Super Dark to announce IPO

The Saratoga Springs based production company, media enterprise, promotions firm, booking agent, record label, etc. known as ‘Super Dark’ collective has announced that it has attained enough fame and financial success to formally go public within the next year.

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Begun in 2013, the original aim of the company was to make exceedingly fudgey brownies. “Well, we looked at the capital district market for baked goods and just thought it was all too light and fluffy. There were blondies, cookies, cake brownies, angel food, etc.” says Super Dark founder Shane Sanchez. “None of them were dark enough for our tastes. Hence ‘super dark’ collective.”

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“However, we quickly realized that Sweet Sue ran the baked goods racket in this town with an iron fist. We knew we couldn’t compete, so we decided to just do what every Fortune 500 company that started in the 21st century did; promote local rock music!”

Ever since, the Super Dark label has made its mark everywhere there’s independent music in the Capital District and beyond. Every band from Saratoga and Glens Falls that’s sold a over a hundred thousand records in the past year are owned, represented, booked, and/or promoted by the Super Dark collective. The most recent enterprise of this financial juggernaut is a radio show, sure to become a radio station in no time at all.

“Before Super Dark, there was music in the Capital District;” says local pervert Scott Koenig, “it’s just that no one knew about it. Super Dark found a way to publicize and support local music in a way that no one since, well… I was gonna say Metroland or the Alt but they both totally sucked at promoting good music… ever has done before. And to make millions doing it!”

Don’t forget to call your broker and put a buy order in for Super Dark Collective Stock (NASDAQ symbol: SDCS) as soon as it’s available!

Sun Natives too fuckin cool

facebook_1507910145204Sun Natives — who are they and how’d they get so fuckin cool?

Local government planner/ killer of rock music Grendel Moses is concerned about new Albany rock band Sun Natives. “I don’t like the looks of em.  They look good, they sound good, they play this beautifully textured ambient psychedelic soundscape with a minimum of pretention, and now they’ve got this adorable new female singer.  Worse yet, they’re so fuckin mysterious and cool!  Where did they come from?  I told my people I need all the info they can gather on this band so we can stop them from getting people to come out to see their frankly excellent look and sound.”

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Old Coot DJ Think Noise is also concerned; “So I’m sittin there with all my old buds debating the structions versus the brevators, and these fuckin kids with their glassy eyes just plug in their guitars and start playing” says old coot DJ Think Noise.  “And they just blow us all away.  It’s not fair that these guys came out of nowhere, nobody knows them, they haven’t been around for 20 years, and they rule.  They need to be stopped!”

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Experts struggle to interpret statements from Governor Cuomo

Professors of political science, grammar, diction, cognitive science and a whole host of other disciplines have recently completely abandoned trying to understand statements from President Donald Trump.  Instead, they are moving on to other powerful politicians such as Governor Andrew Cuomo who they feel will be much easier to understand.  However, so far they’re still having lots of trouble.

“It was simply too difficult.” says Professor Emeritus of cognitive science at SUNY Albany Jane Loftus of interpreting Trumpspeak.  “We ran his statements through all kinds of algorithms, simulators, conducted focus groups, and even used recently developed EEG’s of how heuristics analysis of damaged brain waves may cause someone to say something that sounds like nonsense but has actual meaning to their mind, and no dice.  Trump speak is uninterpretable.”

Most academics, like Dr. Loftus, have therefore moved on to analyzing more local politicians, but it turns out there are similar issues there as well.

“So we took New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo to try to start with something easy, as he’s been an outspoken critic of many of Trump’s vague statements and policy positions, as far as he can interpret them.  Turns out Cuomo’s statements are almost equally unintelligible.  Take for instance a quote from a recent statement by Governor Cuomo:

“What this says is the case was not legal. It was overturned because it was not legal. So, if you’re using the legal system to quote-unquote reform government, you have to do it legally.

But there’s no question that the effort to reform government and clean up Albany and change the rules, that’s exactly right.”

That last sentence alone caused our computers to crash.”

But there may be hope yet.  Dr. Loftus has informed us that she plans to collaborate with Political Science Professor Stephen Koenig from the University at Buffalo who has some controversial theories on what he calls ‘Politspeak’.

“Essentially, politicians of the past 20 years or so no longer speak what you and I would commonly refer to as English.  Much like the much discredited though in my opinion valid E-bonics language, in order to survive and communicate as a politician you learn a completely different language that uses some English words in nonsensical and grammatically incorrect ways to convey your points.  I ran the Cuomo statement through my algorithm and came up with the following translation;

“The recent legal decision to overturn the Skelos conviction was based on a corrupt system of justice whereby as long as corrupt actions can somehow get around being illegal by using legalese no one but corrupt, rich lawyers can understand, they cannot be prosecuted.  Of course I don’t want to say this directly or formally so I have to couch my words in complete nonsense.  Especially since you’re putting me on the spot here. Prevarication, something that sounds like something but actually means nothing, etc.

Also I want to mention that me and my cronies are still pretending to reform the corrupt system from which we benefit so much.  So the take away here is that I will continue to pretend to try to change the fact that fucked up illegal shit by rich politicians and politically connected people doesn’t have any legal consequences. But honestly I don’t want to talk shit about my good buddies who did that fucked up shit and totally got mad paid and totally got away with it.  That’s actually fuckin cool with me.”

The Times Union officially announces it hates teachers

The Times Union recently posted a story blaming New York States’ teachers for its many fiscal woes.

UntitledThey based this story on a study conducted jointly by Satan and the Koch brothers’ research organization known as “Fuck the working and middle class and give us their money”.

