Candy Ambulance keeps their clothes on in Albany

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Local pervert Scott Koenig was disappointed to see Glens Falls pop punk band Candy Ambulance with their clothes on last Thursday at the Low Beat. He sat down to interview lead singer/guitarist Caitlin Barker on this issue after the show.

CB: “To be frank Scott, we saw you in the audience. And, well, you make us very uncomfortable. So we made a collective decision to keep all our clothes on.  Even after we got really sweaty.”

SK: “What do you mean? How do I make you uncomfortable.”

CB: “I’m up here Scott. Scott… Scott! Stop staring at my boobs! That’s what I mean!”

SK: “Oh. I get it. Can I still look at Jesse’s pecks?”

CB: “Wow. You are such a fucking creep. I’m gonna go… talk to someone else now.”

The rest of the crowd at the show went wild and enjoyed the high energy punk rock band’s songs and antics (regardless of the amount of clothing worn) immensely. A good time was had by all other than sad old perverted Scott.

Bullying based on gender currently beyond not cool in New York: it’s ILLEGAL

The Times Union reports that “The state Education Department is reminding public school districts statewide that state and local law affords protections from discrimination and harassment to transgender students.”

Education Commissioner MaryEllen Elia recently made a statement to further clarify the law: “Despite orders from Trump to reinstate bullying based on gender, we in New York are sticking to our laws.  It’s not ok to call a boy a ‘sissy’ or a girl a ‘tomboy’.  If you must bully a boy for being bad at sports, call him a ‘wuss’ or a ‘weakling’.  If you must bully a girl for being good at sports, call her a ‘jock’ or ‘non-princess’.”

State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, citing the state’s Dignity for All Students Act, reinforced these statements by saying: “Seriously bullies, just don’t be morons. Fairy, pussy, dyke, butch; these words are not cool.  Bullies need to be aware that making fun of other kids’ for transgender behavior is illegal.  So if you’re gonna demand lunch money and they won’t give it to you, call them shithead, um, fuckface, or, you know, fatass if they’re fat, dumbass if they’re dumb, before you punch them or, better yet, just give them an Indian burn.”

“‘Indian’ burn’s not cool Eric.” pipes in Elia.

“Oh right, sorry, titty twister then…”

“You are so going to be forced to resign.”

“Yeah you’re right.  Fuck this.  I’m going to work for Trump where I can say whatever fuckin racist, sexist, or just plain nutbag shit that comes out of my mouth whenever I want.  Thanks you maggot eating twatface.”

“I’m with you you monkey raping shit for brains!”

Elia and Schneiderman have since announced they’re applying to work for that corpse fucking batshit crazy fuckhead called President Trump.

 

 

 

State worker to rule Somalia

Mohamed A. Mohamed, former Prime Minister of Somalia and interim state DOT employee, has been selected to be President of Somalia.

When asked whether he’s still qualified to rule that an anarchic, war torn pseudo state, Mohamed replied;

“Dude, I’ve been working for New York State for years now.  Empty titles, futile assignments, despair over the inability to accomplish anything whatsoever no matter how small and insignificant… I’ve been there and back.  This will be a piece of cake.”

Old coot knows way more than you about Gay Tastee

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“These young cap dist punks don’t know shit about shit.” asserts cantankerous old fart DJ Think Noise, in what’s becoming a catchphrase of his regarding everyone and everything.

“Gay Tastee started it all! There was nothin in Albany till our very own Bob Dylan singin like Johnny Rotten broke the scene when he brought Beef up from Kinderhook.”

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TB: “I believe there was music in Albany before that…”

“Now you shut yr trap and listen to wizard THINK NOISE here! Now lemme see, it was about 97 I first saw Stephen. This was before the war you see. Beef played this old club called Valentines you never heard of, and after that all the grass in Albany music was green for years!

I remember cause I brought your grandma to all those shows and man did her pussy stink like a pig in shit! But the songwriting was great, the rockin was a rockin, the kids were all a boogyin…

After Beef broke up, around came Paraquat Earth Band, the Wasted, Stephen’s alter ego Gay Tastee, and every other great noisey rockin band cap dist ever heard! If it hadn’t been for Gay Tastee, you wouldn’t have your Phantogram, your Lady Goo goo, or your Beyonce and everyone oughtta know it.”

…Think Noise goes on like this for another hour.

Irregardless of this schizophrenic rant, Times Boredom agrees that Gay Tastee, aka Stephen Gaylord, heralded and inspired an excellent melange of a noisey rock scene years ago. And he’ll be back for a brief performance this afternoon. Happy hour at the Low Beat.

“If you miss it you won’t know yr history, you won’t know what all the good shit round here was inspired by, and you still won’t know shit about shit!”

Whores coming to Che Guevara t-Shirt show

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Atlanta, Georgia based noise-rockers Whores. will likely travel all the way to Albany to be in attendance Saturday night at Pauly’s Hotel for a Che Guevara T-Shirt show. Rumor has it that CGT was surprisingly given a guest list, and, not knowing what to do with it since they don’t have any fans, requested the names of the members of the loud as fuck Atlanta band.

“Well yeah, I guess we’ll go. I mean if it’s free and shit.” claimed lead singer-guitarist Christian Lembach.

“I’m actually pretty psyched to see Where’s Walden and OrborO. I hear they both rule. And I’ll thank Che Guevara T-Shirt for putting us on the guest list.” chimes in drummer Donnie Adkinson.

“Yeah, even though as a band, Che Guevara T-Shirt really sucks.” puts in bass guitarist Casey Maxwell. The other two band members nod in agreement.

Local pervert fondly remembers Girls of Porn

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“First time I saw Girls of Porn was at UAG. There was this really cute girl there that seemed really into it. I later hit on her and we totally hooked up. It was awesome.” recalls random drunk Scott Koenig.

TB: “What did you think of the band?”

“Uh… I don’t really remember. I know they were good enough to bring out the ladies though; there must have been at least 4 or 5 single women at that show! And I’m talking single; not dating the band, not married to some guy that likes the band, you know.”

TB: “Were you aware they recently reunited and played a show?”

“Oh yeah. I was totally there. But I found out the chick I met at the last show has since moved away so I didn’t get to hook up with her again. Pretty disappointed.”

Hill Haints to play 3 hour no noise rock opera

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The band that’s famous for playing balls to the wall noisey rockin 2 or 3 song fifteen minute sets now plans to break with tradition and play unbearably long rock operas with no improv or noise rock whatsoever.

“We got tired of all that progressive artsy post-punk stuff.” claims singer/guitarist E.S. Cormac. “I mean, the other bands and cool kids in the music scene really appreciated us, and it was artistically gratifying, but what we really want is to dress up and make some money.”

Hill Haints plan to fill their future shows with multiple costume changes, set designs, beautiful soaring harmonies and mutliple melodic guitar solos in the vein of art-rockers like Styx and Damn Yankees (member Damn Yankees?).