The proposed Albany Skyway is so fucking stupid we don’t need to write a word to make it hilarious

A direct link to the article should suffice to make you laugh your lunch up (we’re pretty sure our pals over at All over Albany, or AOA as those of us in the know call it, are laughing with us):

http://alloveralbany.com/archive/2018/08/13/albany-skyway-design-2018-august#main-content

Ok maybe just one paragraph:

Only $3 million dollars to turn an underutilized ramp into a breeding ground for happy multicultural couples, trees that are greener than the ones from shitty old faded photographs, a great hangout place under a fucking bridge for all kinds of folks in different lighting conditions that don’t quite exist in real time, space, or anything else resembling reality, and a bunch of people utilizing various modes of transport to float above sidewalks, run into concrete barriers, violate all laws of realistic perspective (but seriously folks how bad are these contractors at hiring someone that knows how to use photoshop?)!  When the shit hits the road, this will provide a way for Albany citizens to walk an extra mile to get an up close view of the biggest eyesore in Albany, Ye olde toxic refrigerated warehouse!  They’re your taxes, and they might actually be wasted on this!  Aren’t you proud of your city and what it might accomplish?!

 

Albany Skyway design 2018-August_7

 

Convicted corrupt former Cuomo official spends $32.58 on state phones for Cuomo Campaign

The Times Union, with its usual hard hitting no holds barred muckraking justice serving light shining ground breaking speaking of truth to power, published an entire article (the printing of which alone probably cost more than the actual illegal charges) about how a former official that’s already been convicted of fiendishly corrupt things involving billions of dollars misused a couple dozen dollars of the public’s money making a couple of phone calls to the City for Cuomo’s campaign.

https://blog.timesunion.com/capitol/archives/283228/state-resources-went-to-cuomo-campaign-effort-records-show/

Thanks to our own local Woodward and Bernsteins, Upton Sinclairs, blah blah blah (insert names of other reputable journalists and social activists) here in Albany, a man that has already been convicted of heinous crimes will not fail to have another crime (that cost the state literal pennies that happens everyday because no one gives a shit about that amount of money or that low level of corruption) go unreported.

Times Boredom scores interview with NY Gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon!

Believe it or not, our own little cottage blog site scored an interview with Cynthia Nixon! Apparently she wants to take the ‘hip, local, sustainable underground road’ to interacting with the media. Take that, legitimate news publications! This interview was totally conducted at a fancy restaurant in the fancy part of downtown Manhattan where Ms. Nixon agreed to buy us a super elegant lunch with cocktails and everything.

images

TB: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview Ms. Nixon! And especially for buying us top shelf booze.

CN: It’s a pleasure. I’m tired of talking to mainstream media outlets that so often question my qualifications, lie about poll numbers and my chances of winning, etc. I’m gonna win this race, and I feel that under the radar small media enterprises such as your own are going to help me by publishing the actual truth to the actual, real, hardworking people that matter. Who, by the way, I’m one of!

TB: Super! Can I have another double Balvenie?

CN: Of course. But I think you should ask the waitress.

TB: Right. You’re the one running for Governor. Forgive me I’m a little drunk and you’re dressed so simply yet formally. I know my paper’s gone all viral lately but seriously we were nobodies a week ago and all the free booze…

CN: Yes I understand and I appreciate your (rolls eyes derisively) shall we say ‘keepin it real’ attire (laughs charmingly). Can we discuss my candidacy please? (laughs charmingly)

TB: Right. So most recently you held a press conference to highlight how the subway doesn’t run great and how it’s Cuomo’s fault.

CN: That’s correct. Under Cuomo’s leadership…

TB: Awesome. You know you’re running for Governor right, not head of the MTA?

CN: Yes but the L train has been late…

TB: Great, but Governors don’t make the trains run on time last I checked…

CN: Ok, I see that legendary wit that made your paper a force to be reckoned with (wags finger playfully).

TB: Um ok. Another drink please?

CN: Another issue I believe strongly in is hashtag rent justice.

TB: You don’t have to say ‘hashtag’ out loud. I can print that.

CN: Too many of our over 9 million New Yorkers are facing sky high rents and evictions…

TB: Um there’s over 18 million of us…

images (1)CN Really? My publicist swears there’s only around 9… Oh I guess some people count Long Island too…

TB: Awesome. Again, you do know you’re running for Governor, not Mayor of New York City?

CN: In any case the rent is just too damn high…

TB: Where have I heard that before?

CN: I don’t know. The New Yorker perhaps? Haha I’m so charmingly cultured but I care about poor people that face eviction too you know. But seriously, I only read the New Yorker. And of course Cosmo and Redbook guiltily (laughs charmingly). Oh lighten up I’m being ironic! I read the Times too… when I have the time!

TB: Yeah, even some of those, tee-hee, charming papers have noted your lack of qualifications to hold any public office… much less one of the most powerful in the country.