“Our research found that there is no problem paying administrators like our friends Joe 1 million dollars to do absolutely nothing but harass hard working teachers.  In fact, our data-y statisticals convincingly proved everyone that actual teachers suck and get paid way too much and that’s why your taxes are so high.

We further proved by talking to our friend Joe in Administration that teachers statistically speaking are jerks and are ruining your children’s lives and you should pay those assholes less than minimum wage and me more (Joe, 2017). ”

Despite the sketchy background of the not for profit research organization that receives more in tax breaks than it costs to pay several thousand teachers, the Times Union saw fit to bolster their claims by posting an article with headlines concluding that their research was ‘truth’.

“Fuck the middle class and the working class and give us their money is a reputable research organization according to our CEO Joe.  Also, the Times Union would like to reinstate its opinions that all Unions everywhere are terrible and we’re glad we fired ours and any organization that still has a Union is scientificistally and researchably more expensive and kills your children (Joe, 2017). “

Moon Worship: Dark band, totally nice guys

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Local death-a-billy band Moon Worship has earned a reputation for brutality due to their abrasive Swans-esque sound and sphinxlike Cramps-esque onstage personas. But nothing could be further from the truth offstage.

I recently caught up with my old friend Jason, drummer for the band.

“Hey Scott, how you doin old buddy?”

“Good! Nice to see you again.”

“Super! So, I really liked your recent article on Che Guevara T-Shirt…”

“Actually I didn’t write that one…”

“Shutup. So I noticed that that was around the night my band released a kickass record and had a huge record release party at the Low Beat, and you barely mentioned it…”

“Like I said, I didn’t write it. It was Caitlin from…”

“Duder, don’t give a shit. Listen asshole, my band is the shit, and you’re writing articles about two bit Unwound wanna bes? What the fuck?”

“Sorry JJ, it’s just that…”

“Just nothing! I kicked your skinny little ass all over junior high, and I’ma show you what real pain is now if you don’t do something to remedy this.”

“W-what do you want?”

“Ok, so one of 2 things is gonna happen. One is you write an article about my band, how great our new record is, how awesome our show was, mention my record label, what a nice bunch a chaps we are, yada yada.

Or 2, and remember i know where you live, I come to your house in the middle of the night. I inject you with a paralyzing agent, then I wake you so you can watch while I flay the skin off your arms. Next, I remove your arm bones and use them as fucking drum sticks. Am I clear?”

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So like I said, Moon Worship, great band of super nice guys! Great new record Blood on Blonde available now on Raining Records! Super awesome record release show! Go see them and buy their album! Please!

Che Guevara T-Shirt has a big secret

Local pervert Scott Koenig spent last Friday night (as usual) stalking Candy Ambulance frontwoman Caitlin Barker at her favorite local rock club.

“She routinely picks up dudes here, and I’m just hoping one of these times she’ll be drunk enough to pick me. Usually she tends to go for dudes that are good looking, under 40, and not really fat though.”

But this past Friday night things got very serious when he overheard her spilling some terrifying gossip to a young male model looking dude. Granted he didn’t hear very well between her drunken slurred speech, the loud rock music, and the fact that he was trying to maintain his stalking distance, but here’s what he made out:

“That band Che Guevara T-Shirt has a big secret… and it’s not what you’re expecting…”

FB_IMG_1463750895529                                                                     Che Guevara T-Shirt; what are they hiding?!

Male model looking dude: “who the fuck are Che Guevara T-Shirt?”

“I can’t let on exactly what I know… it’s killing me to keep this inside… desperate… have to tell someone…”

“No seriously who the fuck is..”

“Shhh, we don’t have much time and we may not be safe talking about it. I’m telling you, this thing goes all the way to the fucking top, man! You know how CGT is unheard of here in the US and their shows are completely unattended, but for some reason they have thousands of fans in India, Pakistan, and the Middle East? No coincidence man! The U.S. military…”

(music gets louder and Scott can barely hear)

“counterintelligence sleeper agents… semi-legal extraditions for drug cartel bosses in exchange for… reverse honeypot schemes… classic backhanded espionage misdirection and… oh god, there’s Keith! Don’t look! Quick, we have to get out of here!”

Ms. Barker has not been seen in public since this incident.

However, we have it on good authority here at Times Boredom that all will be revealed by CGT themselves at Pauly’s Hotel on June 9th, followed shortly by another Superdark announcement for Capital District north in Saratoga at One Caroline’s June 12th. You’ll have to go to hear it for yourselves. And it just might save you and your children’s lives!

Candy Ambulance keeps their clothes on in Albany

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Local pervert Scott Koenig was disappointed to see Glens Falls pop punk band Candy Ambulance with their clothes on last Thursday at the Low Beat. He sat down to interview lead singer/guitarist Caitlin Barker on this issue after the show.

CB: “To be frank Scott, we saw you in the audience. And, well, you make us very uncomfortable. So we made a collective decision to keep all our clothes on.  Even after we got really sweaty.”

SK: “What do you mean? How do I make you uncomfortable.”

CB: “I’m up here Scott. Scott… Scott! Stop staring at my boobs! That’s what I mean!”

SK: “Oh. I get it. Can I still look at Jesse’s pecks?”

CB: “Wow. You are such a fucking creep. I’m gonna go… talk to someone else now.”

The rest of the crowd at the show went wild and enjoyed the high energy punk rock band’s songs and antics (regardless of the amount of clothing worn) immensely. A good time was had by all other than sad old perverted Scott.