About k

I was born by the river in a little tent and just like the river seems like i've been running ever since it's been a long long time coming but i know change gonna come.

Proposed aerial gondolas over Albany — you can’t make this stupid shit up!

Posted on August 16, 2018 by k

Seriously. We thought this was another fake news story ourselves, but sometimes truth is funnier than fiction:

https://www.news10.com/news/local-news/proposal-submitted-to-bring-aerial-gondolas-to-albany-rensselaer/1374335120

Personally, whenever I’m at the rail station (I’ve never been and have lived in Albany all my life), I always wish there were a way to be magically transported to the Times Union Center (I’ve been there twice) and nowhere else! Like say, by using a car or a bus like a normal person in a normal small city. And I demand that it looks like fucking Disneyland! 25 million isn’t enough!

Also; isn’t it embarrassing that fake news sites like ours do a better job of spelling and punctuation than actual news sites? Just saying.

The proposed Albany Skyway is so fucking stupid we don’t need to write a word to make it hilarious

Posted on August 14, 2018 by k

A direct link to the article should suffice to make you laugh your lunch up (we’re pretty sure our pals over at All over Albany, or AOA as those of us in the know call it, are laughing with us):

http://alloveralbany.com/archive/2018/08/13/albany-skyway-design-2018-august#main-content

Ok maybe just one paragraph:

Only $3 million dollars to turn an underutilized ramp into a breeding ground for happy multicultural couples, trees that are greener than the ones from shitty old faded photographs, a great hangout place under a fucking bridge for all kinds of folks in different lighting conditions that don’t quite exist in real time, space, or anything else resembling reality, and a bunch of people utilizing various modes of transport to float above sidewalks, run into concrete barriers, violate all laws of realistic perspective (but seriously folks how bad are these contractors at hiring someone that knows how to use photoshop?)! When the shit hits the road, this will provide a way for Albany citizens to walk an extra mile to get an up close view of the biggest eyesore in Albany, Ye olde toxic refrigerated warehouse! They’re your taxes, and they might actually be wasted on this! Aren’t you proud of your city and what it might accomplish?!

White Devil bingo resurrects Hunter S. Thomson

Posted on August 13, 2018 by k

Everyone that attended the White Devil/Sinkcharmer Rong show at Pauly’s Hotel last Thursday now knows the dangers of a ‘free space’ in an occult Bingo Game:

One might think that ‘chanting’, ‘ceremonial sacrifice’, ‘reincarnated celtic storyteller’ and ‘wolf blitzer’ squares being invoked by the ‘White Devil’ would be dangerous enough, but no one would have thought the ‘free’ space would have done what it did. But it did, and anyone that saw it will never forget it; Hunter S. Thompson’s ghost appeared at the end of the bar, and he even left a review on a bar napkin:

In fact, the show was so well received, it was discussed at water coolers all over the Capital District the next day:

And in yet another bizarre occult twist, made it into 1977 motion picture Annie Hall!;

Be careful of what ye invoke, oh local solo side projects… bizarre things are likely to occur when you set up your own weird bingo game based on what you and Wolf Blitzer may or may not do…

Hearing on proposed Hill Haints/Che Guevara T-Shirt merger

Posted on August 10, 2018 by k

“We have here today a panel of experts, community leaders, and government liasons to determine whether or not to approve the motion to merge bands ‘Hill Haints’ and ‘Che Guevara T-Shirt’ to form “Hill Guevara Haints T”.

First on our panel is local media master, mc, promotions and all around scene god Shane Sanchez.

“It’s nice to be here Scott. And thanks for all the Superdark love. I certainly wouldn’t call myself a god of anything…”

“Get over it Shane, we worship you. Here in the Capital District, you’ve accomplished way more in terms of setting up shows and bringing out and together and promoting great music and acts than anyone in over twenty years, so can the modesty!

Next on the panel is scene queen Caitlin Barker representing local grunge punk rulers Candy Ambulance.”

CB: “Nice to be here Scott. You’re a fuckin creep.”

“Indeed I am! Also here representing both local death-a-billy noise band Moon Worship and Funeral Doom heroes Fucking Christ is ‘JJ'”

JJ: “I am going to slowly torture you Scott for bringing me here… Flay off your skin and eat it…”

“Ok finally, here to represent local government is fun killing bureaucrat Grendel Moses. And at the desk are reps from both bands seeking the merger; E.S. Cormac from Hill Haints and k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt. Why are you guys looking to merge?”

E.S.:”Well Scott, we both played a show together recently, and there was just so much mutual love and admiration. And there has been for awhile now. So we figured, hey, let’s do an in the fishtank kind of thing. It could spread like a… Carcinogen!”

