Old coot knows way more than you about Gay Tastee

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“These young cap dist punks don’t know shit about shit.” asserts cantankerous old fart DJ Think Noise, in what’s becoming a catchphrase of his regarding everyone and everything.

“Gay Tastee started it all! There was nothin in Albany till our very own Bob Dylan singin like Johnny Rotten broke the scene when he brought Beef up from Kinderhook.”

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TB: “I believe there was music in Albany before that…”

“Now you shut yr trap and listen to wizard THINK NOISE here! Now lemme see, it was about 97 I first saw Stephen. This was before the war you see. Beef played this old club called Valentines you never heard of, and after that all the grass in Albany music was green for years!

I remember cause I brought your grandma to all those shows and man did her pussy stink like a pig in shit! But the songwriting was great, the rockin was a rockin, the kids were all a boogyin…

After Beef broke up, around came Paraquat Earth Band, the Wasted, Stephen’s alter ego Gay Tastee, and every other great noisey rockin band cap dist ever heard! If it hadn’t been for Gay Tastee, you wouldn’t have your Phantogram, your Lady Goo goo, or your Beyonce and everyone oughtta know it.”

…Think Noise goes on like this for another hour.

Irregardless of this schizophrenic rant, Times Boredom agrees that Gay Tastee, aka Stephen Gaylord, heralded and inspired an excellent melange of a noisey rock scene years ago. And he’ll be back for a brief performance this afternoon. Happy hour at the Low Beat.

“If you miss it you won’t know yr history, you won’t know what all the good shit round here was inspired by, and you still won’t know shit about shit!”

Whores coming to Che Guevara t-Shirt show

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Atlanta, Georgia based noise-rockers Whores. will likely travel all the way to Albany to be in attendance Saturday night at Pauly’s Hotel for a Che Guevara T-Shirt show. Rumor has it that CGT was surprisingly given a guest list, and, not knowing what to do with it since they don’t have any fans, requested the names of the members of the loud as fuck Atlanta band.

“Well yeah, I guess we’ll go. I mean if it’s free and shit.” claimed lead singer-guitarist Christian Lembach.

“I’m actually pretty psyched to see Where’s Walden and OrborO. I hear they both rule. And I’ll thank Che Guevara T-Shirt for putting us on the guest list.” chimes in drummer Donnie Adkinson.

“Yeah, even though as a band, Che Guevara T-Shirt really sucks.” puts in bass guitarist Casey Maxwell. The other two band members nod in agreement.

Local pervert fondly remembers Girls of Porn

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“First time I saw Girls of Porn was at UAG. There was this really cute girl there that seemed really into it. I later hit on her and we totally hooked up. It was awesome.” recalls random drunk Scott Koenig.

TB: “What did you think of the band?”

“Uh… I don’t really remember. I know they were good enough to bring out the ladies though; there must have been at least 4 or 5 single women at that show! And I’m talking single; not dating the band, not married to some guy that likes the band, you know.”

TB: “Were you aware they recently reunited and played a show?”

“Oh yeah. I was totally there. But I found out the chick I met at the last show has since moved away so I didn’t get to hook up with her again. Pretty disappointed.”

Hill Haints to play 3 hour no noise rock opera

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The band that’s famous for playing balls to the wall noisey rockin 2 or 3 song fifteen minute sets now plans to break with tradition and play unbearably long rock operas with no improv or noise rock whatsoever.

“We got tired of all that progressive artsy post-punk stuff.” claims singer/guitarist E.S. Cormac. “I mean, the other bands and cool kids in the music scene really appreciated us, and it was artistically gratifying, but what we really want is to dress up and make some money.”

Hill Haints plan to fill their future shows with multiple costume changes, set designs, beautiful soaring harmonies and mutliple melodic guitar solos in the vein of art-rockers like Styx and Damn Yankees (member Damn Yankees?).

Bands not safe on social media after Trump election

“Ever since Trump was elected, it’s just not possible to be a band on Facebook anymore.” says local blogger Scott Koenig. “I mean, everyone’s either bitching about or celebrating Trump now. There’s no space for people that just want to rock out.”

