Professors of political science, grammar, diction, cognitive science and a whole host of other disciplines have recently completely abandoned trying to understand statements from President Donald Trump. Instead, they are moving on to other powerful politicians such as Governor Andrew Cuomo who they feel will be much easier to understand. However, so far they’re still having lots of trouble.
“It was simply too difficult.” says Professor Emeritus of cognitive science at SUNY Albany Jane Loftus of interpreting Trumpspeak. “We ran his statements through all kinds of algorithms, simulators, conducted focus groups, and even used recently developed EEG’s of how heuristics analysis of damaged brain waves may cause someone to say something that sounds like nonsense but has actual meaning to their mind, and no dice. Trump speak is uninterpretable.”
Most academics, like Dr. Loftus, have therefore moved on to analyzing more local politicians, but it turns out there are similar issues there as well.
“So we took New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo to try to start with something easy, as he’s been an outspoken critic of many of Trump’s vague statements and policy positions, as far as he can interpret them. Turns out Cuomo’s statements are almost equally unintelligible. Take for instance a quote from a recent statement by Governor Cuomo:
“What this says is the case was not legal. It was overturned because it was not legal. So, if you’re using the legal system to quote-unquote reform government, you have to do it legally.
But there’s no question that the effort to reform government and clean up Albany and change the rules, that’s exactly right.”
That last sentence alone caused our computers to crash.”
But there may be hope yet. Dr. Loftus has informed us that she plans to collaborate with Political Science Professor Stephen Koenig from the University at Buffalo who has some controversial theories on what he calls ‘Politspeak’.
“Essentially, politicians of the past 20 years or so no longer speak what you and I would commonly refer to as English. Much like the much discredited though in my opinion valid E-bonics language, in order to survive and communicate as a politician you learn a completely different language that uses some English words in nonsensical and grammatically incorrect ways to convey your points. I ran the Cuomo statement through my algorithm and came up with the following translation;
“The recent legal decision to overturn the Skelos conviction was based on a corrupt system of justice whereby as long as corrupt actions can somehow get around being illegal by using legalese no one but corrupt, rich lawyers can understand, they cannot be prosecuted. Of course I don’t want to say this directly or formally so I have to couch my words in complete nonsense. Especially since you’re putting me on the spot here. Prevarication, something that sounds like something but actually means nothing, etc.
Also I want to mention that me and my cronies are still pretending to reform the corrupt system from which we benefit so much. So the take away here is that I will continue to pretend to try to change the fact that fucked up illegal shit by rich politicians and politically connected people doesn’t have any legal consequences. But honestly I don’t want to talk shit about my good buddies who did that fucked up shit and totally got mad paid and totally got away with it. That’s actually fuckin cool with me.”