Eternal Crimes officially changes their microgenre nomenclature for Saturday show’s flyer

Note: this story was read but not edited back for fear that I’d get too deep into making the nonsensical structure try to make sense and be more clever than it actually is, thereby potentially derailing the article entirely and thus Times Boredom just published it as is in case you get a quick chuckle out of it without taking it at all seriously.  

ecvFor some time now Eternal Crimes has been uncomfortable with their ‘post-punk’ genre label. Benefits of the label of course include its all encompassing nature, covering everything from Joy Division to the Fall and even onto the Birthday Party (i.e. early goth, early lo-fi, early noise rock, etc.).

However, the label’s strength was also its weakness. Post punk was too broad to let people know that Eternal Crimes mixes elements of no wave, goblin vocals, darkwave, and even the still unlabelled unholy genre crossbreed of Gang of Four’s mix of post-punk with funk and dance music (that later came to be known as electro-clash when it was specifically in Brooklyn and before the massive decade long hangover that came to be known as post Yeah Yeah Yeah Strokes never really was even tongue in cheek good cool or funny but still with the fuckin kid who now I gotta support forever).

ecSo in order to let people that were too lazy to look them up on bandcamp or facebook but might want to see them play a live show know what they were like, Eternal Crimes recently began the process to transfer their genre to something more appropriate.

Several genres were kicked around, with a preference for ‘Death Rock’ finally being arrived at (for now). Death rock, if you’ll recall, is often associated with the Birthday Party and its adherents though it unfortunately frequently is also associated with garbage like Christian Death. And if we’re going to get pretentiously pedagogical here (as if we haven’t already) it will be noted that many took Death Rock as a genre way too far back to say, when the Shangrilas recorded the fantastic ‘Leader of the Pack’ seven inch penis which joined other early 60s rock phalluses that narrated a death story and/or scene (and that was a totally dumb exercise in futility. They shouldn’t have done that. But of course after tracing punk rock back to the early sixties now everyone does it with everything for fuck’s sake…)

How Eternal Crimes got to finally become a Death Rock band is a fascinating story that involves as much sex, drugs, and death as you’d probably expect:

Several years ago now, Eternal Crimes filled out Independent Rock form PR 43B. They were subsequently informed that they would have to fill out pre-43B form which was only available in certain temperate zones of post-California. After requesting a rewrite per procedures established under Hardcore v Emo 1987, a stay was remandered to the custody of the group in question under the relevant diatribes. A post-referral notice allowed Eternal Crimes to fill out PR 43B once more without harassment from the K Records division of influence over northeastern Australian Death punk. Whence a photo and press release were taken from evidence and labelled as such for individual members John Gill and Shane Michael Sanchez, Jr. it was revealed that lead singer Nico Jordan was specifically left out of said session as a result of his former time in cross-genre act Severe Severe. A motion to file was ensued, and in said time the sentence was added onto time served for the encryption resulting from aforementioned micro-labelling, hair product, and trouser length. Finally it was decided that in abatement of a rediscussion on Pitchfork Tapes Tapes Tapes and other giant conglomerate corporate Indie rock publication notices a notice would be served but not need to be notarized by a post-hardcore judge in normal guy attire. Once this was accomplished, it was a no scope bath trope towards indie landfill that saved the motion from being overwhelmed with potential darkwave or no wave status and thus rendered the verdict of the microgenre ‘Death Rock’ to stated group Eternal Crimes.

And so it was that Eternal Crimes became, for the purpose of their latest gig flyer, a Death Rock band. Congratulations to the group and we look forward to receiving their public notice fees for change orders in the future!

(c) Times Boredom is a fully licensed publicity entryway for micro-genre classification under the we don’t give a diy fuck anymore procedure of 2019

 

The coming Times Boredom apocalypse!

Dark clouds gather round the Capital District and beyond, out into
western Mass. Something terrible is on the horizon, and it will
destroy the scene as we know it. What it is, we cannot say. Where
it will come from, we have not been. How it will get here, there
are several options; could drive itself, take a bus, get a ride with
a friend, lyft, etc.

Point is the rumor mill is abuzz and we are all very concerned.
Times Boredom itself may be swallowed in the black hole that forms
from this tragic scene killing happening.

Point is we’re very afraid.  Hold us.

But for now, a word from our sponsors!

