed out subsidies to anyone that would relocate their club to a remote location, away from walking distance of anywhere, in bad neighborhoods ‘mid-town’, even got a couple up and running way down by the river on the Ghost side of town. Then I ensured that only dad-rock and bands that covered crap like ‘Oh! What a night’ played at the big downtown locations. It was beautiful.

“And that my friend is how I killed your scene. It’s too much of a hassle to rock out in Albany now. Everyplace is so far you have to drive, and if you drink enough to have fun you’ll get a dwi and not be able to leave your house! You might as well move to Saratoga, where the streets are safe and the college kids mingle with the twenty somethings. Though I’ve been talking to their zoning boards too…”

I asked him why the fuck he cared so much about what happens in the city after he’s home in his suburban bedroom community. Why did he have to take away the small joys I had as an Albany resident that likes rock music?

“Because I hate you dirty punks and rock music! You bums lost! The Bureaucrats and underhanded politicians will always run this town and you’ll never rock!  You’re just a drunken punk! Mwa-hahahahahahah hahahaha ahhahahaha ahahahahaha (cough cough cough)…”

“Are you alright?”

“Just a (cough) sec… (cough)… Mwah -hahah ahahahahah hahahahah….”

He goes on like this for twenty minutes before I decide to just leave. There’s a band I like playing tonight but it’s a long drive and none of my friends are going. It’ll be much easier to buy a bottle of booze, watch Rick and Morty again and drink myself to sleep.

Times Union literally reports ‘smoke’ in Colonie

1024x1024Seriously.

“The Times Union has a hard-hitting local team that keeps me up to the minute on stuff I need to know about” says local asshole blogger Scott Koenig.  “I have a friend that works at DOT, and thanks to the article I was able to call and annoy him.  He said ‘are you fucking kidding’?  I said ‘Yeah!  My God, are you ok?  Did you inhale any smoke?!’  He says ‘You’re an asshole.  Seriously dude, a laptop’s fan malfunctioned.  And we had to wait outside for like an hour.  That’s it.  The story should have been ‘everyone overreacts to nothing as usual here in Colonie.’.

“So I knew about the incident before my friend told me thanks to the Times Union site.  It was the biggest story since ‘Rain likely this afternoon’.  Though it obviously paled in comparison to ‘Buckets of urine and feces force temporary shutdown of DEC’ from last week.  Shit we were talking about that round the water cooler for like fifteen minutes before this lady I work with got nauseous and told us to stop.

Also some lady crashed into the nearby Bruegger’s!  Well, actually she just smashed her bumper on the brick facade.  But there was broken glass and bent plastic!

“Good thing I have the Times Union to keep me informed about stuff like this.  This town, man, it’s boring as fuck.  Especially on work days in the suburbs.  And I’m so glad to be apprised by the minute of every boring thing that happens.  It makes me even more depressed.”