“And we’ve got a plug on the board! Nice one E.S.! We’d like to remind everyone here to download the excellent groundbreaking new Hill Haints album ‘Carcinogen’ at https://hillhaints.bandcamp.com/album/carcinogen!

Now Keith, why do they call you fat Matt?”

KS: “What? I’ve never heard anyone call me that”

“They do it behind your back. Probably because you’re indistinguishable from your better looking, much fitter twin brother Matt Heuston who also plays guitar and sings in your band other than the fact that you’re fuckin fat. And you’re a total asshole.”

KS: “Fuck you too Scott.”

“I love to hate on this guy! Can we hear from our panel?”

CB: “Well I’d just like to say that even though ‘People Are Deceitful’, ‘I Feel Fantastic’ about this merger'”

“Oh Doctor! It looks like we’ve got two plugs in one sentence from Caitlin Barker! Let’s remind the audience… quiet your cheers everyone… that’s better, that the albums mentioned can be downloaded at https://candyambulance.bandcamp.com/track/people-are-deceitful and https://candyambulance.bandcamp.com/album/i-feel-fantastic! Yes, let’s cheer some more!”

KS: “I’d like to interject that this merger might ‘7 out, pay the don’ts’, Scott!”

(Dead silence)

“That was terrible fat Matt. I’m not even going to tell people where to get your new album because of how shameless and unrelated that plug was.”

GM: “Mr. Koenig, if I may…”

“Yes boring old farty bureaucrat Grendel Moses…”

GM: “I’m in favor of this merger so long as both bands stop playing separately. That way there will be less fun, less shows, less music, etc.”

E.S.: “No way dude, we rock when we wanna rock how we wanna rock and no one’s gonna stop us.”

KS: “Yeah! Um, dude!”

GM: “Well then I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill this merger right now. And I have that authority given that no one else here actually does have any ability to approve or dissaprove of mergers. Motion denied. Go home you stinkin kids! Clear the courtroom my fellow bureaucratic thugs!”

“And the audience does not like this! They are throwing chairs and sodas and bowties and chanting for blood! Panel members are being led safely out by authorities…”

SSS: “The scene will rise again! You can’t hold us down forever!”

GM: “No, but I can right now. And given the increasing trends of even young people not having any interest in going out to see live music, form bands, support local music, etc. I’m quite sure I’m winning this war. Motion denied. Old farts that hate rock win again.”

Is fun hating old disgusting bureaucrat Grendel Moses, pictured above, right? Are you, dear reader, going to go to a show this weekend or the next to see one of the great bands mentioned above? Or are you tired? Is your Netflix queue too large? Are you using children as your excuse? Will you click a couple of the bandcamp links and spend twenty minutes listening to the great music increasingly coming out in the Capital District? Let’s find out!

Haley Moley too professional to be mentioned on fake site Times Boredom

Posted on August 9, 2018 by k

Aw, fuck, I did that wrong.

Convicted corrupt former Cuomo official spends $32.58 on state phones for Cuomo Campaign

Posted on July 16, 2018 by k

The Times Union, with its usual hard hitting no holds barred muckraking justice serving light shining ground breaking speaking of truth to power, published an entire article (the printing of which alone probably cost more than the actual illegal charges) about how a former official that’s already been convicted of fiendishly corrupt things involving billions of dollars misused a couple dozen dollars of the public’s money making a couple of phone calls to the City for Cuomo’s campaign.

State resources went to Cuomo campaign effort, records show

Thanks to our own local Woodward and Bernsteins, Upton Sinclairs, blah blah blah (insert names of other reputable journalists and social activists) here in Albany, a man that has already been convicted of heinous crimes will not fail to have another crime (that cost the state literal pennies that happens everyday because no one gives a shit about that amount of money or that low level of corruption) go unreported.

Times Boredom knew it was cool first… Volume 62; the Super Dark Collective.

Posted on July 12, 2018 by k

As part of our ongoing series with our own correspondent DJ THINK NOISE, this week’s issue explores how we knew about Super Dark before it was cool.

sko

“That paper don’t know shit about shit!” exerts DJ THINK NOISE, referring to The Alt’s local issue highlighting the Super Dark Collective with a cover story (http://thealt.com/tags/super-dark-collective/).

“I tell you that Metroland (sic) don’t know about anything cool until it’s all over the papers! We wrote articles about Shane and Chris the Super Dark fudgey brownies long before they was doing all this music and booking hoo-ha and were just trying to make their own little Brown Cuts Neighbors records!”

“First there was the 51 3rd, than your NFI, than your Benson collective, and now we got this. But it ain’t nothin new to old THINK NOISE. I been spinnin and punkin and spittin on posers like Metroland [sic] since before they was an Alt, and I’ll be here when they gone.”