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“Howdy y’all! I’m Shane Sanchez of Super Dark Fudgey Brownies! My
great great great grandpappy passed down our super recipe to his
sister and then himself to bring you the fudgiest, tastiest, most
chocolately brownie you’ll ever eat. If you can find a fudgier
brownie, you must be in Moldova!”

sd

“That’s right Shane. Chris Brown here, Super dark chef du jour. We
pack so much fudge into our brownies nuts form spontaneously! But
don’t take my word for it, listen to some of our satisfied
customers:”

mr-cancelled

“I am Gary Ziroli from Mr. Cancelled,
and I have to say that without Super Dark’s delicious treats, I
never would have had the energy or the inspiration to make our
latest album,  Every Town Has its Dolls!  Order up a fresh Dark batch today!”

ygidbbb

“I’m k. Sonin from Che Guevara T-Shirt, and I’ve been asked by Shane
and Chris and everyone else at Super Dark to let you know that I
didn’t begin eating Super Dark brownies until after we recorded our
last album. That’s right, these delicious, one of a kind snack
treats that go so good with chocolate milk did not have any
influence whatsoever on all the terrible music I write or perform
with Che Guevara T-Shirt.  Che Guevara T-Shirt now comes with Kat from Hill Haints and Jen from Haley Moley!  It’s certain to be at least half decent with their talents added to cover up my terrible songwriting!  I’m being told to shut up now…”

dryers2“I am Bobby C from Dryer! You will eat
Super Dark brownies exclusively or I will come to your house, bite
your neck, and drain you of all your red red Poi! No other
chocolate dessert will do! Eat Super Dark or be eaten!”

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frenchman“Hello, I am a stinky frenchman stereotype from somewhere in ze France. I love the
stink almost as much as I love zee vin and zee noise! Have you ever gone to zee
ze Hill Haints and smelled that sweaty noise, only to crave more of
it zee next day? Well now you can! I have bottled zee essence of
sweaty punk rock show so you can smell like eet all ze time!”

hhh

“E.s. here from Hill Haints. We met this clearly farcical stereotype and thought this guy’s a fuckin freak, and here at Hill Haints, that’s our favorite kind of fan. And hell,
if he wanted to sniff our stink, we figgered let him!”

“Zat’s right sweaty long-haired tight black shirt yankee blue jeans rockin frontperson stereotype E.S.!  I made my formula from Hill Haints’ sweaty t-shirts and slacks after each of their gigs, wrung out the sweat and rock into buckets.  Then I cooked them inside of ze Hill Haints amplifiers at full volume feedback for 12 hours each.  Et voila! Ze smell of ze Hill Haints! Now available wherever you vind ze stinky frenchman stereotype punk rock essences!”

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1c

“Hi! Local pervert Scott Koenig here from Times Boredom! I know a
lot of you have been anticipating our ‘Times Boredom says my band
sucks’ t-shirts, however, we found that we could make a lot more
money through endorsements. Over the years, many folks have been
wondering how much and how strong the marijuana that fuels our
stupid jokes and nonsensical band reviews is. Well, we’re here
today to tell you that we are totally sober.”

sko

“DJ THINK NOISE here to tell you Scott don’t know shit about shit!
Shit, I get so high before I write anything I don’t know shit about
where my pants is or how I shit em but they always stink! Good
thing I got the Hill Haints sweaty show cologne to cover up the
smell! I smoke only the finest Northern Lights, and I get it
straight from Scott. Shit, I wouldn’t write shit if it weren’t for
the free weed.”

720x405-jim-ward“Jorge Ninos here. What, why are you looking at me? Just because
I’m the latino guy I smoke lots of weed? That’s so racist (water
bubble from bong sound… more water bubbles… more… let’s move
on)…”

IanMacKaye

“xxSteve does not do drugs! I am straight edge and that’s why all
my stories suck! Can you even remember a story I wrote?”

(water bubble sounds and smoke fills the air)

“Point is, I’m Scott Koenig. And.. uh, what were we doing?”

(laughter from all correspondents)

“… oh yeah, we’re doing a commershal for Times Boredom and we, yeah. We don’t need shdrugs to enhance our perfocschance, we just like um cause we… aw shit turn off the
camera…”

(further laughter at a joke no one but Times Boredoms’ correspondents get)


Now for an actual treat, here’s a link to the new Candy Ambulance Video! These grunge kids are serious rock stars and they do it up super professionally!  This is like one of five or six actual professional music videos they’ve made, and you can find em all on youtube!  Click on the links on the side after you watch this one!

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Since this may be the last time you hear from us, drop us a line if
you want a t-shirt or an article about your funny band. No
seriously, we really were gonna make t-shirts! And if there’s
enough demand I’ll click buy. I’ll do it.

