Believe it or not, our own little cottage blog site scored an interview with Cynthia Nixon! Apparently she wants to take the ‘hip, local, sustainable underground road’ to interacting with the media. Take that, legitimate news publications! This interview was totally conducted at a fancy restaurant in the fancy part of downtown Manhattan where Ms. Nixon agreed to buy us a super elegant lunch with cocktails and everything.
TB: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview Ms. Nixon! And especially for buying us top shelf booze.
CN: It’s a pleasure. I’m tired of talking to mainstream media outlets that so often question my qualifications, lie about poll numbers and my chances of winning, etc. I’m gonna win this race, and I feel that under the radar small media enterprises such as your own are going to help me by publishing the actual truth to the actual, real, hardworking people that matter. Who, by the way, I’m one of!
TB: Super! Can I have another double Balvenie?
CN: Of course. But I think you should ask the waitress.
TB: Right. You’re the one running for Governor. Forgive me I’m a little drunk and you’re dressed so simply yet formally. I know my paper’s gone all viral lately but seriously we were nobodies a week ago and all the free booze…
CN: Yes I understand and I appreciate your (rolls eyes derisively) shall we say ‘keepin it real’ attire (laughs charmingly). Can we discuss my candidacy please? (laughs charmingly)
TB: Right. So most recently you held a press conference to highlight how the subway doesn’t run great and how it’s Cuomo’s fault.
CN: That’s correct. Under Cuomo’s leadership…
TB: Awesome. You know you’re running for Governor right, not head of the MTA?
CN: Yes but the L train has been late…
TB: Great, but Governors don’t make the trains run on time last I checked…
CN: Ok, I see that legendary wit that made your paper a force to be reckoned with (wags finger playfully).
TB: Um ok. Another drink please?
CN: Another issue I believe strongly in is hashtag rent justice.
TB: You don’t have to say ‘hashtag’ out loud. I can print that.
CN: Too many of our over 9 million New Yorkers are facing sky high rents and evictions…
TB: Um there’s over 18 million of us…
CN Really? My publicist swears there’s only around 9… Oh I guess some people count Long Island too…
TB: Awesome. Again, you do know you’re running for Governor, not Mayor of New York City?
CN: In any case the rent is just too damn high…
TB: Where have I heard that before?
CN: I don’t know. The New Yorker perhaps? Haha I’m so charmingly cultured but I care about poor people that face eviction too you know. But seriously, I only read the New Yorker. And of course Cosmo and Redbook guiltily (laughs charmingly). Oh lighten up I’m being ironic! I read the Times too… when I have the time!
TB: Yeah, even some of those, tee-hee, charming papers have noted your lack of qualifications to hold any public office… much less one of the most powerful in the country.
CN: Well that’s short sighted. When did Donald Trump ever hold public office before being President?
TB: Wait, are you saying that you think Trump’s doing a good job as President?
CN: Of course not. It’s just that we’re living in a post-‘politician as career civil servant’ era. Welcome to the Warholian ‘if you’re famous for more than 15 minutes you get to run the country era’. No, but of course I hate Trump since I’m a woman and a New Yorker. That’s why I think we absolutely need to legalize marijuana.
TB: Ok hold on there; perhaps we’re not as politically or rhetorically astute as you here at Times Boredom, but didn’t you just completely change the subject from your qualifications to note that you’re an untraditional candidate by first spouting a bunch of pretentious nonsense and then taking a currently noncontroversial stance on a traditionally controversial issue?
CN: No of course not darling. It’s about black people. They smoke the most marijuana and get in the most trouble for it which I think is just dreadful. Being a lesbian, I know how black people suffer.
TB: What the fuck are you talking about? What on earth makes you think you could hold the highest political office in New York State and do a halfway decent job of it?
CN: I was on Sex and the City. And like I said, I’m a lesbian.
Which reminds me, Indians said we should buy seventh generation paper towels…
TB: Damn it, I’m starting to feel like your absolute nonsense is sobering me up. This is legitimately scary. So basically you’re a lesbian that was on a popular tv show years ago, and you think that somehow makes you qualified or capable or just an ‘outside the beltway’ rebel?
CN: I’ve also lived in New York all my life. I know this island like the back of my hand. Which is why I feel very strongly that illegal immigrants should all be given licenses.
TB: New York State is bigger than Manhattan! Are you actually running for Governor or just being a social commentator on poverty and environmental issues that don’t affect you or your rich famous friends for some rich person magazine that only you and your rich famous friends read in Manhattan?
CN: Where are you from again?
TB: Albany! The capital of New York State! You know if you actually became Governor you’d have to at least visit here like other Governors have before you…
CN: Oh everyone knows no Governor’s left Manhattan overnight since Koch. But honestly I thought you were a player; your lack of ironic indifference when it comes to actual significant power and affecting the lives of millions of people makes me think you have some sort of conscience. Which I cannot in good taste as a taste making fake political office seeker support. Therefore, I’m leaving you with the bill. And if you even think about publishing one word of this ill advised conversation I’ll sue you and your entire NY tit sucking capital city for the millions we generously donate you hicks every year (I must remember to fire that new communications director Sara Koenig – what was I thinking?). Ta! Vote Nixon or don’t — it’s all just a futile publicity stunt anyway. And stop taking things so seriously!