“We get compared to Ministry and The Cramps alot, but our formative influences are really Aztec Camera and the Housemartins” claims lead vocalist and bass player ‘Black Jack Cassidy’ (Kevin). “I know I write songs like ‘Rat City’ and ‘Here Comes Hell’ about stuff like bomb trains exploding and killing hundreds of people, but I can’t help being a dark person. I really just try to write pop songs that make people happy.”

Drummer ‘Chainsaw’ (Jason) claims to fuel the dark fire on this score. “Oh man I
hate that twee pop shit. So whenever Kevin plays some pop riff and ‘oo oo oo I
love you’ shite, I pound the fuck out of my drums and symbols Swans style. This in
turn causes Finch and Cottonmouth to turn up and add a bunch of cool noisey stuff, and then forces Kevin to crank the distortion and start screaming about the fucked up shit in his head.”

“All I ever really wanted was to write another pop gem like the Smithereens ‘A Girl
Like You’ or, better yet, the Cardigans ‘Lovefool’. Those are great tunes. I wish
we weren’t such a dark band.”

See the pop darkness tonight at Paulys Hotel!

Local pervert Scott Koenig recently saw his first Candy Ambulance show and was
impressed.

“I usually go to punk shows to ogle the 2 or 3 ladies there. But my friend Rob
said ‘there’s this band that’s been playing a bunch of shows where the lead singer
is a hot female!’.” Expecting to just lewdly stare, Scott was pleasantly
surprised; “believe it or not, despite the fact that she was hot, I was watching
the band! They were actually really good! I’ve gone to see them just for their
music several times since then. And I’m a little embarassed to say this, but the dudes in the band are pretty hot too…”

Caitlin Barker is no stranger to sexist objectification at her shows. “Being an
attractive woman onstage is definitely an asset for a struggling band, but it’s
also a good incentive for people to come see our band and appreciate our music. I
mean, what do you have with just a hot female lead singer and no decent
songwriting? Jefferson Airplane? They fuckin suck.” At this point Caitlin goes
off on a tangent; “Then of course there was Jefferson Starship which was even
worse, and then fucking Starship which was just wrinkly pop garbage. We Built This City is definitely a funny song, but it’s funny in a haha you’re band is really
stupid kind of way. And Grace Slick was barely even hot anymore at that point.
Lord knows how they kept having hits. Have you heard that song from Mannequin? Just a terrible, awful piece of crap band.”

“I’ve heard nothing but good things about them.” claimed local scenester Mike
Firth. “And I’ve met them all and they’re cool guys. I can’t imagine their music
and energy isn’t awesome. Their leather jackets and patches are always
on point too.”

When asked why he’d never been to one of their shows, he replied “I’m a drunken fuckup. I have too many DUI’s to drive myself to see them, and none of my friends will drive me after I’ve puked in their car too many times.”

Brendan, the bass guitar player for Neutron Rats, expressed surprise. “Mike’s seen us a
dozen times. Though admittedly sometimes he’s puking in the bathroom. He must’ve
just been too drunk to remember.”

Local darkwave mainstay Bare Mattress has actually refused to play a show in the Capital District for the first time.  Local hardcore band leader X. Vox was disappointed.

“We really needed an opener, and I asked Jay.  He says, dude, Hans will play any show, he’s awesome.  And then the guy says no!”

“I had nothing against the band or the show,” insists Hans, lead singer of Bare Mattress; “I just had 2 other shows to play that night.  I’ll play with them next time though.”

Though Hans typically plays 7 nights a week, he admits to enjoying time off now and then.  “Wednesday I didn’t have a gig and it was really cool.  I ordered some Chinese food and played Grand Theft Auto.  I’m thinking of taking at least one night off a week from now on.”