Here’s a preview, designed by our media mogul Jilly Bear;

4de1d14547d581011c35822024817bc2.0

But on a more serious note, we’re totally bummed about what’s about
to happen. But you can change it if you just believe; believe in
the local music scene; believe in Bernie Sanders; believe in a world
where writers don’t need to get high to believe what they’re writing
is funny; believe that good bands stay together forever; believe
that when really good bands get signed they don’t forget their
roots; believe that all the great music that’s made locally is
appreciated and doesn’t get ignored and that it makes enough money
for all its creators to stay in business and keep on making that
super noise noise noise! Clap if you believe! I don’t hear
clapping!

Under their masks, Blood Blood Blood are actually the Olsen Twins!

That’s right, you heard it here first!  The reason Troy experimental electronic noise duo Blood Blood Blood wear masks is to hide their true identities.

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“We’d already conquered tv, movies, fashion design, and perfume lines, so we wanted to move into music.”  says Ashley Kate Olsen

“Right, but we wanted to prove we could make it without just using our celebrity this time.  So we chose a really underground genre in a really unheard of place in Upstate New York to kickstart our career!” pipes in Mary Kate.  Or Michelle.  Whatever I don’t know their names.

There’s further evidence that the twins, initially made famous by 4th wall breaking meta documentary television program Full House, have been thinking about this project for some time now.  We’ve uncovered alternate titles and covers for several of their films:

bbb1bbbinthesunbbbhowthewestbbbdoube

When asked if they would continue covering their true identities in their experimental noise duo, recently expanding from the Capital Region to New York City, they both emphatically stated:

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Superdark and Chateau Shows declare temporary ceasefire to work on three city solution

On Friday morning the Super Dark Collective and Chateau shows put aside their differences to put on a kickass show at the Savoy Taproom in Albany.

The temporary ceasefire was declared as rebel Chateauans regained territories in the Albany province of the Capital District.  Meanwhile, survivors of the super fudge massacre dug in and tried to reclaim their stranglehold on Saratoga.  Troy remains contested territory.

flyWhen asked for comment, Christopher Brown of the Super Dark Collective stated:

sd

“What?  What the fuck are you talking about?  We’re not fighting.  The Chateau show guys are really cool.  We were never fighting!  You’re nuts dude.”

Dan Paoletti of Chateau shows similarly remarked:

“Who the fuck are you?  Are you that asshole from that band Fucking Christ that goes around saying how great they are and messages me constantly on facebook asking for shows and money and drugs?  What’s wrong with you?  Why do you make up this weird shit?”

This reporter attempted to attend the peaceful ceasefire show but couldn’t find parking around Lark Street in Albany.  Instead he went home, and, upon finding there was absolutely nothing worth streaming on netflix, hulu, or amazon prime got drunk and wrote a dumb article.  He also very much enjoyed i feel ok’s latest album on bandcamp and is considering purchasing it.  If you want to give him a ride to the show there’s still time to email him at timesboredom@gmail.com.  Or message him on facebook and harass him like he does to everyone else.

Let me tell you about the Legend of the White Devil and the 666…

sko“Y’all don’t know shit about shit!”  screams cantankerous old local music cranky pants DJ Think Noise when asked about White Devil and the 666.  “So allow me to school your kindergarten asses.  Gather round children!”

“Legend has it that late one night, E.S. Cormac (of Hill Haints) and Black Jack Cassidy
(Sisterhood of Sleep, Moon Worship, Bone Parade) were barrelling down the Northway
blasting Jon Spencer Blues Explosion at full volume. Ed shouted to Jack; ‘we should do
something like this! You know, raw, bluesy, loose!’ and Jack shouts back ‘hell yeah.
But EVVVILLL!!!!’

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“…and smack! Some methed up driver in a Dragula’ (some say Satan hisself!  Others just say Rob Zombie) smashes into their car and A FIREBALL OF HELLFIRE AND SULFUR LIT UP THE NIIGGGHHYIII–YIIGHYT!

“Ah shit, where was I?  Got caught up in my own shtick…

“Oh yeah… the remains of E.S. and Black Jack weren’t found that night. Sometimes, when something so terrible, so evil, so rock and roll happens, dooders spirits can not cross over to hell where they belong, but they must live out eternity in hellfire inspired blues and rhythm!

“And so, E.S. and Black Jack were born again in blues and hellfire as WHITE DEVIL AND THE 666!

wd6662

“Ever since that night, they’ve been exacting their revenge on anyone that’ll listen to their musty brand of raw, loose blues and pounding noise all over the Capital Region.

“And the Facebook has it that on Thursday night, they begin the Saratoga to Albany gauntlet again! Thursday at Desperate Annie’s and Friday night at the Low Beat, which will force the Double Dealin’ Demon Duo to trod once more that Haunted Highway that gave birth to their FIRE AND FURY in the first place!

