“We have here today a panel of experts, community leaders, and government liasons to determine whether or not to approve the motion to merge bands ‘Hill Haints’ and ‘Che Guevara T-Shirt’ to form “Hill Guevara Haints T”.
First on our panel is local media master, mc, promotions and all around scene god Shane Sanchez.
“It’s nice to be here Scott. And thanks for all the Superdark love. I certainly wouldn’t call myself a god of anything…”
“Get over it Shane, we worship you. Here in the Capital District, you’ve accomplished way more in terms of setting up shows and bringing out and together and promoting great music and acts than anyone in over twenty years, so can the modesty!
Next on the panel is scene queen Caitlin Barker representing local grunge punk rulers Candy Ambulance.”
CB: “Nice to be here Scott. You’re a fuckin creep.”
“Indeed I am! Also here representing both local death-a-billy noise band Moon Worship and Funeral Doom heroes Fucking Christ is ‘JJ'”
JJ: “I am going to slowly torture you Scott for bringing me here… Flay off your skin and eat it…”
“Ok finally, here to represent local government is fun killing bureaucrat Grendel Moses. And at the desk are reps from both bands seeking the merger; E.S. Cormac from Hill Haints and k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt. Why are you guys looking to merge?”
E.S.:”Well Scott, we both played a show together recently, and there was just so much mutual love and admiration. And there has been for awhile now. So we figured, hey, let’s do an in the fishtank kind of thing. It could spread like a… Carcinogen!”
“And we’ve got a plug on the board! Nice one E.S.! We’d like to remind everyone here to download the excellent groundbreaking new Hill Haints album ‘Carcinogen’ at https://hillhaints.bandcamp.com/album/carcinogen!
Now Keith, why do they call you fat Matt?”
KS: “What? I’ve never heard anyone call me that”
“They do it behind your back. Probably because you’re indistinguishable from your better looking, much fitter twin brother Matt Heuston who also plays guitar and sings in your band other than the fact that you’re fuckin fat. And you’re a total asshole.”
KS: “Fuck you too Scott.”
“I love to hate on this guy! Can we hear from our panel?”
CB: “Well I’d just like to say that even though ‘People Are Deceitful’, ‘I Feel Fantastic’ about this merger'”
“Oh Doctor! It looks like we’ve got two plugs in one sentence from Caitlin Barker! Let’s remind the audience… quiet your cheers everyone… that’s better, that the albums mentioned can be downloaded at https://candyambulance.bandcamp.com/track/people-are-deceitful and https://candyambulance.bandcamp.com/album/i-feel-fantastic! Yes, let’s cheer some more!”
KS: “I’d like to interject that this merger might ‘7 out, pay the don’ts’, Scott!”
“That was terrible fat Matt. I’m not even going to tell people where to get your new album because of how shameless and unrelated that plug was.”
GM: “Mr. Koenig, if I may…”
“Yes boring old farty bureaucrat Grendel Moses…”
GM: “I’m in favor of this merger so long as both bands stop playing separately. That way there will be less fun, less shows, less music, etc.”
E.S.: “No way dude, we rock when we wanna rock how we wanna rock and no one’s gonna stop us.”
KS: “Yeah! Um, dude!”
GM: “Well then I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill this merger right now. And I have that authority given that no one else here actually does have any ability to approve or dissaprove of mergers. Motion denied. Go home you stinkin kids! Clear the courtroom my fellow bureaucratic thugs!”
“And the audience does not like this! They are throwing chairs and sodas and bowties and chanting for blood! Panel members are being led safely out by authorities…”
SSS: “The scene will rise again! You can’t hold us down forever!”
GM: “No, but I can right now. And given the increasing trends of even young people not having any interest in going out to see live music, form bands, support local music, etc. I’m quite sure I’m winning this war. Motion denied. Old farts that hate rock win again.”
Is fun hating old disgusting bureaucrat Grendel Moses, pictured above, right? Are you, dear reader, going to go to a show this weekend or the next to see one of the great bands mentioned above? Or are you tired? Is your Netflix queue too large? Are you using children as your excuse? Will you click a couple of the bandcamp links and spend twenty minutes listening to the great music increasingly coming out in the Capital District? Let’s find out!