“Take this show my witchdoom band Fucking Christ has coming up with Asa Morris and the Mess and Hill Haints. We’ve been reminding people like crazy about it, resharing the link to the Facebook event page over and over, but as soon as we re-post someone else is like ‘Trump is a racist you fascists!’ and then ‘Trump’s gonna revitalize America you libtards!’ And then our event’s all the way down the page as people start flame wars over every stupid fucking post about this giant asshole. I mean president.  Whatever.”

TB: “What do you have to say to all the people out there that are overloading social media with posts about Trump?”

SK: “Well, I know it’s all important and he’s either the destroyer of the world or the savior of the rednecks or whatever, but please, let there be rock! There should be a Trump free zone on social media where bands can speak their minds about local shows going on and ep’s being released that don’t get ignored just  because some less important stuff is going on.”

Albany sleeps through another great show

Albany, that drinking town with a government day-job problem, missed another great show last night. The Hill Haints kicked out the jams (as always) and intriguingly eclectic Buffalo band Facility Men brought down the house. An ear blastingly rock time was had by all who attended.

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Albany, as usual, got too drunk and didn’t make it.

“I’s lookins sthrough my facebook and just got so sad about the Indians (hiccup). I mean, America’s sthreatening to do to them what they’ve done to every other poor place in the country… (hiccup)… and sen everybody keeps going there on the facebook (hiccup) to upport sem against the facebook sheriff or whasever …(hiccup) and then they still lose the baseball!”

At this point Albany pauses and sobs a little, then closes its eyes for about five minutes while standing up.

“Scusem me, I gotta go file these folders about tosic waste in sa wrong drawer.”

Fear not Albany, luckily you can go on the facebook and see a couple songs from the show, faithfully recorded (as usual) by and on the page of our fearless promoter par excellence Jason Krak. And this after he just put on a huge kickass festival last weekend with bands and costumes and burlesque dancers and wings. Mad props to the MC in the Bad Brains T!

Notoriously self indulgent indie rock superstar masturbates on stage while Albany hipsters drool

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“So there I am enjoying another Naragansett on like a Tuesday night at the Low Beat, and all the cool kids show up to ruin it.” claims old coot DJ Think Noise. “And I mean all the cool kids. There was at least one member of every hipster indie band I hate there; the Che Guevara T-Shirts, the Black Ships, the Hill Haints, the Bare Mattresses, even the old Complicated Shirts! And I think to myself, what the fuck? Is some dude from Pearl Jam playin or some shit?”

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DJ Think Noise’s ignorance of indie rock is no excuse for us to fail to report objectively as we always do. A dude from Pearl Jam it was not. It was Neil Haggerty’s new band, who every media outlet that announced the show was obliged mention  (for those of you that weren’t cool enough to already know) was formerly in seminal bands Pussy Galore and Royal Trux. Have you ever heard of them? Neither had we. I guess we’re not as cool as all the bands we make fun of.

“So this dude from Nirvana starts playin this song and I’m like, ah hell this ain’t so bad. Then he starts soloing and he just don’t stop. And the other guy in the band just starts soloing too. And if that ain’t bad enough, I look over and realize he’s whipped it out! His hands are on his guitar and his free willy, and no one seems to care! Then this asshole keeps it up, just noodlin and jerkin and staring dead-eyed ahead and sayin ‘we da howlin hex!’. What a bunch of bullshit. Meantime all the cool kids are eatin it up cause he used to be in Third Eye Blind or whatever. Fuckin circle jerk tone deaf old hipster assholes.”

BungaWIZ festival to juxtapose an unholy mix of music & entertainment

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The ‘BungaWIZ festival’ this weekend has already been blaring contradictions and propagating confusion, with plenty more slated to come. The festival, which began last night in Laurens, New York (to baffle people who know where stuff is) and will continue through the weekend, has already changed its name and promoters several times.

The confusion will continue tonight, when a time slot has ‘Steve Perry; A loving tribute to Journey’ on the main stage facing off against the actual band Journey playing the side stage. Also scheduled for today is a bikini-kill tribute band on one stage contiguously with a bikini contest on an alternate stage. Rumor has it a neo-nazis for Hilary rally will break out, followed by a drum circle for understanding Trump. A number of tents and pamphleteers are holding pro-marijuana legalization seminars and rallies, each of which will be haunted by their own individual ghost of Nancy Reagan chanting ‘Jussssttt saayyyyy noooooo!!!! Jusstttt saaaayyyy noooo!’.