“What will happen in the meantime? Will they meet up with the mysterious methhead stranger that killed them and make a deal for their souls? Will they rock him back to HELL!!!!??? I, for one, cannot wait to find out.  So git yr asses out to these shows or goddammit, you won’t know nothin bout Legends of local BLUES AND ROCK and you still won’t know shit about shit!”

Today is Mr. Cancelled Day

mc

We hereby declare April 19th Mr. Cancelled day!  I don’t think it’s anything else, and we have an interview and a review of their new album!  Well yeah my boss is like ‘I am Dave!  Do vat I say!  You vill die here!’  He’s such an asshole.  Dammit Phil look what you made me write!  But seriously we’re gonna celebrate by playing their new ep ‘Every Town Has its Dolls’ all day long here on Times Boredom radio and, um, ahh read the fuckin articles if you wanna laugh.  We promise lead singer Gary’s way funnier than we are.

 

Interview with Gary Ziroli of Mr. Cancelled

Below is our interview with Gary Ziroli in which he proves he’s funnier than we are.  Which is not fair!  He knew the interview was happening.

mr-cancelled

Times Boredom (TB): There’s no lyrics on your bandcamp page.

Gary Ziroli (Z). No. Please feel free to add some!

TB: Your bandcamp page is confusing cause it’s through super dark records. How tall are you?

Z. Average.

TB: Do you always sing lead?

Z. Yes. Go figure!

TB: A lot of people have been saying that Bernie’s really got a chance this time around. Have you ever tried to make a scone?

Z. Tried a scone as president? At this point, SURE!

TB: I wanted to call you pop punk, lo-fi, or indie rock, but your facebook site says you’re ‘old guy post punk’. How old were you when you realized you could rock?

Z. I’m still waiting.

TB: People have said that your band is a gateway drug to the super dark collective and everything they do. Why are you trying to push their super dark fudgey recipe on America?

Z. Anything/anyone dark scares America.

TB: What do you have to gain? do you get free brownies?

Z. No. Free Cub Scouts! (It’s a fucking joke!)

TB: I really like the photos you post on facebook and I’m not afraid if everyone knows that. Do you know Che Guevara T-shirt? I don’t like them.

Z. Who does?

TB: keith’s a really bad frontperson. don’t you think kat celentano (bass player that’s also in hill haints) should be in the front?

Z. Absolutely! I’m serious!

TB: Who are some other local bands you hate?

Z. Kingsteen!

TB: Kurt Vile sucks.

Z. Yes!

TB: Courtney Barnett also sucks.

Z. Yes! (Who?)

TB: I used to make red pepper and gouda cheese sandwiches for lunch. It’s vegetarian and sorta healthy and quick, but it got really old really fast and I’m sick of it. Now I need something else that’s cheap and i don’t have to heat up. Suggestions?

Z. I got sick and really old!

TB: I heard that you live in a super dark collective house with like Chris and Jon from your band and also Shane and John and Sarah and a whole bunch of local punks. Who’s your favorite bass player of all times?

Z. The Bass is the four string one, right?

TB: Why isn’t it Geddy Lee?

Z. He isn’t?

TB: So you hate Canadians.

Z. Eh?

TB: Are you gonna buy a Times Boredom t-shirt when we finally make them?

Z. Yes, but I’ll make sure I get the wrong size so I never wear it.

TB: What’s taking us so long?

Z.

TB: Serious questions: how long does it take you to write a song? Do you write all or most of the melodies? Are you gonna quit your band to form a supergroup with me? Why won’t you join Fucking Christ, my witchdoom band?

Z. I will eventually quit everything!

TB: Your drummer Jon is sexy.

Z. So he continues to say.

TB: Chris has a big moustache.

Z. Well, you know what they say…!

TB: You wanna get high?

Z. I’m high on life and positive vibes! Just kidding! Life is pointless.

TB: Ok but do you wanna get high with me?

Z. I don’t even get high with ME!

TB: What do you think of our review of your new album before you read it?

Z. It was the Citizen Kane of reviews. That’s stupid. Citizen Kane was not a review!

TB: How about after you read it?

Z. My life is a joke…and not a good one.

TB: What’s in the future? Not for you or your band, but like, in general… when are we gonna get jetpacks and flying cars?

Z. Most likely there will be a lot of soup and bread lines. Gluten free, of course!

TB: It’s been a delight to write these questions. I’m really good and professional guy at interviewing. What’s your favorite Sebadoh record?

Z. Destroyer

TB: I met Jason Lowenstein and he said I was cool.

Z. I just Googled him. He said I was cooler!