Local witchdoom band Fucking Christ refused to go on following immensely proficient local band the Further Unsound.

“Seriously, that guitarist (Matt Malone) is off the charts. He starts by playing a bunch of heavy metal arpeggioes while stomping around the stage; his fingers are so fast I can’t even see them. Then he seamlessly blends into chords and song structures and without losing a breath segues into this funky punk groove, all the while not even looking at his hands!” shouted Fucking Christ frontman Koenig, clearly intimidated.

“Meanwhile the drummer (Sean Cranston) follows every seemingly whimsical change with alert precision, kicking off these mad syncopated shots behind, and then, get this, out of nowhere he starts singing while keeping the beat in this bombastic contralto voice!”

When asked whether he thinks the Further Unsound will usher in a new era of massively talented bands in the Capital District, Koenig asserts: “Fuck. I sure hope not. I’ve been playing in bands that can barely hold their instruments for a long time and we’ve been doing pretty well. But after seeing that shit, I’m afraid we talentless hacks might have to fold up shop.”

Local post-post-rock post-indie pre-math hopeless slo-fi noisey prog sludge band Che Guevara T-Shirt were shocked and dismayed over the turnout at their show last Friday night.

“After over a decade of playing locally, we’ve managed to alienate everyone but a few of our personal friends from coming to our shows. We even personally greet the revolving cast of Dave, Justin, Kevin, Aaron, and/or Hans, provided they don’t leave before we play. Which they usually do.” claimed lead singer k. Sonin.

“But last Friday there was an extra person there, and it was actually a female!” asserted local gynephobe Sonin. “Hey, what did you just write about me there? Did you write that I’m afraid of girls?” asks local misogynist k. Sonin. “Dude, not cool. We’re still getting over that Metroland article from 5 years ago that said we were post-3rd wave anti-feminists, just because we wrote a song called ‘The only good skinny woman is a dead skinny woman.’ That was taken completely out of context.” Sonin is also bald and fat.

Despite the unusually large crowd of 4 including a haunting feminine presence, CGT played through their typically crowd alienating, dreadfully noisey set with shaky hands.

“It was nerve wracking, but we made it through. And then when the lights went on, we realized it was just John (the drummers)’s girlfriend. She got out of work early and was there to pick him up.”

Nevertheless, Che Guevara T-Shirt was badly shaken by the incident. They are planning to take a lengthy hiatus to recuperate.

Times Boredom recently discovered that Post-New Wave band Black Ships’ band promo photos were taken at Glamour Studios in Crossgates Mall.

Glamour Studios photographer and fake French guy Aujourd Hui (possibly actually
German) indicated he thought the session was a complete success. “I am used to
doing ze highschool yearbook photos and maybe sometimes headshots for ze models, so I am unprepared. I zay; ‘you vant dirty mat ving style like movie star’? Dey zay ‘non!’. I zay ‘ah, you are ze pop stars. You want Bieber cut’? Dey zay ‘vay off! Non!’ I zay, ‘hmm…you are ze bad boys mit angry! You vant Marilyn Manson I vant fuck you like animal? Oui?’ Dey zay ‘Cloze enough.’

Lead singer John Gill didn’t deny it. “Well yeah, but Aujourd Hui did a great job.
We were wearing gas masks and got this cool abandoned tunnel background… It looked really cool and post-apocalyptic. So what’s the big deal that it was at the mall? I even got a free facebook profile shot out of it.”

Fans reacted angrily though. “I thought Aggressive Response was hardcore until
now. I’m pretty pissed about this.” noted local middle aged hardcore fan
xxStevexx. When informed, for the third time, we were talking about Black Ships,
he changed his opinion; “Oh, right. I saw those guys on a bill with Neutron Rats
once. They were really cool. Had kind of a Smiths/New Order thing going.”

The author would like to note here for the record that he’s still amazed at how
many hardcore purists like New Order. Why New Order? He surmises (and has proof) that inside every hardcore tough guy is a young white boy that just wants to boogie the night away to eighties dance pop music with his best gal.

“I came here to see a dude dressed as a wolf! Possibly dressed as a wolf in lady’s
formal business attire! And also maybe some other people dressed like wolves!”
exclaimed local fan Think Noise. “When I saw that bear mask, I was like; sell-
out!”