At least 3 Capital District bands are heading out to the festival, to be themselves confronted with alter egos and confusion. Progressive dance group the Krambis will be playing opposite Santa Claus, a group of homeless old bluegrass bikers that advertise free meth for all the naughty lipstick lesbians. The Krambis’ multi- instrumentalist Gene Wild assured Times Boredom: “We will be kicking those meth Santas asses both during and after our set. Peace and love muthafuckas!”

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Unreasonably talented band The Further Unsound are set to play a balls out rock set on one stage while on the opposite a recital for 3rd grade violinists full of overbearing overprotective parents in knitted sweaters will take place. Bass player Cole Riddering asserted: “First we’re gonna kick their asses sonically, then we’re gonna beat them all physically. Especially the parents. Gonna be good fun.”

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Marxist doom guerillas Che Guevara T-Shirt will face off against Mickey Mouse Baseball Cap, a corporate rock cover band that plays Foreigner, Fleetwood Mac, and Eagles tunes. “How many fuckin times do I have to say I hate the fuckin Eagles?!” whines CGT guitarist k. Sonin. “Hasta la vittoria siempre over crappy classic rock cover bands!  …I, um, don’t really speak Spanish.”

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In any case you can expect a clash of ideologies, a wild mix of rock, jam, and electronic dance music, and a whole lot of forbidden love between ravers, punks, and hippies. Bring an open mind and a closed six pack.

Candy Ambulance to reveal death-defying secret at show next Saturday

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We here at Times Boredom have it on good authority that a big secret will be revealed at the Putnam Den Saturday, August 13th, by grungy punk rock band Candy Ambulance. Therefore, we sent our entire team on crack to drum up the rumor mill in advance.

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DJ Think Noise thinks he has the scoop. “Those Satan worshippin pagans are finally gonna reveal what I’ve always known; all their songs are ripoffs of an early 2000s Albany band called Grain and the Gestalt. That free jazz hootenany of a band put out over 20 albums in 2 years, and Candy Ambulance simply ripped off the good ones and formed a band! I’ve been telling you all along!”

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Jorge Ninos’ research revealed a rumor of the more salacious variety; “Yeah, me and (drummer) Jon Cantiello are sort of an item. Though he won’t confirm it.”

TB:”What about the rumors that you’re carrying a love child?”

Ninos: “Those rumors will not be confirmed! Especially not when Jon won’t even change his relationship status on facebook!”

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Hardcore/punk correspondent xxSteve had a predictable response, after doing no actual research whatever: “Yeah, those assholes are going to admit that they’re fuckin poseurs! They don’t wear leather jackets with patches and think they’re better than everyone, so they’re not punk. They don’t dress blue collar, collectively weigh more than an elephant, and think they’re better than everyone so they’re not hardcore. Also anyone in the Capital District that isn’t friends with xxSteve or xxJoe, and doesn’t play xxJohn shows is a fuckin sell-out poseur. Though I really dig that chick that’s the lead singer. I’m a feminist and stuff; I really like Bikini Kill and Tori Amos…”

TB:”Ugh. Someone’s trying to act like a tough asshole but still get laid…”

xxSteve:”Shutup you fuckin poseur! If I see you at that show you’re fuckin dead!”

Jammin Jerry has an alternate wacked out theory. “At the show each of the members of Candy Ambulance will reveal their true forms. (Singer/guitar player) Caitlin will reveal that she is a wood nymph. (Bass player) Jesse Bolduc is actually a Satyr, and Jon is a beautiful long mained unicorn…”

xxSteve: “Are you talking to my nutjob younger brother? That jam band fucker has no right to make comments! He hasn’t been right since he, you know, smoked all that pot… and I’ll kick your ass twice for talking to him!”

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Local pervert Scott Koenig is more excited about the ‘secret’ to be revealed.

“Dude, I’ve known it for sometime. They’re finally going to admit they’re all nudists, and Candy Ambulance is going to play their entire set in the nude! Gonna be totally sweet!”

Guess you’ll just have to go to the show August 13th at the Putnam Den (again, our favorite local venue and proud sponsor! ok that last part was made up but we want to get in free!) to find out. And if you’re uninterested in awesome secrets or for some reason inimical to harmless inane satire, Bella’s Bartok and the Lucky Jukebox Brigade are also playing! Bring your cameras!