CN: Well that’s short sighted. When did Donald Trump ever hold public office before being President?

TB: Wait, are you saying that you think Trump’s doing a good job as President?

CN: Of course not. It’s just that we’re living in a post-‘politician as career civil servant’ era. Welcome to the Warholian ‘if you’re famous for more than 15 minutes you get to run the country era’. No, but of course I hate Trump since I’m a woman and a New Yorker. That’s why I think we absolutely need to legalize marijuana.

TB: Ok hold on there; perhaps we’re not as politically or rhetorically astute as you here at Times Boredom, but didn’t you just completely change the subject from your qualifications to note that you’re an untraditional candidate by first spouting a bunch of pretentious nonsense and then taking a currently noncontroversial stance on a traditionally controversial issue?

CN: No of course not darling. It’s about black people. They smoke the most marijuana and get in the most trouble for it which I think is just dreadful. Being a lesbian, I know how black people suffer.

TB: What the fuck are you talking about? What on earth makes you think you could hold the highest political office in New York State and do a halfway decent job of it?

CN: I was on Sex and the City. And like I said, I’m a lesbian.
Which reminds me, Indians said we should buy seventh generation paper towels…

TB: Damn it, I’m starting to feel like your absolute nonsense is sobering me up. This is legitimately scary. So basically you’re a lesbian that was on a popular tv show years ago, and you think that somehow makes you qualified or capable or just an ‘outside the beltway’ rebel?

CN: I’ve also lived in New York all my life. I know this island like the back of my hand. Which is why I feel very strongly that illegal immigrants should all be given licenses.

TB: New York State is bigger than Manhattan! Are you actually running for Governor or just being a social commentator on poverty and environmental issues that don’t affect you or your rich famous friends for some rich person magazine that only you and your rich famous friends read in Manhattan?

CN: Where are you from again?

TB: Albany! The capital of New York State! You know if you actually became Governor you’d have to at least visit here like other Governors have before you…

CN: Oh everyone knows no Governor’s left Manhattan overnight since Koch. But honestly I thought you were a player; your lack of ironic indifference when it comes to actual significant power and affecting the lives of millions of people makes me think you have some sort of conscience. Which I cannot in good taste as a taste making fake political office seeker support. Therefore, I’m leaving you with the bill. And if you even think about publishing one word of this ill advised conversation I’ll sue you and your entire NY tit sucking capital city for the millions we generously donate you hicks every year (I must remember to fire that new communications director Sara Koenig – what was I thinking?). Ta! Vote Nixon or don’t — it’s all just a futile publicity stunt anyway. And stop taking things so seriously!

Super Dark to announce IPO

The Saratoga Springs based production company, media enterprise, promotions firm, booking agent, record label, etc. known as ‘Super Dark’ collective has announced that it has attained enough fame and financial success to formally go public within the next year.

0009935449_10

Begun in 2013, the original aim of the company was to make exceedingly fudgey brownies. “Well, we looked at the capital district market for baked goods and just thought it was all too light and fluffy. There were blondies, cookies, cake brownies, angel food, etc.” says Super Dark founder Shane Sanchez. “None of them were dark enough for our tastes. Hence ‘super dark’ collective.”

sd

“However, we quickly realized that Sweet Sue ran the baked goods racket in this town with an iron fist. We knew we couldn’t compete, so we decided to just do what every Fortune 500 company that started in the 21st century did; promote local rock music!”

Ever since, the Super Dark label has made its mark everywhere there’s independent music in the Capital District and beyond. Every band from Saratoga and Glens Falls that’s sold a over a hundred thousand records in the past year are owned, represented, booked, and/or promoted by the Super Dark collective. The most recent enterprise of this financial juggernaut is a radio show, sure to become a radio station in no time at all.

“Before Super Dark, there was music in the Capital District;” says local pervert Scott Koenig, “it’s just that no one knew about it. Super Dark found a way to publicize and support local music in a way that no one since, well… I was gonna say Metroland or the Alt but they both totally sucked at promoting good music… ever has done before. And to make millions doing it!”

Don’t forget to call your broker and put a buy order in for Super Dark Collective Stock (NASDAQ symbol: SDCS) as soon as it’s available!

Experts struggle to interpret statements from Governor Cuomo

Professors of political science, grammar, diction, cognitive science and a whole host of other disciplines have recently completely abandoned trying to understand statements from President Donald Trump.  Instead, they are moving on to other powerful politicians such as Governor Andrew Cuomo who they feel will be much easier to understand.  However, so far they’re still having lots of trouble.

“It was simply too difficult.” says Professor Emeritus of cognitive science at SUNY Albany Jane Loftus of interpreting Trumpspeak.  “We ran his statements through all kinds of algorithms, simulators, conducted focus groups, and even used recently developed EEG’s of how heuristics analysis of damaged brain waves may cause someone to say something that sounds like nonsense but has actual meaning to their mind, and no dice.  Trump speak is uninterpretable.”