Martin was cavalier about the episode. “I can dress like whatever power animal I
want. To this point, I’ve just been focusing on the wolf. That doesn’t mean I
can’t switch it up. I would’ve thought the fans would understand that.”

Half the audience left in disgust. The other half, however, stayed to watch a
kickass show. Martin even did several costume changes, one of which, needless to
say, was the signature Wolfman.

“We get compared to Ministry and The Cramps alot, but our formative influences are really Aztec Camera and the Housemartins” claims lead vocalist and bass player ‘Black Jack Cassidy’ (Kevin). “I know I write songs like ‘Rat City’ and ‘Here Comes Hell’ about stuff like bomb trains exploding and killing hundreds of people, but I can’t help being a dark person. I really just try to write pop songs that make people happy.”

Drummer ‘Chainsaw’ (Jason) claims to fuel the dark fire on this score. “Oh man I
hate that twee pop shit. So whenever Kevin plays some pop riff and ‘oo oo oo I
love you’ shite, I pound the fuck out of my drums and symbols Swans style. This in
turn causes Finch and Cottonmouth to turn up and add a bunch of cool noisey stuff, and then forces Kevin to crank the distortion and start screaming about the fucked up shit in his head.”

“All I ever really wanted was to write another pop gem like the Smithereens ‘A Girl
Like You’ or, better yet, the Cardigans ‘Lovefool’. Those are great tunes. I wish
we weren’t such a dark band.”

See the pop darkness tonight at Paulys Hotel!

Local pervert Scott Koenig recently saw his first Candy Ambulance show and was
impressed.

“I usually go to punk shows to ogle the 2 or 3 ladies there. But my friend Rob
said ‘there’s this band that’s been playing a bunch of shows where the lead singer
is a hot female!’.” Expecting to just lewdly stare, Scott was pleasantly
surprised; “believe it or not, despite the fact that she was hot, I was watching
the band! They were actually really good! I’ve gone to see them just for their
music several times since then. And I’m a little embarassed to say this, but the dudes in the band are pretty hot too…”

Caitlin Barker is no stranger to sexist objectification at her shows. “Being an
attractive woman onstage is definitely an asset for a struggling band, but it’s
also a good incentive for people to come see our band and appreciate our music. I
mean, what do you have with just a hot female lead singer and no decent
songwriting? Jefferson Airplane? They fuckin suck.” At this point Caitlin goes
off on a tangent; “Then of course there was Jefferson Starship which was even
worse, and then fucking Starship which was just wrinkly pop garbage. We Built This City is definitely a funny song, but it’s funny in a haha you’re band is really
stupid kind of way. And Grace Slick was barely even hot anymore at that point.
Lord knows how they kept having hits. Have you heard that song from Mannequin? Just a terrible, awful piece of crap band.”

“I’ve heard nothing but good things about them.” claimed local scenester Mike
Firth. “And I’ve met them all and they’re cool guys. I can’t imagine their music
and energy isn’t awesome. Their leather jackets and patches are always
on point too.”

When asked why he’d never been to one of their shows, he replied “I’m a drunken fuckup. I have too many DUI’s to drive myself to see them, and none of my friends will drive me after I’ve puked in their car too many times.”

Brendan, the bass guitar player for Neutron Rats, expressed surprise. “Mike’s seen us a
dozen times. Though admittedly sometimes he’s puking in the bathroom. He must’ve
just been too drunk to remember.”

Local darkwave mainstay Bare Mattress has actually refused to play a show in the Capital District for the first time.  Local hardcore band leader X. Vox was disappointed.

“We really needed an opener, and I asked Jay.  He says, dude, Hans will play any show, he’s awesome.  And then the guy says no!”

“I had nothing against the band or the show,” insists Hans, lead singer of Bare Mattress; “I just had 2 other shows to play that night.  I’ll play with them next time though.”

Though Hans typically plays 7 nights a week, he admits to enjoying time off now and then.  “Wednesday I didn’t have a gig and it was really cool.  I ordered some Chinese food and played Grand Theft Auto.  I’m thinking of taking at least one night off a week from now on.”