“They still don’t say shit about the real shit round here, the HILL HAINTS and the MOON WORSHIP and the CANDY AMBULANCE and the goddamned super fuckin great BURNT HILLS, so they don’t know shit and they still ain’t cool! Sayin they good buddies with the Super Dark doan fool old THINK NOISE and it ain’t never gonna. The Super Dark super underground always gonna be too cool to put in real print, and they can say they know but they don’t know shit bout shit! Back in the 90’s when the alternative started we’d just shake our heads an say ‘alternative to what?’ Goddamn posers movin in making money on our punk scene…”

He went on to ramble for another twenty minutes or so before passing out drunk on Lark Street around 10AM, but he (as usual) just repeated what he’d said above using a couple different phrases and sentences and continuously blurring the lines between the old Metroland, the Alt, the Benson collective, the Super Dark collective, and some old shit no one’s heard of or mentioned in decades like Flipped Out, Noreaster Failed Industries, No More Labels, Hoex records, etc… Even we’re not old school cool enough to know what the fuck he was talking about.

In all seriousness the rest of the staff here at Times Boredom is overjoyed to see a real paper doing a cover story about the Super Dark Collective, and we only hope this will spark even more media coverage of the great works they do and the local bands they’ve helped bring attention and gigs to over the past few years. Congrats Super fudgey Dark brownies and more tastey success in Saratoga and elsewhere!

Times Boredom scores interview with NY Gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon!

Posted on May 21, 2018 by k

Believe it or not, our own little cottage blog site scored an interview with Cynthia Nixon! Apparently she wants to take the ‘hip, local, sustainable underground road’ to interacting with the media. Take that, legitimate news publications! This interview was totally conducted at a fancy restaurant in the fancy part of downtown Manhattan where Ms. Nixon agreed to buy us a super elegant lunch with cocktails and everything.

images

TB: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview Ms. Nixon! And especially for buying us top shelf booze.

CN: It’s a pleasure. I’m tired of talking to mainstream media outlets that so often question my qualifications, lie about poll numbers and my chances of winning, etc. I’m gonna win this race, and I feel that under the radar small media enterprises such as your own are going to help me by publishing the actual truth to the actual, real, hardworking people that matter. Who, by the way, I’m one of!

TB: Super! Can I have another double Balvenie?

CN: Of course. But I think you should ask the waitress.

TB: Right. You’re the one running for Governor. Forgive me I’m a little drunk and you’re dressed so simply yet formally. I know my paper’s gone all viral lately but seriously we were nobodies a week ago and all the free booze…

CN: Yes I understand and I appreciate your (rolls eyes derisively) shall we say ‘keepin it real’ attire (laughs charmingly). Can we discuss my candidacy please? (laughs charmingly)

TB: Right. So most recently you held a press conference to highlight how the subway doesn’t run great and how it’s Cuomo’s fault.

CN: That’s correct. Under Cuomo’s leadership…

TB: Awesome. You know you’re running for Governor right, not head of the MTA?

CN: Yes but the L train has been late…

TB: Great, but Governors don’t make the trains run on time last I checked…

CN: Ok, I see that legendary wit that made your paper a force to be reckoned with (wags finger playfully).

TB: Um ok. Another drink please?

CN: Another issue I believe strongly in is hashtag rent justice.

TB: You don’t have to say ‘hashtag’ out loud. I can print that.

CN: Too many of our over 9 million New Yorkers are facing sky high rents and evictions…

TB: Um there’s over 18 million of us…

images (1) CN Really? My publicist swears there’s only around 9… Oh I guess some people count Long Island too…

TB: Awesome. Again, you do know you’re running for Governor, not Mayor of New York City?

CN: In any case the rent is just too damn high…

TB: Where have I heard that before?

CN: I don’t know. The New Yorker perhaps? Haha I’m so charmingly cultured but I care about poor people that face eviction too you know. But seriously, I only read the New Yorker. And of course Cosmo and Redbook guiltily (laughs charmingly). Oh lighten up I’m being ironic! I read the Times too… when I have the time!

TB: Yeah, even some of those, tee-hee, charming papers have noted your lack of qualifications to hold any public office… much less one of the most powerful in the country.

CN: Well that’s short sighted. When did Donald Trump ever hold public office before being President?

TB: Wait, are you saying that you think Trump’s doing a good job as President?

CN: Of course not. It’s just that we’re living in a post-‘politician as career civil servant’ era. Welcome to the Warholian ‘if you’re famous for more than 15 minutes you get to run the country era’. No, but of course I hate Trump since I’m a woman and a New Yorker. That’s why I think we absolutely need to legalize marijuana.

TB: Ok hold on there; perhaps we’re not as politically or rhetorically astute as you here at Times Boredom, but didn’t you just completely change the subject from your qualifications to note that you’re an untraditional candidate by first spouting a bunch of pretentious nonsense and then taking a currently noncontroversial stance on a traditionally controversial issue?