Most academics, like Dr. Loftus, have therefore moved on to analyzing more local politicians, but it turns out there are similar issues there as well.

“So we took New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo to try to start with something easy, as he’s been an outspoken critic of many of Trump’s vague statements and policy positions, as far as he can interpret them.  Turns out Cuomo’s statements are almost equally unintelligible.  Take for instance a quote from a recent statement by Governor Cuomo:

“What this says is the case was not legal. It was overturned because it was not legal. So, if you’re using the legal system to quote-unquote reform government, you have to do it legally.

But there’s no question that the effort to reform government and clean up Albany and change the rules, that’s exactly right.”

That last sentence alone caused our computers to crash.”

But there may be hope yet.  Dr. Loftus has informed us that she plans to collaborate with Political Science Professor Stephen Koenig from the University at Buffalo who has some controversial theories on what he calls ‘Politspeak’.

“Essentially, politicians of the past 20 years or so no longer speak what you and I would commonly refer to as English.  Much like the much discredited though in my opinion valid E-bonics language, in order to survive and communicate as a politician you learn a completely different language that uses some English words in nonsensical and grammatically incorrect ways to convey your points.  I ran the Cuomo statement through my algorithm and came up with the following translation;

“The recent legal decision to overturn the Skelos conviction was based on a corrupt system of justice whereby as long as corrupt actions can somehow get around being illegal by using legalese no one but corrupt, rich lawyers can understand, they cannot be prosecuted.  Of course I don’t want to say this directly or formally so I have to couch my words in complete nonsense.  Especially since you’re putting me on the spot here. Prevarication, something that sounds like something but actually means nothing, etc.

Also I want to mention that me and my cronies are still pretending to reform the corrupt system from which we benefit so much.  So the take away here is that I will continue to pretend to try to change the fact that fucked up illegal shit by rich politicians and politically connected people doesn’t have any legal consequences. But honestly I don’t want to talk shit about my good buddies who did that fucked up shit and totally got mad paid and totally got away with it.  That’s actually fuckin cool with me.”

The Times Union officially announces it hates teachers

The Times Union recently posted a story blaming New York States’ teachers for its many fiscal woes.

UntitledThey based this story on a study conducted jointly by Satan and the Koch brothers’ research organization known as “Fuck the working and middle class and give us their money”.

“Our research found that there is no problem paying administrators like our friends Joe 1 million dollars to do absolutely nothing but harass hard working teachers.  In fact, our data-y statisticals convincingly proved everyone that actual teachers suck and get paid way too much and that’s why your taxes are so high.

We further proved by talking to our friend Joe in Administration that teachers statistically speaking are jerks and are ruining your children’s lives and you should pay those assholes less than minimum wage and me more (Joe, 2017). ”

Despite the sketchy background of the not for profit research organization that receives more in tax breaks than it costs to pay several thousand teachers, the Times Union saw fit to bolster their claims by posting an article with headlines concluding that their research was ‘truth’.

“Fuck the middle class and the working class and give us their money is a reputable research organization according to our CEO Joe.  Also, the Times Union would like to reinstate its opinions that all Unions everywhere are terrible and we’re glad we fired ours and any organization that still has a Union is scientificistally and researchably more expensive and kills your children (Joe, 2017). “

Bullying based on gender currently beyond not cool in New York: it’s ILLEGAL

The Times Union reports that “The state Education Department is reminding public school districts statewide that state and local law affords protections from discrimination and harassment to transgender students.”

Education Commissioner MaryEllen Elia recently made a statement to further clarify the law: “Despite orders from Trump to reinstate bullying based on gender, we in New York are sticking to our laws.  It’s not ok to call a boy a ‘sissy’ or a girl a ‘tomboy’.  If you must bully a boy for being bad at sports, call him a ‘wuss’ or a ‘weakling’.  If you must bully a girl for being good at sports, call her a ‘jock’ or ‘non-princess’.”

State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, citing the state’s Dignity for All Students Act, reinforced these statements by saying: “Seriously bullies, just don’t be morons. Fairy, pussy, dyke, butch; these words are not cool.  Bullies need to be aware that making fun of other kids’ for transgender behavior is illegal.  So if you’re gonna demand lunch money and they won’t give it to you, call them shithead, um, fuckface, or, you know, fatass if they’re fat, dumbass if they’re dumb, before you punch them or, better yet, just give them an Indian burn.”

“‘Indian’ burn’s not cool Eric.” pipes in Elia.

“Oh right, sorry, titty twister then…”

“You are so going to be forced to resign.”

“Yeah you’re right.  Fuck this.  I’m going to work for Trump where I can say whatever fuckin racist, sexist, or just plain nutbag shit that comes out of my mouth whenever I want.  Thanks you maggot eating twatface.”

“I’m with you you monkey raping shit for brains!”

Elia and Schneiderman have since announced they’re applying to work for that corpse fucking batshit crazy fuckhead called President Trump.