CN: No of course not darling. It’s about black people. They smoke the most marijuana and get in the most trouble for it which I think is just dreadful. Being a lesbian, I know how black people suffer.

TB: What the fuck are you talking about? What on earth makes you think you could hold the highest political office in New York State and do a halfway decent job of it?

CN: I was on Sex and the City. And like I said, I’m a lesbian.
Which reminds me, Indians said we should buy seventh generation paper towels…

TB: Damn it, I’m starting to feel like your absolute nonsense is sobering me up. This is legitimately scary. So basically you’re a lesbian that was on a popular tv show years ago, and you think that somehow makes you qualified or capable or just an ‘outside the beltway’ rebel?

CN: I’ve also lived in New York all my life. I know this island like the back of my hand. Which is why I feel very strongly that illegal immigrants should all be given licenses.

TB: New York State is bigger than Manhattan! Are you actually running for Governor or just being a social commentator on poverty and environmental issues that don’t affect you or your rich famous friends for some rich person magazine that only you and your rich famous friends read in Manhattan?

CN: Where are you from again?

TB: Albany! The capital of New York State! You know if you actually became Governor you’d have to at least visit here like other Governors have before you…

CN: Oh everyone knows no Governor’s left Manhattan overnight since Koch. But honestly I thought you were a player; your lack of ironic indifference when it comes to actual significant power and affecting the lives of millions of people makes me think you have some sort of conscience. Which I cannot in good taste as a taste making fake political office seeker support. Therefore, I’m leaving you with the bill. And if you even think about publishing one word of this ill advised conversation I’ll sue you and your entire NY tit sucking capital city for the millions we generously donate you hicks every year (I must remember to fire that new communications director Sara Koenig – what was I thinking?). Ta! Vote Nixon or don’t — it’s all just a futile publicity stunt anyway. And stop taking things so seriously!

Never a dull moment on Hill Haints’ new release, the ‘Carcinogen’ ep

Posted on May 15, 2018 by k

There is never a dull moment on Hill Haints’ newest seamlessly ecclectic yet entirely original ep ‘Carcinogen’.

hhc

Though it will probably never be labeled noise rock, it’s certainly firmly in the wonderful meta-tradition of the way that classical noise rock challenges you to wonder where the noise ends and rock begins. But fortunately it forgoes unfortunate traditional noise rock facets such as improvisations and unending ten + minute bouts of feedback or other uninteresting lengthy nonsensical ill-fitting passages. Instead, every part of Carcinogen feels masterfully crafted and timed to perfection. Every instrument is firing on all cylinders at every moment you hear it. As soon as an instrument drops out, you can rest assured it’ll come back at exactly the precise moment it’s meant to in full force and get you going even further! It sounds as though the band has been working and reworking every part of this ep for years. Like I said, never a dull moment!

Honestly, you can’t really label it anything other than Hill Haints. While you can certainly hear the eclectic mix of influences (most strongly those of the Birthday Party and the Cramps), every collaborative piece of the total package on this recording is genuinely and originally the Hill Haints. Okay, for purposes which no current underground music act can escape they do refer to themselves as garage and no wave, but we think both of those labels are insufficient without at least something like ‘sludgebilly’ thrown into the description.

hhh
And this is a recording that sharply highlights the contribution of every bandmember. Drummer Skip Piper begins the tracks with heralding intros that then strike head on into fast driving punk rock beats. Bassist Kat Celentano alternately brings the driving garage lines and/or fuses an extra layer of fuzz noise and/or leads a track; whatever’s appropriate for the composition at hand. Unfortunately, this reviewer is unable to distinguish between which guitarist plays which part, but the interplay of Jonathan Hanson and E.S. Cormac calls to mind the sickening twisted melodic spurts of Rowland S. Howard overlaid with effects laden accents reminscent of, dare I say, the Stone Roses(?!) Hell yeah, they even seamlessly incorporate elements of shoegaze into this melange of propulsive noise!

Cormac’s vocals certainly challenge the notion of traditional pop/rock singing. Words are spoken and garbled and shouted and preached and thrown through a series of effects; alternately resembling Lux Interior, Jim Heath, and even Johnny Cash but always distinctly E.S. Cormac.

If only we had the lyrics I’m sure we’d be able to enjoy it more, but we don’t want to insert our interpretations of words we may be hearing wrong and enjoying the way we already hear them. It’s also unclear from the bandcamp page (https://hillhaints.bandcamp.com/album/carcinogen) how, where, and by whom this recording was done, but it presses all the right buttons at all the right times so you can hear every instrument loud and clear over a background of constant yet subtle noise.

The end most fitting to this review is to alert this garage/no wave/sludgebilly band that we anxiously anticipate hearing their next recording and can only hope it’s longer so we have more to gush over!